Why Paul Never Told Husbands They Were the Boss

Let me address the elephant in the room. The pushback I get most often sounds something like this: “But Susan, doesn’t Ephesians 5 clearly say wives submit to husbands as the church submits to Christ? How can you say Paul wasn’t establishing male authority in marriage?”

It’s a fair question. And it deserves a careful answer.

So let’s look at what Paul actually said—and just as importantly, what he conspicuously didn’t say.

What Paul Never Said

Here’s what strikes me every time I read Paul’s instructions about marriage: the things he doesn’t say.

Paul never tells wives to obey their husbands.

Think about that. In the same passage where he tells children to obey their parents (Ephesians 6:1, NRSV), he uses a completely different word for wives. Children obey (hypakouō). Wives submit (hypotassō). These aren’t interchangeable terms. Paul chose them deliberately.

Paul never tells husbands they have authority over their wives.

Not once. In fact, the only time Paul uses the word “authority” (exousia) in relation to marriage, it’s mutual: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:4, NRSV).

Equal authority. Mutual authority. Not hierarchical authority.

Paul never commands husbands to make their wives submit.

If male authority was really the point, wouldn’t Paul tell husbands to ensure their wives stay in line? But he doesn’t. Instead, he tells husbands to love sacrificially, to nourish and cherish, to give themselves up for their wives (Ephesians 5:25-29, NRSV).

That’s not the language of authority. That’s the language of service.

Paul never uses the word “headship.”

We created that word. The Bible says “head” (kephalē)—a term we’ll explore more in a moment—but “headship” as a concept of hierarchical authority? That’s our addition, not Scripture’s.

The Filter We Brought

Here’s the problem: We’ve been reading Paul through the wrong lens. We bring a filter of hierarchical thinking to these passages, and that filter makes us miss what’s actually there in black and white.

We assume someone has to be “the boss.” We assume marriage must have a hierarchical structure with one person making final decisions. We assume that’s just how relationships work.

But that assumption doesn’t come from Scripture. It comes from the world’s empire-like systems. It comes from Rome, not from God’s Kingdom.

When you have a false filter, it’s very hard to see what’s true, even when it’s right there in front of you. You have to start with the actual filter of truth: God’s heart is not the subjugation of any human being. We are all one in Christ. That’s the foundation of the Gospel of God’s Kingdom.

Any theology that makes you feel superior to someone else is the wrong kingdom. Any theology that makes you feel secondary to someone else is the wrong kingdom.

Period. That’s not God’s heart. It’s not His design. And it’s not His Word.

The Real Context

Now let’s talk about what was actually happening in the first century. Because context matters.

In Roman culture, women were domestic slaves. That’s not hyperbole. They literally had the same legal status as slaves.

A woman couldn’t earn wages. Couldn’t own property. Couldn’t enter into contracts. Couldn’t divorce her husband, no matter how he treated her. She belonged to her husband the way Onesimus belonged to Philemon—as property, as chattel, with no legal rights of her own.

Before marriage, she belonged to her father or her oldest brother. After marriage, she belonged to her husband. Her whole life, she was someone’s property.

And it was considered perfectly appropriate for her husband to beat her if she disobeyed. To confine her to the house. To control every aspect of her life. That was normal. That was accepted. That was the law.

So when Paul writes to these women—women who had zero choice about their situation—he’s not reinforcing their subjugation. He’s showing them how to find power within powerlessness. How to release God’s Kingdom even while living under Rome’s oppression.

He’s telling them: “In Christ, you’re free. At church, you get to operate in that freedom. You can prophesy. You can teach. You can lead. But when you go back out into the world where you have no legal rights, choose to submit anyway—not because you have to, but because you get to. Release Kingdom power through your free choice.”

The Revolutionary Message

Do you see how radical this is? Paul isn’t telling women to stay in their place. He’s showing them they have a choice.

For the first time in their lives—for the first time in generations of their families’ lives—these women experienced what it felt like to have agency. To have power. To have a voice.

The church was the one place where they could practice being free. Where a woman could stand up and deliver a prophecy from God. Where she could instruct a brilliant teacher like Apollos in the way of the Lord more accurately (Acts 18:26, NRSV). Where she could serve as a deacon, carrying important letters and representing the apostle Paul himself (Romans 16:1-2, NRSV).

Junia was even called “prominent among the apostles” (Romans 16:7, NRSV). A woman. An apostle. In the first century.

This wasn’t just counter-cultural. It was revolutionary. It was brand new. Nothing like it had ever existed before.

Not in the temple. Not in the synagogue. Not in Roman society. Not in Jewish households. Nowhere.

And then Paul tells these women: “Now go back into a world that sees you as property. But go back as free women. Serve your husbands not because you’re their slave, but because you’re choosing to love them with Christ’s love. Release the Kingdom through your free choice to submit.”

That’s not subjugation. That’s subversion. That’s planting Kingdom yeast in the dough of a broken system, trusting it will eventually leaven the whole lump.

What About “Head”?

I know what you’re thinking: “But Susan, Paul does say the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. Doesn’t that mean authority?”

Let’s look carefully at what Paul actually wrote.

“For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior” (Ephesians 5:23, NRSV).

Notice what Paul emphasizes: Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. The very next verse continues: “Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:24, NRSV).

Then Paul immediately tells husbands how to be head: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, NRSV).

This is not the language of authority and control. This is the language of sacrifice and service. Christ didn’t lord it over the church. He died for it. He gave Himself up for it. He nourishes it and cherishes it (Ephesians 5:29, NRSV).

In my book BLIND SPOT, I explore this in depth. The Greek word for head is kephalē, and it primarily meant “source” or “origin” in first-century usage, not “authority over.” The head is the source of life for the body, the origin of nourishment, the place of unity—not the control center that tells the body what to do.

When Paul says the husband is the head, he’s saying: Be the source of life and nourishment for your wife. Give yourself up for her. Serve her. Cherish her. Be united with her.

That’s a far cry from “I’m the boss and what I say goes.”

The Word We Mistranslated

There’s another critical point about translation. The word we translate as “submit” is hypotassō in Greek. It doesn’t mean “obey” or “be ruled by.”

It’s a military term that means to arrange yourself under, to voluntarily place yourself in support of. It’s something you choose to do for yourself—not something someone else does to you.

That’s why in Ephesians 5:22, the Greek text doesn’t actually contain the word “submit” at all. Look it up. The verse literally reads: “Wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord.”

The verb has to be borrowed from verse 21, which says: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21, NRSV).

Mutual submission. That’s the context. That’s the foundation. Wives submit to husbands within the larger instruction that everyone submits to everyone.

Not hierarchy. Mutuality.

Why This Matters So Much

I know some of you reading this are feeling uncomfortable. Maybe even angry. You’ve been taught your whole life that male headship is biblical. That wives submitting to husbands’ authority is God’s clear design.

And now I’m saying that’s not what Paul taught at all.

I understand. Believe me, I do. This was my journey too. It took me years—twenty-two years, to be exact—to work through all of this. To make sure I knew that I knew that I knew.

But here’s why it matters so much: When we get this wrong, we don’t just misunderstand Paul. We misrepresent God.

We tell women God made them to be secondary. To be helpers who follow. To have their voices and gifts limited by their gender. We tell them that God’s best plan for their lives is to submit to male authority.

But that’s not God’s heart. That’s not His design. That’s not the Gospel of His Kingdom.

In God’s Kingdom, there is no Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female (Galatians 3:28, NRSV). We are all one in Christ. We all have full access to the Father. We all have gifts from Holy Spirit. We all get to use those gifts to build up the body.

No one is secondary. No one is limited by their gender. No one has to wait for male permission to step into their calling.

What Paul Actually Taught

So let me be crystal clear about what I believe Paul was actually teaching:

Paul was writing to people living under oppressive Roman systems. Women had no legal rights. Slaves had no freedom. They couldn’t just opt out of these systems without facing severe consequences.

So Paul showed them how to accommodate those systems without capitulating to them. How to live in the world without being of the world. How to release Kingdom power even while living under empire’s oppression.

He told them: “You’re free in Christ. At church, live out that freedom. Prophesy. Teach. Lead. Use your gifts fully. But when you go back into a world that doesn’t recognize your freedom, don’t try to force change through violence or rebellion. Instead, choose to love and serve freely. Go the second mile. Release the Kingdom through your voluntary submission.”

That was radical. Revolutionary. Counter-cultural in the extreme.

And here’s what breaks my heart: We took that beautiful strategy for subverting oppression and turned it into a mandate for oppression. We took what Paul said about living under Rome and made it the standard within the church.

Paul would never have tolerated that. Never. The church was supposed to be different. Free. Equal. Mutual.

And it’s time we returned to that original vision.

A Better Way

So what does marriage look like when we get this right?

My husband Gregory and I have been living this out for fourteen years now. We practice mutual submission. We make decisions together. We defer to each other’s strengths. We serve each other freely.

And I can tell you—it’s beautiful. It’s freeing. It’s everything marriage was meant to be.

Gregory has never once used his physical strength or male privilege to intimidate me. Never pulled the “I’m the man” card. Never demanded his way or claimed final authority.

Instead, he loves me the way Christ loved the church. He gave up a lucrative career to serve the poor through food ministry. He lifts me up. Encourages my writing and teaching. Supports my calling, even when that calling challenges traditional male authority.

He’s a man’s man—six feet tall, broad-shouldered, strong. But he uses that strength to protect and serve, never to control or dominate. He embodies authentic masculinity—and there’s nothing toxic about it.

That’s what it looks like when a husband is truly “head” in the biblical sense—source of life, nourishment, unity. Not boss. Not ruler. Servant.

And our marriage flourishes because of it.

The Truth That Sets Us Free

Paul never told husbands they were the boss. He never gave them authority over their wives. He never created a hierarchy in marriage.

What he did do was show believers how to live out Kingdom reality—mutual submission, sacrificial love, equal partnership—even while living under empire’s oppression.

He taught women and slaves that they could choose to submit freely, releasing Kingdom power through their choice. He taught husbands to love and serve, giving themselves up like Christ did.

He planted yeast in the dough, trusting it would eventually leaven the whole lump.

And two thousand years later, that yeast is still working. More and more believers are seeing the truth. More and more marriages are embracing mutuality. More and more churches are releasing women into their full gifting.

The truth is setting us free. The real truth. The truth that was hiding in plain sight all along.

Paul never told husbands they were the boss. And it’s time we stopped putting those words in his mouth.

Blessings,
Susan 😊

What has your experience been with these passages? Have you seen mutual submission work in real marriages? Or are you still wrestling with what Scripture teaches? I’d love to hear your honest thoughts in the comments below.