The Narcissist in the Pew: Why Churches Attract Broken Leaders
I'll never forget the moment I realized we were dealing with something far more dangerous than simple immaturity. After years of trying to help a leader in our ministry who seemed unable to take responsibility for the trail of hurt he left behind, I found myself sitting across from a couple he had deeply wounded. They had just finished laying out the specific ways this man had harmed them—lies told, trust broken, people manipulated.
His response? "Well, I am sorry that you feel that these are the things that I've done."
In that moment, I understood we weren't dealing with someone who needed more teaching or patience. We were dealing with someone who literally could not accept responsibility for his actions. The wiring wasn't there.
The Perfect Hunting Ground
Churches have become prime real estate for narcissistic predators, and we need to understand why. It's not that churches are inherently broken—it's that we've created environments that can inadvertently shelter and empower the very people who do the most damage.
Think about it: Where else can someone find a ready supply of kind-hearted, forgiving people who are literally taught to turn the other cheek? Where else do we have authority structures that can be manipulated by those seeking power? Where else do we have a culture that often equates questioning leadership with "dishonoring" God?
Narcissists are drawn to church environments for several reasons:
They're seeking supply. Narcissists are parasitic by nature—they need to feed off the energy, admiration, and life force of others. Churches are full of people with genuine light, real gifts, and authentic spiritual energy. It's like a buffet for someone who has no internal source of life.
They want proximity to power. The narcissist's goal isn't necessarily to be the pastor—it's to get close enough to the pastor to manipulate and control from the shadows. They want to be the "right-hand person," the "inner circle," the one who has the pastor's ear.
They need the cover of spirituality. Many narcissists struggle with profound shame after their abusive episodes. Religion offers them a way to manage that shame without actually changing. They can confess, receive forgiveness, and continue the same patterns while feeling spiritually superior.
The Difference Between Healing and Hiding
Here's what we need to understand: Some people come to church genuinely seeking healing from their brokenness. Others come seeking a place to hide their brokenness while appearing spiritual.
The person seeking genuine healing will:
Accept responsibility for their actions
Show real remorse that leads to changed behavior
Submit to accountability and boundaries
Be willing to make restitution to those they've hurt
Demonstrate consistent growth over time
The person using church as a hiding place will:
Always have excuses for their behavior
Show remorse only when caught or confronted
Resist accountability and push against boundaries
Expect forgiveness without making things right
Return to the same patterns repeatedly
The image of God in every person means there's always hope for transformation. But we must be wise about the difference between someone who's genuinely broken about their sin and someone who's just sorry they got caught.
When "Honor" Becomes a Cover for Control
One of the most dangerous dynamics I've witnessed is how narcissistic leaders twist the biblical concept of honor into a system of control. They teach that questioning their decisions is "dishonoring" to God. They create cultures where loyalty to them becomes synonymous with faithfulness to Christ.
This isn't biblical honor—it's manipulation using spiritual language.
True biblical honor flows both ways. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV). When leaders demand honor but refuse to give it, when they expect submission but won't practice it themselves, we're no longer dealing with God's Kingdom principles.
I've learned to watch carefully how potential leaders respond when they don't get their way. Do they respect the process and trust God's timing? Or do they become critical, divisive, and manipulative? The response to not being chosen often reveals more about someone's character than their résumé does.
The Team Test: A Simple Diagnostic
Over the years, I've developed what I call "the team test" for identifying potentially narcissistic leaders. When someone approaches wanting to serve, especially if they're using language about being close to leadership or having special access, I respond with: "That's wonderful! We have a team you can serve on."
If they're willing to serve on that team, to work alongside others without needing to be in charge, they likely have a sincere heart to serve. They may just be responding out of how they've been conditioned in previous church experiences.
But if they respond with, "I don't want to serve on a team," or "I only want to work directly with you," or "I'm called to be your protector/right-hand/bodyguard," then you know you're dealing with a Jezebel spirit trying to get close to power.
The narcissist can't last on a team. They have to be in control. They end up disrupting the team with their critical spirit and their need to manipulate every situation to their advantage.
Watch what happens to teams around certain people. Do teams grow and thrive, or do they shrink and become dysfunctional? People with great capacity will eventually leave rather than serve the selfish interests of one dominant person.
Creating Structures That Expose Rather Than Enable
The solution isn't to become suspicious of everyone or to create fortress-like leadership structures. The solution is to create healthy systems that naturally expose narcissistic behavior while empowering genuine servants.
Emphasize team leadership over individual authority. When decisions are made collaboratively and power is shared, it's much harder for one person to manipulate the system.
Create clear accountability structures. Everyone, especially leaders, should have people in their lives who can speak truth to them without fear of retaliation.
Look for the fruit, not just the gifts. Someone might be charismatic, talented, or gifted, but what does their personal life look like? How do they treat people who can't benefit them? What do their former relationships reveal?
Pay attention to how they handle criticism. A mature leader can receive feedback, even when it's not delivered perfectly. A narcissistic leader will deflect, blame-shift, or become vengeful when confronted.
Rotate leadership responsibilities. Don't allow anyone, no matter how gifted, to become indispensable or to accumulate too much unchecked power.
The Grace to Walk Away
Perhaps the hardest lesson I've learned is that sometimes love means creating distance. Not everyone who claims to want healing actually wants to change. Some people want the benefits of appearing spiritual without the cost of genuine transformation.
This doesn't mean we give up hope for anyone's redemption. God can transform the hardest heart, heal the most damaged soul, and restore what seems irreparably broken. But it does mean we recognize that the victims of narcissistic abuse cannot and should not be responsible for their abuser's healing.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to remove someone from positions where they can continue to harm others while refusing to change. Sometimes boundaries aren't walls designed to keep people out—they're fences designed to keep everyone safe while healing happens.
As Paul wrote, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18, NIV). But notice the qualifier: "as far as it depends on you." When someone is committed to chaos, manipulation, and control, peace may not be possible until they choose a different path.
Hope for the Church
The Church was never meant to be a sanctuary for abuse or a playground for power-hungry leaders. It was designed to be a community where the love of Christ transforms broken people into whole ones, where power flows through service rather than dominance, where every member can flourish in their God-given gifts.
We can create these kinds of communities, but only if we're willing to be both wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Only if we're willing to love people enough to tell them the truth, even when it's difficult. Only if we're committed to God's Kingdom principles rather than the world's power structures.
The narcissist in the pew doesn't have to stay narcissistic. But they do have to want to change. And until they do, our job is to protect the sheep, not feed the wolves.
The Church that emerges from learning these lessons won't be weakened—it will be purified. It will become what it was always meant to be: a place where broken people find healing, where power serves love, and where God's Kingdom comes on earth as it is in heaven.
Blessings,
Susan 😊