From Eggshells to Empowerment: My Journey Out of Hierarchical Marriage

They say experience is the best teacher, and when it comes to understanding the difference between hierarchical marriage and mutual submission, I've lived both sides of that story. Today, I want to share some deeply personal glimpses into my journey—not because my story is perfect (far from it!), but because sometimes real-life examples speak louder than theological arguments.

If you've ever lived in a hierarchical marriage, you'll recognize the eggshells. If you've wondered what mutual submission actually looks like in daily life, I hope my story with Gregory offers you a picture of something beautiful and possible.

Walking on Eggshells

As I share in BLIND SPOT, my first marriage was rooted in complementarian theology—the belief that while men and women have equal value, they have different roles, with the husband as the authority and the wife as the helper and follower. What that looked like in practice was far from the "loving leadership" that was taught from the pulpit.

"I was often pressured through emotional or physical intimidation to do his will. As many of you know, when you live in a home like that, you don't want to upset the 'powerful one.' So, you and your children are constantly walking on eggshells, praying one of them doesn't crack and make him mad."

For twenty years, I poured myself into that marriage, believing that if I could just submit better, serve more faithfully, and support his leadership more completely, somehow our relationship would transform into the beautiful picture I'd been promised. I even served in a large marriage ministry, teaching other women about submission and headship, hoping that by giving to other marriages, I could fix my own.

But here's what I learned: you can't fix a broken system by working harder within it. When the foundation itself is flawed—when marriage is built on hierarchy rather than mutuality—no amount of effort can create the intimacy and partnership God designed.

That marriage ended after twenty years, and I found myself single, heartbroken, but finally free from the constant tension of trying to make an unbiblical system work.

Preparing for Something Different

After my first marriage ended, I remained single for several years, using that time to heal and grow in my understanding of God's true design for relationships. Meanwhile, Gregory had his own journey. After his first marriage ended, he remained single and celibate for 23 years. As he puts it, "God was at work transforming me during those years."

Those weren't wasted years for either of us. God was preparing us both—not just to find love again, but to love in a completely different way. Gregory was learning to love with the heart of Christ, while I was discovering my true worth and voice as a daughter of God.

When God brought us together, we both carried emotional baggage from our pasts. We were both determined to do things differently this time, but we had to learn what "different" actually looked like in practice.

What Mutual Submission Looks Like Daily

So what does mutual submission actually look like when you're making dinner, paying bills, and navigating the challenges of real life? Here are some glimpses into our marriage:

Decision-Making as Partnership

In our marriage, decisions aren't about who has the "final say." They're about seeking wisdom together through prayer, conversation, and paying attention to each other's gifts and insights.

When we were considering moving to a new home, we didn't approach it as "Gregory's decision" or "Susan's decision." We prayed together, discussed our priorities, and remained open to God's guidance through each other. Sometimes I had stronger insights; other times, Gregory saw things I missed.

We've learned that when we can't agree on big things, it probably means we're both missing something! We move forward only when both of us have peace. This approach doesn't always take longer—and it certainly produces better outcomes than the "I'm the head of this house, what I say goes!" approach, which often leads to costly mistakes and broken trust.

Flexible Roles Based on Gifts

We're from an older generation—Gregory is 68 and I'm 60—so many of our daily activities might look traditional. I do most of the cooking, and Gregory takes care of the vehicles and anything nasty (like yesterday's mouse in the garage!).

But here's the crucial difference: I don't feel like I have to cook. There are many days I don't if I'm busy at work or simply tired. Gregory is perfectly capable of fixing us food, and I would have taken care of that mouse if he wasn't going to be home soon.

It's a "get to," not a "have to."

We both always pitch in, and we're both all-in with doing life together. It's not "your job" versus "my job"—it's lending our strengths to our union, to our life.

Currently, we're raising our granddaughter again (we had her from age 1 to 8, and now again at 14). Gregory didn't just step up when raising a child got easier. He was just as involved in the bottle-feeding and diaper-changing phases as he is now with a teen. It's always partnership with him.

Supporting Each Other's Callings

Perhaps nothing reveals mutual submission more than how we approach each other's ministries and callings.

Gregory founded Harvesting-In-Mansfield (HIM) over twenty years ago, one of the largest private food banks and pantries in the Dallas Fort Worth area. He's poured his life into feeding those in need, starting by handing out bags of groceries from a church window and building it into a ministry that nourishes hundreds of families directly each month.

Meanwhile, I've built Dewbrew Realty, Inc., a successful Kingdom-centered real estate brokerage serving DFW, and I write books like BLIND SPOT that challenge traditional power structures in the Church.

In a hierarchical marriage, these dual callings might create tension or competition. But in our marriage, they create beautiful synergy. I support his ministry to the poor, knowing it reflects Christ's heart, even though it means he doesn't make much money. My financial success doesn't hurt his pride one bit because he's actually proud of me. We are one. His success is my success, and vice versa.

Amazingly, Gregory supports my writing that challenges male authority—even though as a male minister, he could easily feel threatened by it. As I note in my book: "Gregory is always lifting me up, encouraging me to be and do all that God has put in my heart. This even includes teaching the world that men don't have a God-given right to rule over women."

The Daily Rhythm of Serving

Perhaps what makes me most grateful is the complete absence of entitlement in Gregory. He doesn't expect to be served because he's the man. He approaches our relationship with the mindset of Jesus, who came "not to be served, but to serve" (Matthew 20:28).

Gregory begins every morning with quiet time with the Lord, crafting a short daily devotional. One of my favorite moments each day is when Gregory wraps his arms around me and reads what the Lord revealed during his morning quiet time. This simple practice reflects true spiritual leadership—not leadership of control, but loving initiative that draws others closer to Christ.

This is the heart of Christ made visible—power used not to control but to lift up the vulnerable.

The Freedom of Safety

This safety creates room for authentic vulnerability and intimacy. When I know Gregory will never use his greater physical strength or societal privilege against me, I can open my heart fully to him without fear. And when Gregory knows I respect and honor him not out of obligation but out of genuine appreciation for his character, he can be authentic rather than maintaining a facade of "male leadership."

The beautiful irony of mutual submission is that it creates more freedom, not less. When both partners are committed to lifting each other up rather than seeking their own way, the relationship becomes spacious rather than confining.

This creates a virtuous cycle: "That creates in me a desire to do the same in return. His love helps me to love better. I am a better person and better wife for having Gregory love me like he does. His affection fills my love tank physically and emotionally."

An Invitation to Something Better

I share these glimpses into our marriage not to suggest we've figured it all out—we haven't. But I hope our journey offers evidence that mutual submission isn't just a nice theological idea; it's a practical, livable reality that creates flourishing relationships.

If you're in a traditional marriage and feeling the limitations of hierarchical patterns, know that another way is possible. If you're single and wondering what a Kingdom-centered relationship might look like, know that God's design is more beautiful and liberating than many have been taught.

The journey toward mutual submission may not be easy if you've been steeped in hierarchical thinking. It requires both partners to lay down the desire to control and pick up the call to serve. But it's worth every step.

As Gregory and I have discovered, relationships built on mutual honor and service don't just reflect a better marriage model—they reflect the very heart of God expressed through Christ.

This is the truth that has been hiding in plain sight all along: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21) isn't just the introduction to Paul's marriage teaching—it's the foundation of everything that follows.

The eggshells are gone. In their place is solid ground where both partners can stand tall, serve deeply, and love without fear. It is possible. It's the heart of the Gospel of the Kingdom that Jesus taught and lived.

It is the way.

Blessings,
Susan 😊