When Good Men Believe Bad Theology
One of the most heartbreaking realities I encounter in my ministry is meeting wonderful, godly men who genuinely love their wives and daughters but sincerely believe it's God's design for women to be secondary, somewhat silent, and submissive.
These are not monsters. They're not abusers. They're good men who adore their families, work hard to provide for them, and would fight to protect them. But they've been taught—often by well-meaning pastors and teachers—that God created women to be helpers, followers, and supporters rather than full partners in life and ministry.
The tragedy is that this theology, however well-intentioned, creates limitations that hurt both the women they love and the men themselves.
The Good Man's Dilemma
Let me paint a picture of what this looks like:
Meet David. He's a devoted husband who tells everyone how much he loves his wife, Sarah. He provides well for his family, helps with household tasks, and never raises his voice in anger. He prays with Sarah, takes the family to church, and genuinely seeks to honor God in his marriage.
But David also believes that as the "head of the home," he should make the final decisions. He believes Sarah's primary calling is to support his vision and submit to his leadership. He thinks it's his job to provide, protect, and lead while it's her job to follow, support, and nurture.
David doesn't see himself as dominating Sarah. In his mind, he's being a biblical husband by taking responsibility for their family's direction and spiritual well-being.
The problem? Sarah feels it, even if she can't articulate it. Despite David's kindness, she senses that her voice doesn't carry equal weight. Her dreams and callings are filtered through his approval. Her perspective is valued, but his perspective is decisive.
And here's what breaks my heart: David has no idea that his "biblical manhood" is actually limiting both Sarah's potential and their marriage's potential.
The Benevolent Cage
This is what I call the "benevolent cage"—a limitation system wrapped in love and good intentions.
It sounds like:
"I value your input, honey, but I need to make the final decision."
"Your ministry to women is so important, but I don't think God is calling you to teach men."
"I want to support your dreams, but our family needs to come first."
"You're so gifted, but God has given me the responsibility to lead our home."
It feels like:
Being cherished but not fully trusted
Being valued but not empowered
Being loved but not liberated
Being protected but not partnered
The men who create these cages genuinely believe they're following God's design. They're not trying to hurt anyone. But impact matters more than intent, and the impact is real limitation of the women they love.
The Theological Foundation Problem
Where does this theology come from? It's rooted in several misunderstandings:
1. Misreading Creation Order
The belief that because Adam was created first, men have inherent authority over women. But if creation order determined hierarchy, then animals would have authority over humans since they were created earlier. The progression actually moves from simple (like rocks and trees) to complex (fish, birds, animals) culminating in humanity as the crown of creation.
2. Misunderstanding "Helper"
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis, NASB)
The Hebrew word ezer (helper) has long been misinterpreted to describe woman as man's assistant or subordinate. However, a careful examination of Scripture reveals that this word carries profound theological significance. It is divine help, not human help.
Outside the Creation account, ezer appears 19 times in Scripture. Of these occurrences:
Sixteen times it clearly refers to the Lord as helper
Three times it demonstrates that only God can provide true ezer
These three exceptional cases prove instructive:
Ezer is withheld during a time of testing
Ezer is removed during a time of judgment
Powerful people attempt to bring ezer, but this results in shame and reproach for the people
The pattern is clear: no human being can provide genuine ezer. This is something only God supplies.
The Helper Solved the Problem in the Garden
The issue, the problem to be solved in Eden, was that the human, though made in the Trinity's image, was alone. The Hebrew word for "alone" here (levad) means "a part separated from its whole" - indicating fundamental incompleteness rather than mere solitude.
“He called their name Adam in the day He created them.” (Genesis 5:2, KJV) They were created together, but she was lost inside him. God's solution was to bring forth the woman so that they would have fellowship and unity, like the Trinity has. They were designed to be “one” -- but not with one hidden, unseen, and unheard.
Divine Solution, Not Human Fix
“I will make him a helper suitable for him” would be better translated, “I will make for help a mirror image of him (OR a counterpart in his likeness).” (NOTE: This is long but worthwhile study which we go into in great depths in other writings and teachings.)
God brought divine help by bringing forth the woman. She could NOT do that… she could not be the helper. And God did not start with a new batch of dirt or new breath of life. They were the same substance. They were one.
This elevates our understanding of woman from a “role of mere assistant” to an equal and essential part of humanity. She represents God's direct intervention to address an incompleteness that human effort alone could never achieve. The woman as ezer is therefore not subordinate help, but God ‘s original design from human wholeness and connection
3. Misapplying the Curse
The power struggle described in Genesis 3:16 ("her desire will be for him, but he will rule over her," NASB) is part of the curse, not God's original design. Christ came to redeem us from the curse, not to enforce it.
4. Missing the Context
Paul's instructions about women submitting to husbands must be read alongside his revolutionary command for mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21) and his recognition of women in leadership roles throughout his ministry. Paul, and Peter for that matter, were actually dismantling those dominance-based power pyramid-style hierarchies by transforming them from within.
Husbands laying down their lives for women who were viewed as no more than domestic slaves was revolutionary. Wives rising above the tyranny and submitting to him like he was Jesus was transformative – like going the extra mile with the Romans.
The truth is completely backwards from the way the traditional Church teaches submission and headship. Please see my book, BLIND SPOT: Breaking Free from Distorted views of Biblical Submission and Headship. (Available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle, as well as on Audible. Also available paperback in Spanish.)
The Hidden Costs
Even well-intentioned hierarchical marriage creates hidden costs:
For Women:
Stunted development: When your voice is secondary, you learn to silence parts of yourself
Unfulfilled calling: God-given gifts and passions get filtered through someone else's vision
Spiritual dependence: You rely on your husband's relationship with God rather than developing your own
Identity confusion: You become who you think he wants rather than who God created you to be
For Men:
Overwhelming pressure: Carrying sole responsibility for family decisions is crushing
Missing wisdom: You lose access to your wife's insights and perspectives
Incomplete growth: You don't develop collaborative and mutual submission skills
Reduced intimacy: True intimacy requires equality; hierarchy creates emotional distance
For the Relationship:
Limited problem-solving: One perspective handles complex situations requiring multiple viewpoints
Power dynamics: Even loving hierarchy creates subtle power imbalances that affect every interaction
Unfulfilled potential: The marriage never becomes what it could be with full partnership
True Unity is impossible: There is no godly union where one is subordinate to another. Only in equality can the become one, like the Trinity. Our early church fathers debated that question within the Godhead and clearly stated there can be no subordination within the Trinity. Jesus and Holy Spirit are equal with the Father.
For the Kingdom:
Wasted gifts: Half the church's potential remains underdeveloped
Poor witness: A watching world sees the church perpetuating the very power dynamics they're trying to escape
Stunted growth: The body of Christ can't function properly with half its parts restricted
The Better Way
Here's what I want these good men to understand: releasing your wife into full partnership doesn't diminish your masculinity—it fulfills it.
True leadership looks like:
The dancer lifting the ballerina—using your strength to help her soar, not controlling her movements
The foundation supporting the house—providing stability so the whole structure can flourish
The conductor bringing out the best in every musician—using your leadership to help everyone shine
Mutual submission means:
Both of you leading in areas of your gifts and expertise
Both of you following when the other has greater wisdom or insight
Both of you submitting to God's will through each other
Both of you taking responsibility for the relationship's health and direction
A Personal Example
Let me share how this plays out in my marriage with Gregory.
He's a man's man—six feet tall with broad shoulders, raised in a rough area, and wouldn't be afraid to fight to defend those weaker than him. But that strength has never once been used to intimidate me or force his will.
Instead, Gregory uses his strength to lift me up. He encourages my writing and teaching, even when it challenges traditional male authority. He supports my business leadership, even when it means I'm the primary breadwinner. He celebrates my gifts, even when they operate in traditionally "male" spheres.
The result? Our marriage is stronger, not weaker. Gregory isn't less of a man—he's more fully the man God created him to be. And I'm not less feminine—I'm more fully the woman God created me to be.
An Invitation to Freedom
If you're a good man who has sincerely believed that God designed women to be secondary, I want to extend an invitation: What if you've been given partial truth that needs completing?
What if God's design for your marriage is even more beautiful than what you've been taught? What if releasing your wife into full partnership would create the kind of relationship that makes both of you more than you could ever be individually?
Consider these questions:
Does your theology produce the fruit of the Spirit in your relationships?
Does your wife honestly feel fully valued and empowered in your marriage?
Are you accessing her full wisdom and gifts for your family's benefit?
Would your marriage be stronger if you functioned as true partners?
What dreams or callings might your wife have that she's never fully expressed?
The Journey Forward
Making this transition isn't always easy, especially if you've built your identity around being "the leader" or if your wife has adapted to a secondary role. Here are some practical steps:
1. Study Scripture with Fresh Eyes
Look at how Jesus treated women—elevating them, teaching them, commissioning them for ministry. Notice how Paul worked alongside women like Priscilla, Phoebe, and Junia. Ask yourself: does my interpretation align with Jesus' example?
2. Have Honest Conversations
Ask your wife how she feels about decision-making in your marriage. Does she feel heard? Valued? Empowered? Create safe space for her to share honestly without fear of disappointing you.
3. Examine Your Motivations
Be honest about whether your commitment to "biblical manhood" is actually about following Christ or about maintaining control and comfort. True biblical masculinity looks like Jesus—using power to serve, not to be served.
4. Start Small
Begin practicing mutual submission in small decisions. Ask for her input and truly consider it. Defer to her expertise in areas where she has greater knowledge or gifting.
5. Seek Counseling if Needed
If this transition feels threatening or impossible, consider working with a counselor or mentor who understands both biblical marriage and healthy relationship dynamics. Be careful though. Most Christian counselors were taught the traditional, religious model rather than the New Testament one.
A Word to Wives
If you're married to a good man who holds these beliefs, please be patient with his journey. Change is hard, especially when it involves deeply held theological convictions and identity issues.
Remember:
His commitment to "biblical manhood" often comes from a genuine desire to honor God
Attacking his theology will likely create defensiveness rather than openness
Modeling mutual submission yourself may be more persuasive than arguing for it
Praying for his heart to be opened is more powerful than trying to change his mind
Seeking God for wisdom on when to speak and when to trust His timing is crucial
Your liberation doesn't depend on winning theological debates—it depends on living out your true identity in Christ while lovingly inviting your husband into fuller partnership.
Regarding ABUSE
We are giving the above advice only those wives married to loving men who mean well. To the women who are in any kind of abusive marriage (which is control based), that is not the advice we offer.
Please see our other materials on understanding what abuse looks like and how to get free.
You do not need to submit to evil. Period.
The Promise of Partnership
Here's what I want every good man to know: God's design for marriage is even more beautiful than you've been taught.
When both husband and wife are fully empowered to contribute their gifts, when both lead and follow as appropriate, when both submit to each other out of reverence for Christ—that's when marriage becomes a living picture of the Trinity's perfect unity and love.
You don't lose anything by embracing mutual submission. You gain:
A true partner instead of a dependent follower
Access to feminine wisdom that complements your masculine perspective
Shared responsibility instead of crushing solo leadership pressure
Deeper intimacy that comes from equality and vulnerability
A stronger witness to a world hungry for authentic relationships
The full flowering of both your potential and hers
The Stakes Are Higher Than Marriage
This isn't just about having better marriages, though that would be wonderful. This is about the Church's witness to the world and our effectiveness in advancing God's Kingdom.
When the Church perpetuates hierarchical systems that limit people based on gender rather than gifting, we undermine our own mission. We tell the world that our God doesn't really believe in the equality and dignity He claims to offer.
But when Christian marriages demonstrate true partnership—when they show mutual honor, mutual submission, and mutual empowerment—they become powerful testimonies to the transforming power of the Gospel.
An Appeal to Church Leaders
If you're a pastor or teacher reading this, I want to make a special appeal: Please examine whether your teaching on marriage and gender reflects Christ's revolutionary example or merely baptizes cultural power structures.
Your people are watching. The women in your congregation are listening to see if they truly have equal value and opportunity in God's Kingdom. The men are learning what godly masculinity looks like from your example and teaching.
The stakes are too high for us to get this wrong. Too many marriages have been damaged by hierarchical theology. Too many women have been silenced when they should have been empowered. Too many men have been crushed under the weight of sole leadership responsibility.
A Vision of Hope
I close with hope because I've seen the transformation that's possible. I've watched good men become great partners when they understood God's true design. I've seen marriages flourish when mutual submission replaced benevolent hierarchy. I've dreamed of churches coming alive when they released all their members into full participation.
This transformation is happening all around us. People are no longer satisfied with church as we know it. God is awakening His people to these truths. The question is: will you be part of the awakening, or will you cling to traditions that limit the very people you love?
To the good men reading this: Your heart to honor God is beautiful. Your love for your family is evident. Now I invite you to discover that God's design for relationships is even more wonderful than you've been taught.
To the women married to these men: Your patience matters. Your prayers are powerful. Your example of Christ-like love can soften hearts that arguments cannot reach.
To the Church: The world is watching. They want to see if our faith produces the freedom, equality, and love we claim it does. Let's give them something beautiful to see.
The Kingdom is advancing. Love is winning. And the truth really does set us free—all of us, men and women together, into the fullness of what God always intended.
If you're a man wrestling with these concepts, what fears or concerns do you have about embracing mutual submission? If you're a woman married to a good man with hierarchical beliefs, how are you navigating this journey with grace and wisdom?
Blessings,
Susan 😊
For more insights on living out Kingdom principles in everyday life, check out our resources at KingdomBrewing.com.