Tested Then Trusted: Building Authentic Relationships
"Tested then trusted." This simple phrase has become one of my guiding principles for relationships, and it's saved me from countless heartaches while opening the door to some of the most beautiful friendships of my life.
It sounds almost cynical, doesn't it? Like I'm approaching people with suspicion or keeping them at arm's length. But actually, it's the opposite. This principle has allowed me to love people more freely because I understand how trust actually develops—and why rushing the process usually ends in pain for everyone involved.
The Flatterer's Trap
Over the years, I've learned to be especially cautious of people who flatter me immediately. You know the type: they show up and within minutes they're telling me, "You're the greatest teacher I've ever heard! This is exactly what I've been looking for my whole life! All the other churches around here are terrible, but this one is amazing!"
My internal alarm bells start ringing, not because I don't appreciate encouragement, but because I've seen this pattern too many times. Someone who's willing to commit to you at that level so quickly—someone who's ready to elevate you above everyone else they've ever encountered—is setting you up for an inevitable fall.
Here's why: if they can make such sweeping declarations about your greatness after knowing you for five minutes, they clearly have expectations that no human being could possibly meet. They're not really seeing you; they're seeing their fantasy of what they need you to be. And when reality inevitably disappoints that fantasy—which it will, because you're human—they'll often swing to the opposite extreme with just as much intensity.
Why Immediate Intimacy Backfires
In our broken culture, we've lost the understanding of how relationships are supposed to develop. We live in an instant-everything society where we expect immediate gratification, immediate results, immediate intimacy. But relationships don't work that way.
When someone wants to jump from "stranger" to "best friend" or from "visitor" to "inner circle leadership" without earning that place through time and proven character, they're actually setting up both themselves and others for hurt.
I think about the people I'm closest to now—my dearest friends and ministry partners. When we first met, we weren't sitting at this level of intimacy. We might have liked each other, respected each other, sensed some connection, but we were appropriately cautious. It was only through time, through seeing each other in different circumstances, through observing how each person handled both success and difficulty, that real trust was built.
How Trust Actually Develops
Real trust isn't built in the absence of problems—it's built by walking through problems together and seeing how each person responds.
When Gregory and I first got married, we both carried emotional baggage from our pasts. Those first few years weren't easy. We faced financial challenges, ministry difficulties, family concerns—you name it. But we were both committed to walking in love and growing in understanding.
Now, after fourteen years of marriage, I don't trust Gregory completely because we've never had problems. I trust him completely because I know how he handles problems. I've seen his character tested under pressure. I've watched how he responds when he's hurt, when he's stressed, when he's disappointed. I've observed his heart when no one else is looking.
That kind of trust can't be manufactured or rushed. It has to be earned through a thousand small moments of choosing love over selfishness, truth over convenience, humility over pride.
The Difference Between Love and Trust
This is important to understand: you can love someone immediately, but trust develops over time. Jesus loved everyone He encountered, but He "didn't entrust himself to them, because he knew what was in man."
Love is a choice—a decision to seek someone's highest good regardless of how they treat you. Trust is an assessment—a conclusion based on observed behavior over time about whether someone is safe to be vulnerable with.
I can choose to love you the day I meet you. I can treat you with kindness, respect, and dignity. I can honor the image of God in you and seek your wellbeing. But if you want access to the most vulnerable parts of my heart, you're going to have to prove that you'll handle that access responsibly.
What "Testing" Actually Looks Like
When I say "tested then trusted," I don't mean putting people through artificial trials or creating hoops for them to jump through. I mean paying attention to how they handle normal life circumstances:
How do they treat people who can't do anything for them?
How do they respond when they don't get their way?
How do they handle confidential information you share with them?
How do they talk about other people when those people aren't around?
How do they respond to correction or feedback?
Do they take responsibility for their mistakes, or do they blame others?
Are they consistent in their character, or do they change dramatically depending on their audience?
These aren't tests you administer—they're observations you make as you do life together over time.
The Beautiful Outcome of Proven Trust
Here's what's beautiful about this process: when someone has actually earned their way into those inner circles of trust through proven character, the relationships that result are incredibly resilient.
I think about my closest friendships now—relationships where we've been through difficulties together and come out stronger on the other side. There's a depth of trust there that couldn't exist any other way. We've seen each other's worst moments and chosen to love anyway. We've disagreed strongly about important things and found our way back to unity. We've made mistakes that hurt each other and experienced the grace of forgiveness.
That kind of bond—forged through actual experience rather than initial enthusiasm—can weather almost any storm.
Why This Honors God
Some people think this approach lacks faith or love, but I believe it actually honors God's design for relationships. Even within the Trinity, there's an element of proven faithfulness. The Father could trust the Son to go to the cross because of their eternal relationship and the Son's consistent character. The Son could trust the Spirit to continue His work because of who He knew the Spirit to be.
God Himself demonstrates this principle. He reveals Himself gradually, giving us deeper levels of intimacy as we prove faithful with what He's already given us. "Well done, good and faithful servant... I will put you in charge of many things."
Building a Foundation That Lasts
When we rush relationships, we're usually building on emotions, needs, or projections rather than on reality. Those foundations are shaky and won't support the weight of real intimacy when it comes.
But when we allow relationships to develop naturally, observing character over time and earning each other's trust through proven faithfulness, we're building on solid ground. These relationships can support the weight of deep vulnerability, honest communication, and mutual interdependence.
The Faith It Takes
Yes, it takes faith to connect with people—real faith, because even healthy people have free will and can still hurt us. There's no guarantee that anyone won't make mistakes or that relationships won't involve pain.
But the more we understand how relationships actually work, the more we can engage with appropriate wisdom. We can love freely while trusting carefully. We can be open-hearted while being wise about who gets access to what parts of our hearts.
This isn't cynicism—it's wisdom. And wisdom allows us to build relationships that truly reflect the nature of God: deep, faithful, resilient, and life-giving.
What has been your experience with the difference between love and trust? Have you learned to appreciate relationships that developed slowly versus those that started with immediate intensity? I'd love to hear your insights.
Blessings,
Susan 😊