The Parasite Dynamic: How Narcissists Feed on Your Light
She had the most beautiful voice I'd ever heard. When she sang, it was like heaven opened up and angels joined the chorus. People would drive from other cities just to hear her lead worship. Her gift was undeniable, powerful, and deeply anointed.
So why was she constantly apologizing for it?
The answer revealed one of the most insidious dynamics I've witnessed in narcissistic relationships: the parasite dynamic. The narcissistic leader who recruited her had been drawn to her exceptional gift like a moth to flame. But once he had her in his orbit, he began systematically dismantling her confidence in the very gift that attracted him in the first place.
"You're going to wear that dress to sing?" "Your hair looks different—not in a good way." "Maybe you should consider taking some voice lessons." "I think you're trying too hard up there."
By the time I met her, this incredibly gifted woman was second-guessing every note, every outfit choice, every moment on stage. Her source of confidence had become whether or not he approved of her performance. And his approval was always just out of reach, just conditional enough to keep her hungry for it.
That's how the parasite dynamic works.
Understanding the Parasite Nature
Narcissists are emotional parasites. Unlike healthy people who have an internal source of life, energy, and self-worth, narcissists depend entirely on external sources to feel alive. They need what psychologists call "narcissistic supply"—constant admiration, attention, validation, and energy from others.
Think of a parasite in the natural world. It cannot survive on its own; it must attach itself to a host organism and drain its resources. The parasite doesn't care about the health of the host—in fact, a weakened host is often easier to control and less likely to escape.
This is exactly how narcissists operate in relationships. They seek out people who have what they lack:
Genuine spiritual gifts and energy
Natural charisma or attractiveness
Emotional warmth and empathy
Stability and success
Authentic joy and life
Strong relationships and influence
Financial resources or professional success
Once they've identified their target, they begin the process of attachment and extraction.
The Four Stages of Parasitic Attachment
The parasite dynamic follows a predictable pattern that often leaves victims wondering what happened to the relationship they thought they had.
Stage 1: The Attraction Phase (Love Bombing)
The narcissist identifies someone with the qualities they want to possess or control. They begin an intense campaign of attention, affection, and admiration. This isn't genuine appreciation—it's strategic positioning.
"You're the most talented person I've ever met." "I've never connected with anyone like this before." "God must have brought us together for something special." "You're exactly what this ministry/business/family needs."
They present themselves as your biggest fan, your most devoted supporter, your spiritual covering or professional advocate. They make you feel special, chosen, understood in ways you've never experienced before.
This phase can last weeks or months, depending on how quickly they can secure their position in your life. The goal is to become indispensable to you while making you feel dependent on their validation.
Stage 2: The Attachment Phase (Creating Dependency)
Once they've established themselves as essential to your well-being, they begin subtly shifting the dynamics. Your confidence, which they praised so enthusiastically, now becomes contingent on their approval.
They start offering "helpful" criticism: "You know, if you changed your hair, you'd be absolutely stunning." "Your presentation was good, but here's how you could make it even better." "I love your heart, but sometimes your delivery comes across wrong."
They position themselves as the expert on you—what you need, what's best for you, how you should improve. Gradually, you find yourself checking with them before making decisions, seeking their approval before taking action, questioning your own judgment about your gifts and abilities.
Stage 3: The Extraction Phase (Draining Your Resources)
Now that you're dependent on their validation, they begin the systematic extraction of whatever drew them to you in the first place. This might be:
Your energy and emotional resources: You find yourself constantly managing their emotions, walking on eggshells, giving pep talks, providing comfort for their endless dramas.
Your gifts and talents: They begin taking credit for your ideas, positioning themselves as the reason for your success, or creating situations where your gifts primarily serve their purposes.
Your relationships and influence: They want access to your network, your platform, your connections. They may isolate you from other relationships that don't serve their interests.
Your resources: This could be financial, but it might also be your time, your home, your professional opportunities, or anything else that benefits them.
The irony is devastating: the very qualities that attracted them to you are now being systematically undermined or redirected to serve their needs.
Stage 4: The Devaluation Phase (Maintaining Control)
Once they've established control and secured their supply, they no longer need to pretend to value you highly. In fact, keeping you slightly insecure serves their purposes better than building you up.
The same voice that once celebrated your gifts now constantly critiques them: "You're not as good as you used to be." "I'm not sure what's wrong with you lately." "Maybe you should step back and let someone else take the lead." "You're being too sensitive/emotional/dramatic."
They may triangulate you with others, comparing you unfavorably to previous sources of supply or potential new ones. The goal is to keep you hungry for the approval they once gave freely, working harder and harder to earn back their initial enthusiasm.
The Devastating Impact on Victims
The psychological damage of the parasite dynamic is profound and often long-lasting. Victims typically experience:
Loss of confidence in their own gifts: The constant criticism and conditional approval creates deep insecurity about abilities they once felt confident about.
Hypervigilance about performance: They become obsessed with perfection, constantly monitoring the narcissist's reactions, trying to anticipate what will please or displease them.
Emotional exhaustion: The constant energy drain of managing someone else's emotions while having their own dismissed or criticized is utterly depleting.
Isolation from other relationships: The narcissist often creates subtle or overt pressure to distance from other supportive relationships that might interfere with their control.
Identity confusion: After months or years of having their reality constantly questioned and redefined, victims often lose touch with who they really are apart from the narcissist's definition of them.
Trauma bonding: The intermittent reinforcement of praise followed by criticism creates a powerful psychological bond that's difficult to break, similar to Stockholm syndrome.
Why Talented People Are Particularly Vulnerable
You might think that people with exceptional gifts would be less susceptible to narcissistic manipulation, but the opposite is often true. Here's why:
High-impact people often have generous hearts. They're drawn to helping others and may interpret the narcissist's neediness as an opportunity to serve rather than recognizing it as manipulation.
Success can create isolation. Genuinely gifted people sometimes struggle to find peers who understand their experiences, making them vulnerable to someone who seems to "get" them.
Spiritual sensitivity can be exploited. People with prophetic gifts, empathetic hearts, or servant spirits may feel called to help heal the narcissist's brokenness, not realizing they're being used.
Creative people need audiences. Artists, musicians, speakers, and other creative types need platforms and audiences for their gifts. Narcissists often promise access to these platforms in exchange for loyalty.
Success breeds self-doubt. Counterintuitively, many highly successful people struggle with imposter syndrome, making them susceptible to someone who offers to be their "covering" or mentor.
The Jealousy Component
One of the most confusing aspects of the parasite dynamic is how the narcissist can simultaneously be attracted to and jealous of the same qualities in their victim.
They're drawn to your light, but they also resent that you have it naturally while they have to steal it from others. This creates a push-pull dynamic where they need you but also want to diminish you.
I've watched narcissists sabotage their victims' success even when that success also benefited them. The jealousy is so strong that they'd rather see their victim fail than succeed independently.
This is why many victims find that their greatest breakthroughs come after they've removed themselves from the narcissist's influence. Suddenly, without someone constantly undermining their confidence, their gifts flourish again.
Breaking Free from the Parasite
Recognizing the parasite dynamic is the first step toward freedom, but breaking free requires deliberate action:
Reconnect with your identity apart from their definition. Who were you before you met them? What did you love about yourself? What gifts did you operate in confidently?
Rebuild your support network. Narcissists isolate their victims from other sources of validation and perspective. Reconnecting with healthy relationships helps you regain clarity about your worth and abilities.
Stop seeking their approval. This is perhaps the hardest step because the trauma bonding makes their approval feel necessary for your well-being. But their approval was never real anyway—it was always manipulation.
Document the pattern. Keep a record of their behavior so you can see the cycle clearly. Narcissists are masters at making you question your own memory and perception.
Set firm boundaries. You may need to limit or eliminate contact entirely, depending on the relationship and your circumstances.
Get professional help. The psychological damage from the parasite dynamic often requires professional support to heal completely.
Protecting Your Gift
If you've been targeted by a narcissist because of your gifts, it's important to understand that this doesn't mean you should hide or minimize your talents. The solution isn't to dim your light—it's to learn to protect it.
Trust your gut. If someone's praise feels excessive or manipulative, pay attention to that feeling. Healthy people appreciate your gifts without needing to own or control them.
Maintain independence. Don't allow anyone to become your sole source of validation or opportunity, no matter how much they promise to help your career or ministry.
Surround yourself with secure people. Healthy, confident people celebrate your success without needing to take credit for it or compete with it.
Remember the source of your gifts. If your talents are truly God-given, then no human being has the authority to determine their worth or validity.
Use your gifts to serve, not to gain approval. When you operate from a place of love and service rather than seeking validation, you're less vulnerable to manipulation.
God's Heart for Your Flourishing
The tragedy of the parasite dynamic is how it distorts God's heart for human relationships. God doesn't want anyone to diminish your light—He wants to use your gifts to bless others and bring glory to His name.
"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10, NIV).
You weren't created to be someone else's energy source or validation dispenser. You were created to reflect God's glory through the unique gifts and calling He's placed on your life.
When someone tries to own, control, or diminish those gifts, they're not just hurting you—they're interfering with God's purposes. Your light isn't meant to be hidden under someone else's bushel basket.
A Word of Hope
If you recognize yourself as the victim in a parasite dynamic, please know that your gifts are still there. They haven't been permanently damaged, even if they feel dormant or confused right now.
Like a plant that's been kept in the dark, your talents may need time to adjust to the light again. But with the right environment—healthy relationships, proper boundaries, and God's healing touch—they will bloom again, often more beautifully than before.
The narcissist was drawn to your light because it was real, powerful, and valuable. Their ability to temporarily dim it doesn't change its essential nature. You are still who God created you to be, regardless of who tried to convince you otherwise.
Don't let someone else's emptiness convince you that you're empty too. Don't let their need to steal light convince you that your light isn't real.
You are not a resource to be drained. You are a beloved child of God with unique gifts meant to bless the world. And no parasite—no matter how skilled at manipulation—can change that truth.
The light they tried to steal was never theirs to take. It belongs to you, given by God, for His purposes. And when you step out of their shadow and back into His light, you'll remember just how brightly you were always meant to shine.
Blessings,
Susan 😊