The "Get To" vs. "Have To" Marriage

My husband Gregory has this way of distilling profound truths into simple statements that initially sound almost too obvious to matter. When I first met him, he kept talking about how everything should be "a get to, not a have to."

At first, I thought, "Well, yeah, that's true. We'd all prefer things to be voluntary rather than forced." But the more I lived with this principle, the more I realized Gregory had given me a key that unlocks so much of God's Kingdom—including what makes marriages truly work.

You see, when you're doing something out of duty rather than love, you're going through motions that don't actually release the Kingdom. For the Kingdom to flow, it has to come from your heart. It has to be voluntary. It has to be a "get to," not a "have to."

The Roman Mile Example

Jesus illustrated this perfectly when He said, "And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two" (Matthew 5:41, NKJV).

Under Roman law, a soldier could force any Jewish person to carry his pack for one mile. It was heavy, humiliating, and completely involuntary. The Jews had no choice—they were legally required to comply.

But Jesus said something revolutionary: "If they make you carry their pack for a mile, offer to go two."

Think about what happens in that moment. You transform the entire dynamic. Instead of the soldier controlling you, you're now making a choice. You've taken what was forced and made it voluntary. You've turned a "have to" into a "get to."

You're still carrying the pack, but now you're doing it from a place of power rather than powerlessness. You're giving rather than being robbed. You're choosing love rather than submitting to force.

And in that choice, you create space for something beautiful to happen. The soldier might begin to see you as a person rather than just a subject. Your voluntary service might touch his heart in a way that forced compliance never could.

How This Changes Everything

This principle transforms every area of life, but nowhere is it more important than in marriage.

When I do things for Gregory because I "have to"—because it's my duty as a wife, because that's what the rules say I should do, because I'll get in trouble if I don't—those actions might look right on the outside, but they don't carry the power of love.

But when I do things for Gregory because I "get to"—because I choose to honor him, because I see Christ in him, because his love makes me want to love him in return—everything changes. The same actions become expressions of love rather than performances of duty.

Take something as simple as cooking dinner. I could cook because "wives are supposed to cook" or "that's my role" or "he expects it." Or I could cook because I enjoy nourishing my family, because I want to bless Gregory after his hard day, because it's one way I express love.

Same action. Completely different heart. Completely different power.

The Problem with Duty-Based Marriage

So much of traditional marriage teaching focuses on duty: wives should submit, husbands should lead, everyone should fulfill their roles whether they feel like it or not. The emphasis is on obedience to the structure rather than love for the person.

But duty without love kills the very thing it's trying to protect.

When submission becomes something a wife "has to" do rather than something she "gets to" do, it stops being submission and becomes mere compliance. There's no honor in it, no love in it, no transformative power in it.

When leadership becomes something a husband "has to" do rather than something he "gets to" do, it becomes dominance rather than service. It's about his authority rather than his family's wellbeing.

This is why so many marriages that look "biblical" on the outside feel dead on the inside. They're filled with performance and duty, but empty of the love that makes marriage beautiful.

The Heart Behind the Action

What Gregory taught me was that God isn't primarily interested in our actions—He's interested in our hearts. Two people can do exactly the same thing with completely different hearts, and the Kingdom impact will be entirely different.

I might pay my taxes because I "have to"—because I'll go to jail if I don't. That gets the job done, but it doesn't release anything beautiful into the world.

Or I might pay my taxes because I "get to"—because I'm grateful for roads and schools and police and fire departments, because I want to contribute to my community's wellbeing, because I see it as participating in the common good.

Same check written to the same government agency. But one action comes from resentment and fear, while the other comes from gratitude and love.

Transforming Have-To's into Get-To's

The beautiful thing about this principle is that you have the power to transform almost any "have to" into a "get to" simply by changing your perspective.

Maybe you "have to" work to pay the bills. Or maybe you "get to" work to provide for your family, to use your gifts, to contribute something meaningful to the world.

Maybe you "have to" change diapers because you're the parent. Or maybe you "get to" care for this precious little person who depends on you, to participate in raising the next generation.

Maybe you "have to" forgive because that's what Christians do. Or maybe you "get to" forgive because forgiveness sets you free, because it reflects God's heart, because it creates space for relationship to be restored.

The external circumstances might be exactly the same, but when you shift from "have to" to "get to," you're operating from a completely different kingdom.

What This Looks Like in Daily Life

In our marriage, this principle plays out in countless small ways every day.

I don't cook because I "have to" as the wife. There are many days I don't cook at all—when I'm busy with work or simply tired. Gregory is perfectly capable of fixing our meals, and he often does.

But when I do cook, it's because I "get to" nourish my family, because I enjoy it, because it's one way I express love. It's voluntary, not obligatory.

Gregory doesn't take care of car maintenance because he "has to" as the man. He does it because he's gifted in that area, because he wants to serve our family, because he "gets to" use his abilities to make our lives easier.

We're currently raising our teenage granddaughter. Gregory doesn't help with parenting because he "has to" or because I make him. He's all-in because he "gets to" participate in shaping this young woman's life, because he loves her, because he chooses to be fully present.

It's always partnership with him. It's always voluntary. It's always a "get to."

The Freedom This Creates

When both people in a marriage are operating from "get to" rather than "have to," something beautiful happens: both people become free.

I'm free because I'm not trapped in a role I "have to" fulfill whether I want to or not. I can serve Gregory from love rather than obligation, which means my service carries real power and meaning.

Gregory is free because he's not burdened with expectations that he "has to" meet regardless of his heart. He can love me genuinely rather than dutifully, which makes his love feel real rather than performed.

We're both free to be authentic, to serve from overflow rather than depletion, to love because we choose to rather than because we have to.

When Have-To Becomes Abusive

This principle also helps us recognize when relationships have become unhealthy or abusive.

When someone demands that you serve them, submit to them, or comply with their wishes regardless of your heart—when they turn everything into a "have to" backed by threats, manipulation, or force—they're not creating biblical relationship. They're creating bondage.

God never forces His love on us. Even in our relationship with Him, He invites, He woos, He draws—but He never coerces. How much more should our human relationships reflect this same respect for choice and dignity?

If someone can only get what they want from you through force, manipulation, or threat, what they're getting isn't really love. It's compliance masquerading as love, duty pretending to be devotion.

Real love can only flow from freedom. Real submission can only happen when someone chooses it. Real service can only carry transformative power when it comes from the heart.

The Ultimate Get-To

The most beautiful thing about "get to" vs. "have to" is that it reflects God's heart toward us.

He doesn't love us because He "has to"—as if He's obligated by some cosmic rule to care for His creatures. He loves us because He "gets to," because He chooses to, because we bring Him joy.

He doesn't save us because He "has to" fulfill some legal requirement. He saves us because He "gets to" demonstrate His mercy, because He delights in rescuing His children, because our freedom brings Him pleasure.

And He invites us to love Him the same way. Not out of duty or fear or obligation, but because we "get to" know the Creator of the universe, because we "get to" participate in His Kingdom, because we "get to" experience His love firsthand.

Creating a Get-To Marriage

If you want to transform your marriage from duty-based to love-based, start by examining your own heart.

What are you doing because you "have to"? What would change if you shifted those things to "get to"? Can you find reasons to be grateful for the opportunity to serve, to give, to participate in this person's life?

And equally important: what are you demanding from your spouse that comes from a "have to" place? How might you create space for them to serve you voluntarily rather than demanding compliance?

Remember, you can't force someone else to operate from "get to"—that would defeat the whole purpose. But you can model it. You can create an environment where voluntary love flourishes. You can stop demanding and start inviting.

The Kingdom Impact

When marriages operate from "get to" rather than "have to," they become something powerful: a demonstration of God's Kingdom on earth.

People see two individuals who choose to love each other daily, who serve each other voluntarily, who create space for each other to flourish. They see partnership rather than dominance, freedom rather than bondage, love rather than duty.

That kind of marriage doesn't just bless the couple—it transforms everyone who witnesses it. It shows the watching world what God's love actually looks like when it's lived out in human relationships.

And that, ultimately, is how God's Kingdom comes into the world: through people who have learned to love the way He loves, to serve the way He serves, to choose relationship over duty, freedom over force, "get to" over "have to."

It really is that simple. And that revolutionary.

Blessings,
Susan 😊