When "All of Him, None of Me" Becomes Spiritual Abuse

"He must increase, I must decrease."

How many times have you heard this phrase quoted in Christian circles to justify self-deprecation, to encourage people to disappear, to suggest that somehow becoming less of yourself honors God more?

I used to believe this too. I thought holiness meant extinguishing myself so that only Jesus would be left. I believed that if anything in me was still visible—my personality, my gifts, my voice—then I hadn't died enough, hadn't prayed enough, hadn't surrendered enough.

This theology nearly destroyed me. And I've watched it destroy countless others, particularly women in difficult marriages who believe that becoming a doormat somehow glorifies God.

The Misunderstood Verse

Let's start with what John the Baptist actually said and why. In John 3:30, when John declares "He must increase, but I must decrease" (NKJV), he's speaking as a transitional figure—the last of the old covenant prophets introducing the first of the new covenant reality.

John was the bridge between the old and the new. His entire ministry was about pointing people away from himself toward Jesus. His decrease was necessary so that people would follow Christ instead of remaining stuck in the old system.

But here's what we've missed: Jesus said that "among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist; but he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he" (Matthew 11:11, NKJV).

Did you catch that? John was the greatest of the old prophets, but even the least person in God's Kingdom is greater than John. That includes you. That includes me.

If John needed to decrease so Jesus could increase, what does that say about those of us who are actually in God's Kingdom? We're not called to become less—we're called to become more fully who God created us to be so that His nature can be expressed through us.

The Incarnation Changes Everything

The incarnation—God becoming human—wasn't about God erasing humanity. It was about God joining with humanity to bring us into glory.

The goal isn't "all of Him, none of me." The goal is "all of Him, all of me"—fully God and fully human working together, just like Jesus demonstrated.

When we teach that holiness requires the elimination of self, we're actually working against everything the incarnation accomplished. God didn't become human to show us how to stop being human. He became human to show us how to be fully human while fully connected to Him.

As Bill Johnson says, God had none of you before He created you, and He created you because He wanted you. He wants you fully alive and fully present, not disappeared and diminished.

How This Enables Abuse

This "all of Him, none of me" theology becomes particularly dangerous in marriages, especially when combined with teachings about submission and male headship.

When a woman believes she's supposed to have no voice, no needs, no preferences—that somehow it's spiritual to let her husband make all decisions and control all outcomes—she's not practicing biblical submission. She's practicing self-erasure that enables abuse.

I've counseled countless women who stayed in destructive marriages because they believed that enduring harm somehow honored God. They thought that if they could just submit more, disappear more, need less, speak up less, their husband would become more loving.

But that's not how transformation works. You can't produce righteousness by submitting to evil. You can't create love by enabling selfishness. You can't bring out someone's Christ-like nature by allowing them to dominate and control.

The Slave Mentality vs. Sonship

When we operate from "all of Him, none of me," we're actually operating from a slave mentality rather than the sonship God intends.

A slave serves because they have to. They have no choice, no voice, no value beyond their usefulness. Their identity is found in perfect obedience to their master's will, regardless of how that master treats them.

But God didn't call us to be slaves. He called us to be sons and daughters, co-heirs with Christ, partners in His Kingdom work.

When Jesus washed the disciples' feet, He wasn't operating from a slave mentality. He knew who He was—"Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was going to God" (John 13:3, NKJV)—and it was from that place of security and power that He chose to serve.

The service didn't diminish Him because it came from strength, not weakness. It came from love, not obligation. It came from choice, not coercion.

What Healthy Submission Actually Looks Like

Real biblical submission doesn't mean becoming a doormat. It means choosing to use your power—yes, your power—in service of love rather than in service of self.

When I submit to my husband Gregory, I'm not doing it because I have no choice or because I'm inherently inferior. I'm doing it because I choose to honor him, because I see Christ in him, because mutual submission creates the kind of relationship that reflects God's heart.

But Gregory has never demanded my submission. He's never used his physical strength, his financial resources, or his voice to intimidate me into compliance. He loves me in a way that makes me want to honor him—not because I have to, but because I get to.

That's the difference between slave-based submission and Kingdom-based submission. One flows from fear and powerlessness; the other flows from love and choice.

The Narcissist's Dream Theology

"All of Him, none of me" theology is a narcissist's dream. It provides spiritual justification for one person to take up all the oxygen in the room while the other person disappears.

I've seen this dynamic over and over: a dominant personality who believes they speak for God, married to someone who believes they're supposed to have no opinions, no boundaries, no voice of their own.

The dominant person gets to make all the decisions, control all the resources, and determine all the outcomes—while the other person spiritualizes their powerlessness by calling it "submission" or "dying to self."

But this isn't God's design. This is a distortion that enables the very behaviors Christ came to transform.

God's Heart for Your Voice

Throughout Scripture, God consistently elevates those who have been marginalized and silenced. He uses women like Deborah to lead nations, like Huldah to speak prophetically to kings, like Priscilla to teach eloquent theologians.

Jesus elevated women in a culture that devalued them. He included them in His ministry, appeared first to them after His resurrection, and entrusted them with the message of His victory over death.

If God wanted women to be silent and invisible, would He have chosen a woman to bear His son? Would He have appeared first to women after the resurrection? Would He have used women throughout Scripture to accomplish His purposes?

The consistent message of Scripture is that God wants every voice heard, every gift expressed, every person fully alive and contributing to His Kingdom.

Breaking Free from Spiritual Abuse

If you've been living under "all of Him, none of me" theology, breaking free can feel terrifying. You may have been told that asserting yourself is rebellion, that having needs is selfish, that using your voice is prideful.

But let me tell you the truth: God gave you a voice because He wants to hear it. He gave you gifts because He wants you to use them. He gave you a mind because He wants you to think, and a heart because He wants you to feel.

You're not honoring God by disappearing. You're honoring God by becoming fully who He created you to be and using that fullness in service of His Kingdom.

Practical Steps Forward

So how do you move from "all of Him, none of me" to healthy partnership with God?

Start with your identity. You are a daughter of the King, co-heir with Christ, chosen and beloved. Your value doesn't come from how well you disappear or how perfectly you submit to others' demands.

Develop your voice. Practice expressing your thoughts, feelings, and preferences—first with God, then with safe people. Your perspective matters. Your insights are valuable.

Set healthy boundaries. You can love someone without enabling their destructive behavior. You can honor someone without accepting their abuse. You can submit to God while saying no to harmful demands from people.

Seek inner healing. Often our tendency to disappear comes from wounds and lies we've believed about ourselves. God wants to heal those places and show you the truth about who you really are.

Find your gifts. God has equipped you with unique abilities and insights that the world needs. When you bury those talents to avoid seeming prideful, you're actually robbing the Kingdom of what you were created to contribute.

The Beautiful Alternative

When two whole people come together in mutual submission—each fully alive, each contributing their gifts, each honoring the other without erasure—something beautiful happens. The relationship becomes greater than the sum of its parts.

This isn't about becoming selfish or demanding your own way. It's about bringing your full self to the relationship so that together, you can accomplish more than either could alone.

It's about reflecting the Trinity—where Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are distinct persons who submit to one another in love without hierarchy or dominance.

An Invitation to Wholeness

If you've been living as half a person, thinking that somehow honors God, I want to invite you into something better. God doesn't want you to be less so He can be more. He wants you to be fully yourself so that together, you can demonstrate His love to a world that desperately needs to see it.

You matter. Your voice matters. Your gifts matter. Your perspective matters.

The God who created you with such specificity and intentionality isn't asking you to disappear. He's asking you to shine—not for your own glory, but so that others might see His light reflected through the fullness of who you are.

That's not pride. That's purpose. That's exactly what He created you for.

Blessings,
Susan 😊