Healthy Boundaries in Kingdom Unity

One of the biggest misconceptions I encounter when talking about unity is this idea that Kingdom relationships mean having no boundaries—that because we're all one in Christ, everyone should have equal access to every part of your heart.

This thinking has caused so much damage. I've seen people recoil from the very idea of unity because they've been hurt by those who trampled their boundaries in the name of "Christian love." I've watched others retreat into isolation, convinced that protecting their hearts means keeping everyone at arm's length.

But here's what I've learned: true Kingdom unity actually requires healthy boundaries. Let me explain what I mean.

The Concentric Circles of Relationship

Picture your heart as the center of concentric circles—like ripples on a pond. The closer to your heart, the smaller the circle. The further out you go, the bigger the circle becomes, and the more people it can hold.

At the very core—the innermost circle—is your relationship with the Father. This is the most intimate space of all, reserved for God alone.

One circle out from that is your spouse (if you're married), your very best friend, or if you're young, maybe a parent. You only have the capacity for that level of intimacy with one person. This isn't a limitation—it's how God designed us.

If you're married and you're giving that level of intimacy to anyone other than your spouse, things in your life are going to be off-kilter. I know this sounds harsh in our culture that doesn't understand the spiritual significance of the marriage bond, but when we give away pieces of our heart to multiple people, we literally tear our soul apart.

Move one more circle out, and you have room for a few close friends—people you can be authentic and real with. You can't be intimate friends with a hundred people. Even Jesus, who was God in the flesh, didn't have that human capacity. He had the twelve, then the three, then John.

The further out from your heart you go, the more capacity you have for more people in those relationships. These outer circles might include coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, or people who share common interests or geography.

Why Boundaries Actually Enable Unity

Here's the paradox: these boundaries don't prevent unity—they make it possible. Each of those circles functions like a protective boundary, and someone has to earn the right to move from "Hey, I just met you" all the way through those layers into becoming an intimate friend.

In our broken world, most of us never learned how to navigate these boundaries properly. I know when I was growing up, my most intimate connections in my teenage years were other kids, not healthy adults. Kids are messy, especially kids coming from broken homes. Because we didn't understand healthy relationship progression, each one of those concentric circles got violated, leaving pieces of our hearts scattered in strange places.

Thank Jesus that He can come and break off those unhealthy soul ties and restore all those broken, shattered pieces of our heart back into wholeness. He can give us the knowledge and wisdom to understand that as we're meeting someone new, we need to discern carefully. Through time and experience, they can journey through those levels of relationship into a place where we really trust them.

The Journey from Stranger to Friend

When I first met some of my dearest friends two years ago, we weren't sitting at this level of intimacy right away. We might have liked each other, but we were way out in those outer circles. It only comes through time and relationship that we discover we really have the same vision, the same heart for the Lord, the same desire to see people healed and whole.

This progression isn't just wise—it's biblical. Even Jesus didn't immediately trust everyone who followed Him. Scripture tells us "He knew what was in man." He understood that trust had to be built over time through proven character.

When Boundaries Get Violated

One of the most damaging things that happens in churches is when people jump from the outer circles straight to the inner ones without earning that place. I've seen this pattern repeatedly: someone new shows up and immediately declares, "This is what I've been looking for all my life! You're the greatest teacher I've ever heard! All the other churches are horrible, but this one is amazing!"

Red flags should go up immediately. Anyone willing to commit to you at that level so quickly means they're going to have expectations you can't possibly meet. They're going to end up getting hurt, probably within just a few weeks, because they've jumped from "stranger" to "intimate friend" without any foundation.

The phrase that's guided me in relationships is "tested then trusted." Not because I'm looking at people with suspicion, but because I understand that healthy relationships require time and proven character to develop properly.

The False Expectations That Destroy Unity

In our culture, the enemy has done an incredible job of breaking down our understanding of how humans are supposed to relate to each other. When people don't understand these relational boundaries, they often come into church environments with completely wrong expectations.

Because they sense their calling in Christ—and every born-again believer does sense they have a calling—they mistakenly think that calling can only be fulfilled by getting close to the leadership. They don't understand that the Kingdom is everywhere: in their work, in their school, in their home. Church is just one aspect of the Kingdom.

But if they think the Kingdom only happens at church, they'll show up expecting to "rise to the top" and get close to the powerful ones because they think their significance comes from proximity to leadership. This creates a culture full of envy, strife, jealousy, competition, and every evil thing the Bible warns against.

What Healthy Church Relationships Look Like

When people understand proper relational boundaries, they come into church with a completely different mindset. They're thinking, "I'm here to give and to receive at a healthy level. I'm here to get to know people gradually. While I'm here, I'm going to contribute appropriately at each level of relationship."

They're not walking in expecting the pastor to fix them or serve them, and they're not expecting to become best friends with the leadership immediately. They understand that you can't be best friends with 100 people, and even if a church had 100 children, some of those children would end up in more of a sibling relationship while others might be closer to the parents.

This doesn't create hierarchy—it creates health. It acknowledges the reality of how relationships actually work while honoring everyone's dignity and calling.

Unity Requires Wisdom

True Kingdom unity isn't just "getting along" or pretending we're all equally close to everyone. Biblical unity means being joined to one another in appropriate ways that honor both our calling to love and our need for healthy boundaries.

When we understand this, we can move mountains together because we're functioning as a healthy body rather than a dysfunctional family where everyone is either too close or too distant.

It takes faith to connect with people—real faith, because healthy people still have free will and can hurt us. There's no guarantee you won't experience pain. But the more we receive inner healing ourselves, the better we become at discerning who else is safe and who needs more time to prove their character.

The Beauty of Earned Intimacy

Here's what's beautiful about this process: when someone has actually earned their way into those inner circles through proven character and time, the relationships that result are incredibly strong. Trust that's been tested is so much deeper than trust that's never been challenged.

The goal isn't to keep people out—it's to create space for the right people to come in at the right pace in the right way. This honors both their dignity and yours, and it creates the foundation for relationships that can actually reflect the nature of God.

Have you experienced the pain of violated boundaries in church or other relationships? Or have you seen the beauty of relationships that developed at the right pace with proper boundaries? I'd love to hear your story.

Blessings,
Susan 😊