Red Flags I Wish Someone Had Taught Me to See
The first time he disabled my car, I didn't call it abuse. I didn't even call it alarming.
He had removed the distributor caps—something I had no idea how to fix or replace. I was stranded, completely dependent on his mercy to restore my mobility. But when I mentioned it to his family, they dismissed it with a wave: "Oh, that's just him throwing a temper tantrum. Don't worry about it. He'll get over it."
And I believed them. I thought this was normal. I thought I was overreacting.
Looking back now, after decades of inner healing and helping others recognize the signs I missed, I realize how many red flags I walked past because nobody ever taught me what they looked like. If you're wondering whether certain behaviors in your relationship are concerning, or if you're trying to help someone else identify potential danger signs, I want to share what I've learned—often the hard way.
The Spectrum of Violence
One of the most dangerous myths we've been taught is that violence always leaves a bruise. For years, I told myself I would never stay in an "abusive relationship" because I equated abuse solely with physical violence. If he never hit me, if he never left a mark, then it couldn't be abuse, right?
This thinking nearly cost me and my children decades of our lives.
Violence exists along a spectrum, and it rarely starts at the extreme end. Most domestic violence doesn't go from zero to choking or hitting. It typically begins with subtler forms of control—manipulation, financial control, emotional control, isolation, monitoring your technology and communications.
As one expert puts it, violence is any use of force to control somebody. When you understand it this way, you begin to see that intimidation, manipulation, and coercion are all forms of violence, even when they don't leave physical evidence.
Red Flags That Masquerade as Love
The most insidious red flags are the ones that feel like expressions of care or protection. Looking back at my own dating experience, there were clear warning signs I interpreted as signs of love:
Isolation disguised as protection: When he gradually separated me from the people in my life who loved me, he made it seem protective. "They're just using you," he would say. "They don't really have your best interests at heart like I do." This felt like he cared more about me than anyone else ever had.
Control disguised as provision: The car incident wasn't the only time he controlled my ability to leave. But each time, there was a rationalization that made it seem reasonable, even caring.
Jealousy disguised as devotion: Excessive jealousy often gets romanticized in our culture as proof of how much someone loves you. But healthy love trusts. Healthy love wants you to have other meaningful relationships.
Decision-making that excludes you: When someone consistently makes unilateral decisions that affect your life—where you'll live, how money will be spent, what social activities you can participate in—they're treating you like a child or possession, not a partner.
The Walking-on-Eggshells Dynamic
One of the clearest indicators that you're in an unhealthy relationship is when you find yourself constantly trying not to "make him mad." You and your children are perpetually walking on eggshells, praying none of them crack and trigger an explosion.
This creates a home environment ruled by fear rather than love. And here's what Scripture tells us about fear and love: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment" (1 John 4:18, NIV).
If you're afraid to bring up conversations with your spouse, if you're modifying your behavior to avoid conflict, if you're teaching your children to tiptoe around one parent's moods—there's a problem. You cannot have true intimacy and live in fear at the same time.
The Instinctive Line-Readers
Narcissists and abusers often have an almost genius-level instinct for knowing exactly where the line is. They push right up to it, then pull back just before crossing into territory that might have serious consequences.
In my case, he seemed to know that physical violence would be my breaking point. So he stayed just short of that line while inflicting emotional, financial, and psychological harm. Then came the love-bombing phases—periods where everything was wonderful, where he was charming and attentive and made me question whether I had been overreacting to the difficult times.
This hot-and-cold cycle is another major red flag. Healthy relationships have normal ups and downs, but they don't operate like emotional roller coasters with extreme highs and lows.
Financial Control and Dependency
Financial abuse is one of the most common forms of domestic violence, yet it's rarely discussed. This can include:
Taking away credit cards or access to bank accounts
Preventing you from working or sabotaging your employment
Controlling all financial decisions without input
Creating debt in your name
Refusing to contribute to household expenses while preventing you from meeting them
Financial control ensures you can't leave even if you want to. It's a particularly effective trap because it creates practical barriers to independence.
The Dangerous Escalation
Here's what I want every person to understand: these behaviors typically escalate over time. What starts as occasional controlling behavior often progresses to more frequent and severe control. What begins as emotional manipulation can eventually become physical violence.
The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is often when they're trying to leave. That's when the abuser's sense of control is most threatened, and that's when violence can escalate dramatically.
According to recent Johns Hopkins research, domestic violence is the second leading cause of death for African American women, the third leading cause of death for Native American women, and the seventh leading cause of death for Caucasian women. These aren't just statistics—these are mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends whose lives were cut short by escalating abuse.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
If I could go back and speak to my younger self—or to any woman beginning to notice concerning patterns—here's what I would say:
Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Don't let others convince you that you're overreacting or being too sensitive.
Healthy relationships don't require you to shrink. You shouldn't have to make yourself smaller, quieter, or more compliant to keep peace in your relationship.
Love doesn't seek to control. Real love wants you to flourish and become everything God created you to be. It doesn't seek to limit, diminish, or control you.
You deserve to have a voice. In healthy relationships, both people's opinions, feelings, and needs matter equally.
Your children are watching. Even if the abuse isn't directed at them, children who witness manipulation, control, and emotional violence are being harmed. They're learning that this is what relationships look like.
Resources for Recognition and Help
If you're recognizing yourself in this description, please know that you're not alone and that help is available. Here are some valuable resources:
Wilderness2Wild.com (by Sarah McDougall) outlines different forms of abuse with clear definitions and examples along the spectrum of severity
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Healed and Held Facebook group by Heather Elizabeth provides support specifically for women experiencing abuse
Moving Forward with Hope
Recognizing red flags isn't about becoming cynical or suspicious of everyone. It's about developing healthy boundaries and understanding what godly relationships actually look like. When we know what we're looking for, we can make better choices and help others do the same.
God's heart is for you to experience relationships built on mutual respect, honor, and genuine love—not control, manipulation, or fear. You were created to flourish in relationships that reflect His nature: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV).
If you're currently in a situation where you recognize these red flags, please reach out for help. You don't have to figure this out alone, and you don't have to stay trapped by fear, obligation, or confusion about what God wants for your life.
There is hope. There is healing. And there are people who understand what you're going through and want to help you find safety and freedom.
The red flags I missed were there all along. I just needed someone to teach me how to see them. Now I'm teaching you. Trust what you see. Trust what you feel. And trust that God's heart is for your wholeness and freedom.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911. For confidential support and safety planning, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org.
Blessings,
Susan 😊