Revolutionizing Marriage: What Mutual Submission Actually Produces

"If everyone is submitting, who's leading? Someone has to make final decisions!"

This is probably the most common objection I hear when I talk about mutual submission in marriage. The question reveals just how deeply we've been influenced by worldly power structures. We struggle to imagine decision-making outside a hierarchy where someone must have "final authority."

But let me share with you what I've discovered after years of living this out with Gregory: Mutual submission isn't a contradiction in terms—it's a completely different paradigm that produces stronger marriages, not weaker ones.

The False Choice We've Been Given

First, let's address the elephant in the room. People often react to mutual submission by saying, "What you're doing is just replacing patriarchy with matriarchy. You're taking power away from men and giving it to women so they can get revenge."

But that's a false choice based on the wrong kingdom's thinking. We're not advocating for a seesaw where if men go down, women must go up. We're not saying that removing traditional male authority means women suddenly become "large and in charge" while men put their heads down and acquiesce to everything.

The whole idea that "someone has to be in control" reveals pyramid thinking. Whether it's patriarchy or matriarchy, it's still the same flawed system—just with different people on top.

What We're Actually Advocating

What we're advocating for is the complete eradication of the false idea of dominance-based submission and replacing it with God's Kingdom idea of submission, which is mutual and rooted in love, not power.

Think about how the Trinity functions: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit submit to one another in a beautiful dance of mutual honor and deference. There's no power struggle, no "final authority" needed to break ties. They work in perfect unity while maintaining their distinct personalities and roles.

That's the model for Kingdom relationships.

How It Actually Works

So what does this look like practically? Let me share some examples from our marriage:

Decision-Making: When Gregory and I face decisions, we don't ask, "Who has the final say?" We ask, "How can we find God's wisdom together?" This might mean waiting for clarity rather than forcing a decision. Often, this produces better outcomes than hierarchical decision-making because we're both fully invested in the result.

Leading and Following: Leadership in our marriage flows naturally based on who has relevant expertise, who has more bandwidth at different life stages, and whose gifts are most needed for particular challenges. Gregory might lead in one area while I lead in another. Some seasons require one of us to take more leadership while the other focuses on different priorities.

Using Our Gifts: I have financial and business expertise, so I naturally take the lead in those areas. Gregory has incredible pastoral gifts and wisdom in ministry, so I gladly follow his leadership there. Neither of us feels threatened by the other's strengths—we celebrate them.

The Matriarchy We Already Have

Here's something ironic: In most traditional "patriarchal" marriages I've observed, you actually end up with functional matriarchy anyway. The women who crow the most about their husbands being the head are often actually the ones in charge.

Why? Because when you create a power structure where women feel disempowered, they often become manipulative and controlling behind the scenes. They learn to work the system, giving lip service to male authority while finding ways to get their way through manipulation.

I've watched this play out countless times. The wife says, "I understand my husband is the head," but when it comes to vacation decisions, financial choices, or child discipline, she's actually calling the shots. There's cognitive dissonance between what they say they believe and what they actually do.

This creates hypocrisy and resentment on both sides.

The Safety That Creates Intimacy

What I love about our approach is the safety it creates. Gregory has never once used his greater physical strength or societal privilege against me. He's never pulled the "I'm the man and what I say goes" card. He's never used intimidation—physical, financial, or emotional—to get his way.

This safety creates room for authentic vulnerability and intimacy. When I know Gregory will never use his power against me, I can open my heart fully to him without fear. And when Gregory knows I respect and honor him not out of obligation but out of genuine appreciation for his character, he can be authentic rather than maintaining a facade of "male leadership."

The Reciprocal Nature of Love

One of the most beautiful aspects of mutual submission is how it creates what I call a "virtuous cycle." Gregory's self-giving love makes me want to love him more deeply in return. His love helps me to love better. I am a better person and a better wife because of how Gregory loves me.

This is exactly what Paul described in Ephesians 5. The husband's Christ-like love inspires the wife's respect and submission; the wife's respect and submission inspire the husband's deeper love. It's not a hierarchy but a dance of mutual honor that elevates both partners.

Addressing the "Strength" Question

Some people worry that mutual submission weakens men and marriage. But this reveals a profound misunderstanding of both strength and submission. True strength isn't found in controlling others but in the capacity to serve and lift others up—precisely what Jesus modeled.

Gregory is absolutely a man's man. He's strong, capable, and wouldn't hesitate to defend those weaker than him. But that strength has never once been used to intimidate me or force his will. Instead, it's channeled into protection and empowerment.

He's not less of a man because of our mutual submission—he's more fully human as he reflects Christ's self-giving love.

The Fruit Speaks for Itself

After years of living this way, I can tell you the fruit speaks for itself:

• Better Decisions: When both of our perspectives matter, we make wiser choices

• Deeper Trust: Neither of us feels trapped or controlled

• Greater Respect: We honor each other's contributions and wisdom

• Stronger Partnership: We face life as a team, not as ruler and subject

• More Resilience: Our marriage can handle challenges because both of us are fully engaged

Practical Questions Answered

"What if you disagree?" We work toward consensus. If we can't agree on something important, we wait and pray rather than having one person override the other.

"What about emergency decisions?" In crisis situations, whoever has the most relevant expertise or is physically present makes the call. But we talk through it afterward and learn from the experience together.

"Doesn't someone need to be the 'tie-breaker'?" In healthy relationships built on mutual submission, you rarely need tie-breakers because you're both committed to finding solutions that honor both perspectives. When we can't agree, it usually means we're both missing something and need to seek God's wisdom together.

"What if one person is more naturally dominant?" Natural temperament differences are fine! But in God's Kingdom, those differences are meant to complement each other, not create hierarchy. A naturally strong leader can learn to yield; a naturally gentle person can learn to step up when needed.

The Revolution That's Already Happening

What excites me is that this revolution is already happening. All over the world, couples are discovering the beauty and power of mutual submission. They're rejecting the false choice between patriarchy and matriarchy and embracing something better: Kingdom partnership.

These marriages aren't weaker—they're stronger. These men aren't emasculated—they're empowered to love like Christ. These women aren't rebellious—they're freed to contribute their full gifts and wisdom.

The Witness to the World

Perhaps most importantly, marriages built on mutual submission provide a powerful witness to a world that's increasingly aware of power dynamics and abuse. When people see couples genuinely honoring and serving each other, when they see marriages where both partners flourish, it points them toward the heart of God.

But when the world sees us insisting on hierarchical structures that look suspiciously like the dominance patterns they're trying to escape, it damages our witness and makes the Gospel seem irrelevant or even harmful.

An Invitation to Something Better

If you're in a traditional marriage and feeling the limitations of hierarchical patterns, I want you to know that another way is possible. If you're single and wondering what a Kingdom-centered relationship might look like, I want you to know that God's design is more beautiful and liberating than many have been taught.

The journey toward mutual submission may not be easy if you've been steeped in hierarchical thinking. It requires both partners to:

• Release the need to control

• Trust in God's design for partnership

• Value the other's perspective and wisdom

• Operate from love rather than fear

• Embrace servant leadership rather than dominance

But it's worth every step. As Gregory and I have discovered, relationships built on mutual honor and service don't just reflect a better marriage model—they reflect the very heart of God expressed through Christ.

The Truth That Sets Us Free

The truth is that "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV) isn't just a nice idea—it's the foundation of how God designed relationships to work. When we build our marriages on this foundation instead of on hierarchical authority, we don't get chaos. We get something beautiful: relationships that release God's Kingdom into the world.

This isn't about weakening marriage—it's about strengthening it by aligning it with God's original design. This isn't about diminishing men—it's about empowering them to love like Christ. This isn't about controlling women—it's about freeing them to contribute their full gifts and wisdom.

Welcome to the revolution that's not really a revolution at all—it's a return to God's original design, where mutual submission reigns and where every relationship reflects the very heart of God.

The world is watching. Our marriages can either reinforce the broken power structures they're trying to escape, or they can demonstrate something so beautiful, so life-giving, so obviously from God that people stop and say, "I want what they have."

Which will it be?

Blessings,
Susan 😊