Co-Dependency Disguised as Christianity: When 'Submit' Becomes 'Enable'

The most dangerous lies are often wrapped in biblical language.

For years, I believed I was being a good Christian wife by managing my husband's emotional triggers, walking on eggshells to prevent his outbursts, and accepting behavior that I would never tolerate from anyone else. I thought I was being submissive. I thought I was being faithful. I thought I was being like Jesus.

What I was actually doing was enabling dysfunction while calling it discipleship.

The Religious Language of Codependency

Codependency can hide behind spiritual-sounding phrases with devastating effectiveness:

• "I'm called to lay down my life" (while enabling someone's destructive choices)

• "Love covers a multitude of sins" (while covering up abuse)

• "I'm suffering for righteousness' sake" (while suffering for someone else's unrighteousness)

• "God hates divorce" (while ignoring that God also hates oppression)

• "I'm being the hands and feet of Jesus" (while preventing someone from experiencing consequences)

When church culture reinforces these patterns with teachings about wifely submission, sacrificial love, and enduring hardship, it becomes almost impossible to recognize what's really happening.

My Journey Into Enabling

In my first marriage, I became an expert at managing circumstances to avoid conflict. I was pretty good at manipulating our circumstances so that the triggers weren't hit that would cause outbursts or the threatening behavior.

My husband had a drinking problem—he was what we would call a binge drinker. He would drink himself to a stupor for days, then get so sick he would fall out and be dry for a while. In the first part of our marriage, when I saw this pattern during dating, I said it wouldn't work. He quit, and I thought that meant it was over. He stayed dry for seven years.

But here's what I learned: he was like a "dry drunk." You almost wished he would drink because all of the alcoholic behavior was there, but there was no alcohol involved. The behaviors don't change when the heart isn't transformed.

When somebody is walking in narcissistic patterns, it's easy to submit to narcissism when you're used to it. It becomes this codependency thing where if I meet your needs, if I give you everything you want, life is going to be more peaceful. If I stand up for myself or if I have a healthy boundary, things are not going to go well.

So you learn to create an environment that actually feeds a false spirit. And that false spirit will never be changed by law—only by love.

The Exhaustion of Hypervigilance

Living this way requires constant hypervigilance. You're always scanning for mood changes, potential triggers, signs that an outburst might be coming. You become an expert at reading emotional weather patterns and adjusting your behavior accordingly.

I remember there were occasions when guns came out during threatening episodes. I became skilled at de-escalating these situations, telling myself I was being peacemaking and wise. But what I was really doing was teaching someone that they could use intimidation to control me.

We kind of lived a life where you walked on eggshells all the time. You begin to question your own perceptions: Am I making this up? Should life be better than this? Do I have unrealistic expectations?

The answer is no—you're not making it up. Yes, life should be better than that. And no, expecting to be treated with basic dignity isn't unrealistic.

When Church Culture Reinforces Dysfunction

Perhaps the most heartbreaking aspect of my story is how church culture often reinforced these unhealthy patterns. I was taught very clearly that wives should submit to their husbands, but the reciprocal teaching about husbands submitting to wives was glossed over.

The teaching started with "submit one to another" (Ephesians 5:21, ESV), but quickly moved to wives submitting to husbands while the mutual submission part got lost. It really is meant to be mutual and reciprocal, but that crucial foundation was often overlooked.

Even when I was being honest with church leadership about our marriage being "a mess," we kept being promoted in ministry because we looked good on the outside and produced results. The focus was on appearance and performance rather than the health of our actual relationship.

This is how dysfunction can be baptized in religious language and continue unchallenged for years.

The Difference Between Biblical Submission and Codependent Enabling

True biblical submission is a mutual dance of honor between equals. It's rooted in strength, not weakness. It flows from love, not fear. It builds up both people, not just one.

Codependent enabling, by contrast:

• Is driven by fear of consequences

• Requires one person to shrink so another can feel big

• Prevents natural consequences from teaching lessons

• Creates dependency rather than growth

• Produces exhaustion in the giver and entitlement in the receiver

Real submission—the kind modeled by Jesus—can say "no" when necessary. It can establish boundaries. It can walk away from situations that demand compromise of core values or basic dignity.

Jesus submitted to the Father's will, but He also overturned tables when righteous anger was appropriate. He served others, but He didn't enable their dysfunction. He loved people enough to tell them hard truths and let them experience the consequences of their choices.

Learning to Recognize the Patterns

If you're wondering whether you might be caught in codependent patterns disguised as Christianity, here are some questions to consider:

• Do you constantly adjust your behavior to manage someone else's emotions?

• Do you feel responsible for another adult's choices and their consequences?

• Do you justify accepting treatment you wouldn't want your daughter to accept?

• Do you find yourself making excuses for someone else's behavior to others?

• Do you feel guilty when you consider setting boundaries?

• Do you believe that leaving would mean you're giving up or failing God?

If you answered yes to several of these, you may be in a codependent dynamic that's been disguised as Christian virtue.

What Healthy Relationships Actually Look Like

When I married Gregory, I experienced a completely different dynamic. Gregory has never once used intimidation to get his way—not physically, not financially, not emotionally. Not once. Ever.

Gregory is a man's man—six feet tall with shoulders that seem nearly as wide. He was raised in a rough area and wouldn't be afraid to fight to defend those weaker than him, which includes me. But that power has never been used to control or manipulate me.

This creates in me a desire to honor him in return. His love helps me to love better. I am a better person and better wife for having Gregory love me like he does. His affection fills my love tank physically and emotionally.

This is what mutual submission looks like—not one person shrinking while the other dominates, but both people growing stronger because of how they're loved.

The Freedom to Say No

One of the most liberating discoveries in my healing journey was learning that love sometimes says no. Healthy boundaries aren't selfish—they're essential for sustainable relationships.

In God's Kingdom, where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). If you're in a relationship where there's no freedom—only obligation, fear, and the need to constantly manage someone else's emotions—you may not be experiencing God's design for relationships.

Love must be freely given to be genuine. Just as God put two trees in the garden, giving humanity the freedom to choose, real love requires the freedom to say yes or no. If marriage becomes a legalistic prison where you can never leave, you suck out the ability for love to grow.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, please know that recognizing them is the first step toward freedom. You're not responsible for fixing someone else through your perfect performance. You're not called to enable someone's dysfunction in the name of love.

Start by:

• Reconnecting with your own voice and perceptions

• Setting small boundaries and observing the response

• Seeking support from healthy friends or counselors

• Asking Holy Spirit to show you the difference between His voice and the voice of obligation

• Remembering that you have value independent of your ability to keep someone else happy

A Word of Hope

If you're currently caught in codependent patterns disguised as Christianity, I want you to know that freedom is possible. The same God who sees you in your current situation is the one who can guide you into relationships built on mutual honor rather than one-sided sacrifice.

This doesn't necessarily mean ending your relationship, but it does mean learning to love from strength rather than weakness, from choice rather than obligation.

The Paradox of Healthy Love

Here's what I've discovered: when you stop enabling someone's dysfunction, you actually create the best possible environment for their healing. When you refuse to be controlled by someone's emotions, you give them the opportunity to learn self-regulation. When you stop rescuing someone from the consequences of their choices, you allow life to become their teacher.

This feels counterintuitive when you've been taught that love means absorbing someone else's pain. But enabling isn't loving—it's preventing the very experiences that could lead to growth and transformation.

In my first marriage, my constant accommodation actually robbed my husband of opportunities to change. Every time I prevented a consequence, managed his emotions, or adjusted my behavior to avoid his reactions, I was sending the message that his behavior was acceptable.

Real love sometimes has to risk conflict in order to create the possibility for authentic relationship.

When Walking Away Becomes an Act of Love

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is refuse to participate in dysfunction anymore. This doesn't mean you stop caring or hoping for someone's healing—it means you stop enabling patterns that prevent healing.

In my case, it took my willingness to end the marriage to create space for truth to emerge. When I finally stopped managing, accommodating, and enabling, the real state of our relationship became visible to everyone, including church leadership.

The young woman who came forward about my husband's inappropriate behavior might never have found her voice if I had continued to maintain the facade that everything was fine. My willingness to stop covering up dysfunction created safety for truth to be spoken.

This is how love sometimes works—by refusing to protect people from the consequences of their choices, we create space for repentance and transformation to become possible.

Practical Steps Toward Freedom

If you're ready to break free from codependent patterns disguised as Christianity, here are some practical steps:

1. Reconnect with Your Own Voice

• Spend time alone with God, asking Him to show you His heart for your situation

• Journal about your experiences without editing or justifying

• Pay attention to your emotions instead of suppressing them

2. Learn the Difference Between Love and Enabling

• Love allows consequences; enabling prevents them

• Love speaks truth; enabling covers up problems

• Love maintains boundaries; enabling has no limits

• Love builds up both people; enabling depletes one for the other's benefit

3. Start Small with Boundaries

• Begin with minor situations where you would normally accommodate

• Practice saying "no" without extensive explanations or apologies

• Notice how you feel when you honor your own needs and limits

4. Build a Support Network

• Connect with friends or counselors who understand healthy relationships

• Find people who will support your healing rather than pressure you to maintain dysfunction

• Consider joining support groups for people recovering from codependent patterns

5. Study Scripture with Fresh Eyes

• Look at how Jesus handled difficult people and situations

• Notice that He didn't enable dysfunction, even when confronting it caused conflict

• See how He maintained His own boundaries while loving others deeply

The Ministry of Healthy Relationships

One of the beautiful outcomes of my healing journey is that I can now help others recognize these patterns in their own lives. My pain wasn't wasted—it became a source of wisdom and compassion for others walking similar paths.

Gregory and I now model a different way of doing relationship through our marriage and ministry. We show people what mutual submission looks like when it's built on strength rather than weakness, choice rather than obligation.

This isn't about perfection—we're still growing and learning. But it is about freedom. We're free to love each other authentically because neither of us is trying to control or fix the other through our performance.

An Invitation to True Submission

Real submission—the kind the Bible actually teaches—is mutual, voluntary, and empowering. It flows from strength, not weakness. It builds up both people, not just one. It creates space for love to flourish rather than demanding love through obligation.

If you've been caught in patterns of codependent enabling disguised as Christian submission, I want to invite you into something better. God's design for relationships is based on mutual honor, not one-sided sacrifice. His Kingdom operates through love, not control.

You don't have to keep living in exhaustion, walking on eggshells, or managing another adult's emotions. You don't have to accept treatment that damages your soul in the name of faithfulness.

There is another way. There is freedom. There is the possibility of relationships built on genuine love rather than fear, mutual respect rather than power dynamics, and authentic intimacy rather than performed roles.

Holy Spirit is ready to guide you into this freedom if you're willing to take the first step. The journey from codependency to healthy love isn't always easy, but it's always worth it.

You are loved. You are valued. And you deserve relationships that reflect God's heart for you—relationships built on honor, respect, and genuine care rather than control, manipulation, and fear.

The counterfeit has done enough damage. It's time to experience the real thing.

Blessings,
Susan 😊