What Your Pastor Doesn't Know Could Kill You
"He's just mean."
Those were the only words I had for what was happening in my marriage. When people would ask how things were going, when I tried to explain the constant tension in our home, when I reached out for help from church leaders—that's all I could say.
"He's just mean. He's a jerk. He's unreasonable. He's unpredictable."
I didn't have language for the systematic emotional intimidation, the financial control, the isolation from friends, the constant criticism designed to break down my confidence. I didn't know these were recognized patterns of abuse. I thought they were just... marriage problems.
And unfortunately, most pastors don't know either.
The Education Gap That's Killing Us
Here's the uncomfortable truth: Most seminary programs don't teach pastoral students how to recognize domestic violence. They learn Greek and Hebrew, systematic theology, church history, and preaching techniques. But identifying the warning signs of abuse? Understanding the dynamics of psychological manipulation? Knowing the difference between marital conflict and domestic violence?
That's not part of the curriculum.
So when someone like me sits across from a pastor and says, "My husband is mean," many respond with what they've been trained to say about marriage difficulties:
"Have you been submitting to his authority?"
"Marriage is about dying to yourself."
"God hates divorce."
"Let's pray for your husband's heart to change."
These responses aren't just unhelpful—they're dangerous. They keep victims trapped, send them back into harmful situations with a spiritual mandate to endure, and essentially give abusers a free pass to continue their behavior.
When Religious Advice Becomes Deadly Counsel
I spent twenty years in an abusive marriage, much of that time serving in a marriage ministry where I counseled other women. I was teaching submission and biblical wifhood while living in emotional and psychological terrorism. The irony would be laughable if it weren't so tragic.
The advice I received from church leaders was consistent: Submit more. Pray harder. Trust God to change him. Don't focus on his behavior; focus on your own heart.
But here's what no one told me: I was living with someone who was systematically using control tactics to manipulate my behavior. These weren't character flaws or communication problems—they were deliberate patterns designed to maintain power over me.
When pastors lack education about abuse dynamics, they unknowingly become accomplices to the abuser's narrative. They reinforce the victim's self-doubt, add spiritual shame to an already unbearable situation, and delay the intervention that could save lives.
The Criminal Behavior Hiding in Plain Sight
Most forms of domestic violence are crimes. Physical assault, threats of violence, stalking, financial fraud, sexual assault—these behaviors don't become legal just because they happen inside a marriage.
Yet somehow, when these same criminal acts occur between spouses, churches often treat them as "marriage problems" rather than criminal behavior requiring serious intervention.
If a stranger grabbed your arm and wouldn't let you leave a room, you'd call the police. But when a husband does it, we call it a "communication issue."
If a coworker threatened to hurt you if you didn't comply with their demands, you'd report them to HR and possibly law enforcement. But when a spouse does it, we suggest marriage counseling.
This disconnect between criminal behavior and pastoral response is getting people killed.
The Statistics Churches Don't Want to Face
Here are some numbers that should wake up every church leader:
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime
Domestic violence occurs at the same rates in Christian homes as in non-Christian homes
3 women per day are killed by intimate partners in the United States
The most dangerous time for a victim is when they try to leave the relationship
These aren't secular problems that don't affect the church. These are happening in your congregation, to people sitting in your pews, while church leaders remain largely unaware and untrained to help.
What Proper Training Would Look Like
Imagine if every pastor knew:
The warning signs of abuse:
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Isolation from friends and family
Control of finances or access to resources
Threats of violence or displays of weapons
Constant criticism designed to erode self-esteem
Use of children to manipulate or control
Sexual coercion or assault
The dynamics of power and control:
How abusers use systematic tactics to maintain dominance
Why victims don't "just leave"
How trauma bonding works
The escalation patterns that lead to homicide
Appropriate responses:
Believing victims when they report abuse
Helping create safety plans rather than demanding forgiveness
Understanding when separation is necessary for protection
Working with domestic violence professionals rather than handling everything "in-house"
The legal realities:
When behavior crosses from "difficult" to criminal
Mandatory reporting requirements for child abuse
How to document threats and incidents properly
Working with law enforcement rather than avoiding it
The Cost of Our Ignorance
When churches remain uneducated about abuse, the consequences are devastating:
Victims suffer longer because they receive spiritual pressure to endure rather than practical help to escape.
Children are traumatized as they grow up witnessing violence while being told it's normal or God's will.
Abusers face no accountability because their behavior is minimized as "marriage problems" rather than criminal conduct.
Communities become unsafe as dangerous individuals are protected by religious systems that prioritize appearances over safety.
The church's witness is damaged as we become known for enabling abuse rather than demonstrating Christ's love.
From My Own Journey to Yours
Looking back, I can see countless moments when proper pastoral education could have changed the trajectory of my life. If someone had been trained to recognize the patterns I was describing. If someone had known that "he's just mean" might be code for "I'm being systematically abused but don't have language for it." If someone had understood that biblical submission was never meant to enable domestic violence.
Instead, I got twenty years of spiritual band-aids on a situation that required surgical intervention.
I don't share this to blame those pastors. They were operating with the tools they'd been given. But I do share it to illustrate the life-and-death importance of proper training.
Creating Safe Churches
The good news is that change is possible. Churches can become truly safe spaces—not just in our marketing materials, but in our actual responses to people in crisis.
This requires:
Leadership commitment to learning about abuse dynamics and trauma-informed care.
Partnership with professionals rather than trying to handle everything internally. Domestic violence organizations, law enforcement, and mental health professionals should be trusted allies, not competitors.
Policy development that clearly defines unacceptable behavior and appropriate responses.
Cultural transformation that values safety over appearance, truth over unity, and victim protection over institutional reputation.
Ongoing education that keeps leaders current on best practices and legal requirements.
A Vision for What's Possible
Imagine churches where:
Victims are believed rather than blamed
Safety planning is valued more than marriage preservation
Criminal behavior is recognized and reported appropriately
Abusers face real accountability and consequences
Children are protected rather than sacrificed for "family unity"
God's Kingdom values of justice and protection guide responses rather than cultural expectations about gender roles
These churches exist. They're growing. And they're discovering that when we truly follow Christ's example of protecting the vulnerable and confronting abuse of power, our communities become what they were always meant to be: safe havens that reflect God's heart.
The Choice Before Church Leaders
Every pastor, counselor, and church leader reading this has a choice to make:
Will you continue operating with inadequate knowledge, hoping these situations don't arise in your ministry?
Or will you commit to the education and training necessary to properly serve those who are suffering?
The woman sitting in your office saying "he's just mean" might be trying to tell you she's in mortal danger. Do you have the knowledge to hear what she's really saying?
What your congregation doesn't know about abuse dynamics could kill them. But what you don't know as their leader could kill them faster.
It's time for churches to close this deadly education gap. Lives literally depend on it.
Resources for Church Leaders
If you're a pastor or church leader ready to get educated about domestic violence, here are some starting points:
National Domestic Violence Hotline Training Resources (thehotline.org)
Faith Trust Institute (faithtrustinstitute.org) - Specialized training for religious communities
Local domestic violence organizations - Most offer training for community leaders
"Not Under Bondage" by Barbara Roberts - Biblical perspective on domestic abuse
"The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen
The time for ignorance has passed. The stakes are too high, and the solutions are too available.
Your congregation is counting on you to be prepared for their darkest moments. Please don't let them down.
Blessings,
Susan 😊