Power Doesn't Corrupt—It Reveals: Why Abuse Isn't a Gender Issue
When I first started understanding the dynamics of abuse, I had to confront some uncomfortable assumptions I'd been carrying. Like many people, I initially thought abuse was primarily a "masculine" problem—that there was something inherently flawed in masculinity that led to domination and violence.
But then I started looking at the broader picture, and I realized something that completely changed my perspective: power itself corrupts, regardless of who holds it.
Take Italy, for example. Italian culture is famously matriarchal—the mama is in control, the women run the households and often the businesses. Did this produce a more loving, kind, generous society? Did it eliminate violence and corruption?
No. It produced the mafia.
That revelation forced me to confront an uncomfortable truth: the problem isn't men. The problem isn't women. The problem is dominance-based power systems themselves.
Dismantling a Dangerous Myth
We've been conditioned to think about abuse in gendered terms. Men are portrayed as the natural aggressors, women as the natural victims. This framework isn't just oversimplified—it's harmful to everyone involved.
It lets abusive women off the hook. When we assume abuse is primarily a male problem, we fail to recognize and address abusive behavior from women.
It stigmatizes masculinity itself. We begin to view masculine traits like strength, leadership, and assertiveness as inherently dangerous rather than recognizing how they can be used for good or ill.
It disempowers men who are victims. Male victims of abuse—whether from women or other men—often struggle to be believed or taken seriously because it doesn't fit our cultural narrative.
It misses the real problem. By focusing on gender, we fail to address the actual issue: systems that prioritize power over love, control over service, dominance over partnership.
The True Nature of Power
Here's what I've learned about power through painful experience: power reveals who we really are. It doesn't change our character—it exposes it.
The issue isn't whether men or women hold power. The issue is what kind of power system we're operating within. Are we using dominance-based power that says "my will be done" and "I get my way"? Or are we operating in the love-based power of God's Kingdom?
Dominance-based power is about control:
I'm the one who's secure
I'm the one who's blessed
It's all about me getting my way
Power flows downward in one direction
Success means rising above others
Love-based power is about service:
We're secure together
We're blessed together
It's about what serves the greatest good
Power flows in all directions
Success means lifting everyone up
When women operated within traditional patriarchal systems, many learned to manipulate and control through indirect means. They figured out how to maneuver the system to exercise their will—often through emotional manipulation, guilt, passive-aggression, or working behind the scenes to get their way.
This wasn't because they were inherently more moral than men. It was because they were working within a power system that denied them direct authority, so they found other ways to exert control.
The Corruption of Any System
I've come to believe that if we lived in a completely matriarchal society—where women had all the traditional power and men were relegated to supporting roles—the corruption would be just as real, just as damaging. Why? Because the fundamental problem isn't gender; it's the pyramid structure itself.
Any system that says one group of people should have authority over another group based on characteristics they can't control (gender, race, family of origin, etc.) is setting up conditions for abuse.
In patriarchal systems: Men often abuse their power through physical intimidation, financial control, and institutional authority.
In matriarchal systems: Women often abuse their power through emotional manipulation, relational aggression, and controlling access to children or social networks.
In any hierarchical system: Those at the top tend to protect their position at the expense of those below them.
The common thread isn't gender—it's the belief that some people deserve power over others rather than power with others.
Why This Matters for Understanding Abuse
Recognizing that abuse isn't fundamentally a gender issue changes how we address it:
We look at patterns rather than stereotypes. Instead of assuming all abusers fit a certain profile, we learn to recognize controlling behaviors regardless of who exhibits them.
We protect all victims. Male victims, victims of same-sex abuse, and victims of female perpetrators all deserve the same support and belief.
We address systemic issues. Instead of trying to fix men or women, we work to build systems that don't concentrate power in ways that enable abuse.
We model healthy power dynamics. We demonstrate what it looks like to use strength and influence for protection and empowerment rather than control.
The Real Solution: Kingdom Power
The answer to dominance-based power isn't to switch who's in charge—it's to reject the dominance model entirely and embrace what Jesus demonstrated: power that serves rather than demands to be served.
"You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve" (Matthew 20:25-28, ESV).
This isn't about weakness or passivity. Jesus was incredibly powerful—but His power was exercised on behalf of others, especially the vulnerable and marginalized.
Kingdom power protects rather than exploits.
Kingdom power lifts up rather than puts down.
Kingdom power serves rather than demands service.
Kingdom power operates through love rather than fear.
Mutual Submission as the Alternative
In God's Kingdom, power isn't about one person being in charge—it's about mutual submission where both people (or all people in a community) defer to one another out of love and respect.
This doesn't mean there's no leadership or decision-making. It means leadership flows naturally based on wisdom, gifting, and circumstances rather than being permanently assigned based on gender or position.
In my marriage with Gregory, we've discovered that this model actually creates more effective leadership, not less. When both people feel heard and valued, when both people's wisdom is sought and respected, we make better decisions together than either of us would make alone.
Sometimes I lead when the situation calls for my particular gifts or expertise.
Sometimes Gregory leads when his strengths are what's needed.
Usually we lead together, combining our perspectives to find solutions neither of us would have reached individually.
This isn't chaos—it's partnership. And it's far more effective than hierarchical models where one person always has to be "in charge" regardless of whether they're equipped for the particular challenge at hand.
Breaking the Cycle in Families
One of the most important places to model healthy power dynamics is in our families. Whether we realize it or not, we're teaching our children what relationships should look like.
If children grow up seeing dominance-based relationships, they often either become abusers themselves or find themselves attracted to abusive partners because it feels familiar.
If children grow up seeing mutual respect and shared decision-making, they're more likely to build healthy relationships as adults.
This isn't about eliminating all structure or authority in families. Children need boundaries and guidance. It's about ensuring that authority serves the child's wellbeing rather than the parent's convenience or ego.
It's about teaching children that strength is for protecting others, not controlling them. That leadership is about responsibility to serve, not privilege to command.
Challenging Our Assumptions
If you've been raised in traditional gender role thinking, this perspective might feel threatening or confusing. You might be thinking:
"But men are generally physically stronger. Doesn't that suggest they're designed to lead?"
"Don't men and women have different gifts that naturally create different roles?"
"Isn't there something in male nature that makes them more suited for leadership?"
These are fair questions that deserve thoughtful answers:
Physical strength doesn't determine leadership capability any more than height or running speed does. In our modern world, most leadership requires wisdom, communication skills, emotional intelligence, and strategic thinking—none of which are gender-specific.
Different gifts absolutely exist between individuals, and sometimes these differences correlate with gender. But correlation isn't causation, and individual variation within genders is often greater than average differences between genders.
"Male nature" as we understand it has been shaped by thousands of years of cultural conditioning. When we see men being more aggressive or assertive, we're often seeing the result of cultural expectations rather than biological imperatives.
More importantly, even if general tendencies exist, they don't justify permanent role assignments. Each person deserves to be evaluated as an individual rather than limited by statistical averages about their gender.
The Unity Solution
Here's what I've come to believe: real power—the kind that can transform the world—comes from the unity of men and women working together as equal partners. Not with one group subordinate to the other, but with both bringing their full gifts and perspectives to create something neither could accomplish alone.
This unity isn't mutual submission in the sense of both people being weak or passive. It's mutual submission in the sense of both people being so strong and secure that they can afford to defer to each other, to seek each other's wisdom, to put the relationship and its purposes above their individual need to be in control.
When my Gregory uses his considerable physical and social power to protect and empower rather than control and intimidate, he's modeling what healthy masculinity looks like.
When I use my intelligence and influence to build up our partnership rather than manipulate outcomes, I'm modeling what healthy femininity looks like.
Together, we create something more powerful than either of us could create alone—not because one of us is in charge, but because both of us are fully engaged.
A Call to Examine Our Systems
This understanding has implications far beyond marriage and family relationships. Every system where humans interact—churches, businesses, schools, governments—can operate either on dominance-based power or Kingdom-based power.
In dominance-based systems:
Those at the top protect their position
Information flows downward but not upward
Mistakes are hidden or blamed on subordinates
Success is measured by individual advancement
Power is used to maintain power
In Kingdom-based systems:
Leadership serves the mission and the people
Communication flows in all directions
Mistakes are opportunities for learning and improvement
Success is measured by collective flourishing
Power is used to empower others
The question isn't whether we need structure and leadership—we do. The question is whether that structure serves love or serves itself.
Moving Forward
If abuse isn't fundamentally a gender issue but a power issue, then our solutions need to be power-focused rather than gender-focused:
We need to identify and dismantle dominance-based power structures wherever we find them—whether they're led by men or women.
We need to create accountability systems that prevent the concentration of unchecked power in any individual or small group.
We need to teach healthy power dynamics starting in childhood, modeling what it looks like to use strength and influence for service rather than control.
We need to recognize abuse in all its forms, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator or victim.
We need to build communities where mutual submission and shared leadership are the norm rather than the exception.
This isn't about eliminating strength or leadership—it's about ensuring that strength serves love and leadership serves the common good.
The Hope Ahead
When I look at the exposure of abuse happening across institutions right now—churches, schools, corporations, entertainment—I don't see it as the world falling apart. I see it as God shaking what can be shaken so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
The Kingdom of God is characterized by righteousness, peace, and joy in Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). Any system that creates fear, enables abuse, or protects the powerful at the expense of the vulnerable is not reflecting God's Kingdom—regardless of what it calls itself.
As these dominance-based systems are exposed and transformed, we have the opportunity to build something better. We can create families, churches, businesses, and communities that truly reflect the heart of God—where the vulnerable are protected, where power serves rather than exploits, where unity creates strength rather than division creating weakness.
This transformation isn't about women taking power from men or vice versa. It's about all of us learning to exercise whatever power we have in ways that reflect the character of Christ—with love, humility, and a commitment to the flourishing of all.
That's the Kingdom Jesus came to establish. That's the world we can build together. And that's worth fighting for—not through dominance, but through the radical, transformative power of love.
Blessings,
Susan 😊