Submit to One Another: The Command We Keep Skipping
Here's a question that stops people in their tracks: "Show me a verse that says husbands have to submit to their wives."
The person asking this thinks they've found the fatal flaw in egalitarian teaching. After all, Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives, submit to your husbands" (NIV). But where does it say the reverse?
The answer might surprise you: It's in the same sentence.
The Word That Isn't There
In the original Greek of Ephesians 5:22, there is no verb. None. The verse literally reads: "Wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord."
Wait—where's the "submit"?
It's borrowed from verse 21, the verse that comes immediately before: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV).
Grammatically, verse 22 is completely dependent on verse 21. Paul deliberately structured it this way to show that wives' submission exists within the context of mutual submission—everyone submitting to everyone.
Biblical scholar Dr. Cynthia Long Westfall explains it this way: "The instruction to wives in verse 22 is dependent on the mutual submission command in verse 21. Paul deliberately connects these concepts to show that the wife's submission exists within the framework of mutual submission."
In other words, yes, there absolutely is a verse that tells husbands to submit to their wives. It's verse 21. And wives are included in the "one another" of that verse.
The Brilliant Parallel
Here's another way to see the problem with selective reading:
Paul tells husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25, NKJV). So using the same logic as "show me where husbands submit," someone could ask: "Show me where it says wives have to love their husbands."
Go ahead. Find it. The Bible doesn't explicitly command wives to love their husbands in this passage.
Are we really going to argue that wives don't need to love their husbands because Paul didn't specifically state it? Of course not! We understand that love is mutual. It goes both ways. It's implied even when it's not explicitly stated to both parties.
So why don't we extend the same understanding to submission?
What Paul Actually Commands
Let's look at what Paul actually commands each party:
To everyone (including husbands and wives): "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV)
To wives: The verse references the submission already commanded to everyone, applying it specifically to the marriage relationship
To husbands: "Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25, NIV)
Notice what Paul does not do: He never tells husbands to make their wives submit. He never gives husbands authority to enforce submission. He never establishes a hierarchy where the husband rules and the wife obeys.
Instead, he places marriage within the framework of mutual submission and then calls husbands to sacrificial love—the kind of love that gives itself up completely.
The Cultural Revolution
We have to understand what Paul was doing in his cultural context. In the Roman and Jewish world, male authority over women was absolute. Husbands had legal rights over their wives that we would call abuse today.
So when Paul wrote these words, he wasn't reinforcing patriarchy—he was transforming it.
To wives who had no choice but to submit under Roman and Jewish law, Paul says: "Submit as unto Christ." He's elevating submission from mere legal obligation to spiritual practice, giving them agency and dignity in their obedience.
To husbands who had complete authority over their wives, Paul says nothing about exercising that authority. Instead, he radically commands them to love sacrificially—to give themselves up, to nourish and cherish, to treat their wives like their own bodies.
This was revolutionary. Paul was placing patriarchal marriage within the Kingdom framework of mutual submission, planting seeds that would eventually undermine the entire hierarchical system.
The Mutual Submission Framework
So what does mutual submission actually look like?
It means:
Both spouses listening to each other's wisdom
Both seeking God's guidance together through prayer
Both deferring to the other's expertise in different areas
Both working toward consensus rather than one overruling the other
Both submitting their own desires for the good of the relationship
When disagreements arise, the question isn't "Who has the final say?" but "How can we find God's wisdom together?"
This might mean waiting for clarity rather than forcing a decision. It might mean one person yielding their preference because they trust the other's insight in that area. It might mean both people adjusting their positions until they reach genuine agreement.
But Isn't That a Contradiction?
"But mutual submission is a contradiction! If everyone submits, who leads?"
This objection reveals how deeply we've been influenced by worldly power structures. We can't imagine decision-making outside a hierarchy where someone must have final authority.
But look at the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit submit to one another in a beautiful dance of mutual honor and deference. There's no power struggle, no "final authority" needed to break ties. Yet somehow, the Godhead functions perfectly.
That's the model Paul points us to. Not hierarchy, but the mutual submission of love.
Taking the Full Counsel
Those who claim husbands don't need to submit are picking and choosing which verses to apply literally and which to interpret.
They'll say: "Wives submit—that's literal and universal." But then: "Husbands love—well, that implies mutual respect, mutual honor..."
Wait. If "husbands love" can be interpreted to include broader mutual principles, why can't "wives submit" be interpreted the same way—as part of the mutual submission already commanded to all believers?
The truth is, we can't have it both ways. Either we take the full counsel of Scripture—including verse 21's command for mutual submission—or we admit we're selectively applying verses to support a predetermined hierarchy.
What About Order?
"But doesn't there need to be order? Don't families need structure?"
Yes! But order doesn't require hierarchy. Structure doesn't require someone always being in charge.
Order in God's Kingdom comes from love, not from chains of command. It comes from each person honoring the other, each person considering the other better than themselves (Philippians 2:3, NKJV).
In healthy marriages, leadership is fluid. Sometimes one spouse leads in an area of their strength. Sometimes the other does. Sometimes they share leadership equally. The point isn't who's in charge—it's that both are fully engaged, fully contributing, fully honored.
That's not chaos. That's the body of Christ functioning as it was designed.
The Verse We've Been Skipping
For centuries, the church has focused on verse 22—wives submit—while skipping right over verse 21—submit to one another.
We've treated verse 21 as a nice introduction, a general principle that doesn't really apply to marriage. Then we get to verse 22 and suddenly it's all about wifely submission to male authority.
But that's not what the text says. Verse 21 isn't the introduction—it's the foundation. It's the thesis statement. Everything that follows about marriage, children, and masters/servants is an application of that one central principle: mutual submission.
When we skip verse 21, we miss the whole point.
An Invitation to Read Again
If you've been taught that Ephesians 5 establishes male headship and wifely submission, I invite you to read it again. This time, start with verse 21. Let that verse set the framework for everything that follows.
Notice that verse 22 borrows its verb from verse 21. Notice that Paul never tells husbands to enforce submission or claim authority. Notice that he places the entire discussion within the context of "one another"—mutual, reciprocal relationship.
And ask yourself: What if we've been reading this passage through a lens of hierarchy that Paul never intended? What if the verse we've been skipping—submit to one another—is actually the key to understanding everything else?
The command to mutual submission hasn't been hidden. It's been right there in verse 21 all along. We've just been trained to skip over it on our way to verse 22.
Maybe it's time we stop skipping. Maybe it's time we let mutual submission be the foundation it was always meant to be.
How has Ephesians 5:21 shape your understanding of marriage? Or have you, like many of us, been taught to skip right to verse 22? Share your insights in the comments.
Blessings,
Susan 😊