Teaching Our Daughters to Say No

Most women who experience sexual abuse were taught to be nice, not to be strong. We train little boys to be bold and assertive, and we train little girls to be compliant and sweet. Then we wonder why women struggle to set healthy boundaries as adults.

The problem starts in nurseries and playgrounds, and it has everything to do with how we misunderstand submission.

My friend Dinah Rowland said something on the podcast that stopped me in my tracks: "I told my kids, I want to cult-proof you. You don't just buy anything and everything. You seek to understand why you believe what you believe."

That's what this is about. We need to raise daughters—and sons—who know how to think critically, set boundaries, and say no when necessary. And we can't do that if we're teaching them that submission means unquestioning obedience.

The Cultural Training Begins Early

Even in nurseries today, we see the difference in how baby boys and baby girls are treated. Boys are encouraged to be adventurous. Girls are redirected toward being nice. Boys' assertiveness is praised as confidence. Girls' assertiveness is corrected as bossiness.

We don't even realize we're doing it most of the time. But the message gets through loud and clear: Boys should be strong. Girls should be sweet.

Boys are taught to take up space. Girls are taught to make room for others. Boys are encouraged to speak up. Girls are taught to listen nicely. Boys are told they're leaders. Girls are told they're helpers.

And all of this sets the stage for what comes later.

When we raise girls without teaching them how to have a voice—how to say no respectfully, how to express their needs, how to set boundaries—we're setting them up for a lifetime of being used, manipulated, and abused.

Children Obey, Adults Have Agency

Here's something important to understand: the Bible makes a distinction between children and adults when it comes to submission.

In Ephesians 5, Paul talks about mutual submission between believers. He talks about wives and husbands submitting to each other through love. But when he gets to children, he uses a different word: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" (Ephesians 6:1, NIV).

Notice: obey. Not submit. Obey.

There's a reason for that. Children need to learn obedience while they're under their parents' care and protection. They don't have the capacity yet for full agency and discernment. They need structure, guidance, and yes, obedience.

But adults don't obey each other. Adults need agency—the ability to make their own choices, to use their own discernment, to exercise their own will.

When we try to apply childhood obedience to adult relationships—when we tell wives they must obey their husbands or congregants must obey their pastors—we're treating adults like children. We're stripping them of the agency God gave them.

And that's dangerous.

The Shepherding Movement's Mistake

Back in the 1970s, there was a movement called the Shepherding Movement. The idea was that every believer should have a "shepherd"—someone they submitted to for spiritual oversight. Sounds reasonable, right?

Except it became toxic fast. People wouldn't buy a car without asking their shepherd's permission. They wouldn't change jobs, move cities, or make major decisions without getting approval. They were, in essence, obeying another adult as if that adult were their parent and they were still children.

That's not God's design. That's spiritual abuse.

Anytime you demand obedience from another adult—whether you're a husband, a pastor, or a spiritual leader—you're operating in the wrong kingdom. You're using power to control rather than to serve. And power used to control always corrupts.

What Healthy Training Looks Like

So if we're not supposed to teach blind obedience, what should we teach?

We need to teach our children—especially our daughters—how to have a voice while being respectful. How to negotiate with the world around them. How to express their needs without becoming selfish or walled off.

Here's what that might look like in practice:

Your child says, "I don't want to clean my room right now."

Instead of demanding immediate compliance, you could teach them to say something like: "Mom, I appreciate that you want me to clean my room. But at the moment, I really need to finish my homework because I'm afraid I'll be too tired later. Would it be okay if I do my homework now and clean my room after dinner?"

That's not rebellion. That's negotiation. That's learning to have a voice. That's practicing agency.

Sometimes the answer will be, "No, you need to clean your room now." And that's okay. The child still has to do what you say because you're the parent and they're the child. But you're teaching them the skill they'll need as adults: how to express their needs, how to advocate for themselves, how to say no respectfully.

Teaching Girls to Say No

Here's a truth that's hard to swallow: many women end up in sexually abusive situations because they were never taught it was okay to say no.

Think about it. We teach little girls to hug relatives even when they don't want to. "Give Grandma a hug! Don't be rude!" We teach them their bodies aren't their own, that other people's comfort matters more than their own boundaries.

We teach them to be nice, not to make waves, not to hurt people's feelings. And then we're shocked when they can't say no to unwanted sexual advances as teenagers or adults.

If you want to protect your daughter from sexual abuse, teach her from the earliest age that she has the right to say no—even to adults, even to family members, even in situations where it might be awkward or uncomfortable.

Teach her that her body belongs to her. Teach her that "no" is a complete sentence. Teach her that protecting herself is not the same thing as being rude.

And for heaven's sake, don't teach her that submission means she never gets to have a voice.

The Connection to Marriage

All of this connects directly to how we teach submission in marriage.

If a woman grows up learning that saying no is rebellion, that expressing her needs is selfish, that setting boundaries is un-Christian—what do you think happens when she gets married?

If she's been taught that her role is to submit and obey, that her husband is the head and gets to make final decisions, that questioning his choices is disrespecting his authority—do you see how that sets her up for abuse?

And I want to be clear: I'm not saying every complementarian marriage is abusive. There are many kind, godly men who believe in male headship and would never dream of abusing their wives.

But the teaching itself creates an environment where abuse can flourish unchecked. When a woman has been taught she has no right to say no, no right to set boundaries, no right to disagree—what happens when her husband becomes demanding, controlling, or abusive?

She's been taught that submitting more is the solution. She's been stripped of the very tools she needs to protect herself.

We Need Both Strength and Submission

Here's what I want you to understand: true biblical submission doesn't require us to be weak. It doesn't require us to give up our voice, our agency, or our ability to say no.

In fact, you can't truly submit without agency. Submission that's forced isn't submission—it's oppression. Real submission is a free choice made by someone who has the power to choose otherwise.

When we teach our daughters to be strong, to have a voice, to set boundaries—we're not teaching them to be rebellious. We're teaching them to be healthy adults who can enter into genuine relationships of mutual love and mutual submission.

We're cult-proofing them, to use Dinah's phrase. We're teaching them to think critically, to question what they're told, to seek truth rather than blindly accepting whatever authority figures say.

And that's exactly what we should be doing.

Practical Steps

So what does this look like practically? Here are some ways to teach agency while maintaining appropriate parental authority:

Teach respectful disagreement. Let your children practice saying, "I understand what you're asking, but I'd like to share my perspective." Hear them out. Sometimes you'll still say no, but they're learning the skill of advocating for themselves.

Give choices whenever possible. "You need to do your chores. Would you rather do them now or after lunch?" This teaches that they have some control over their life while still respecting parental authority.

Respect their bodily autonomy. Don't force hugs or kisses. Teach them that their body is their own and they get to decide who touches them.

Encourage questions. When they ask "Why?" don't see it as disrespect. See it as curiosity and critical thinking. Explain your reasoning when you can.

Model healthy boundaries. Let them see you saying no to things, even to family members or people in authority. Show them what healthy boundaries look like in action.

Talk about consent. From an early age, teach them that no one should touch them in ways that make them uncomfortable, and that they shouldn't touch others without permission.

The Goal: Healthy Adults

The goal isn't to raise children who blindly obey every authority figure they encounter. That's how people end up in cults, in abusive relationships, in situations where they're exploited and harmed.

The goal is to raise healthy adults who can think for themselves, who know how to set boundaries, who understand that true submission is a free choice made from a place of strength.

We want daughters who grow up to be women who can say, "I choose to honor my husband, and I also choose to honor myself. I can be respectful without being a doormat. I can be loving without being controlled."

And we want sons who grow up to be men who can say, "I choose to honor my wife as an equal partner. I use my strength to protect and empower, not to dominate and control. I want a wife who can think for herself and speak her mind."

That's the Kingdom way. That's what God's design looks like. That's how we create the next generation of healthy, whole people who can enter into genuinely mutual relationships.

It Starts Now

If you're a parent, it starts now. Don't wait until your daughter is a teenager to teach her to say no. Don't wait until your son is an adult to teach him that true strength includes gentleness and service.

Start in the nursery. Start on the playground. Start at the dinner table.

Teach your children that they have a voice. Teach them to use it respectfully. Teach them that being nice doesn't mean being silent. Teach them that honoring authority doesn't mean giving up their agency.

And for those of us who weren't taught these things growing up—it's not too late. We can learn now. We can practice now. We can recover the voice that was stolen from us and learn to use it well.

Because that's what the Kingdom is about: freedom. Agency. The power to choose love rather than being forced into compliance.

And that's what we want for our daughters—and for ourselves.

Blessings,
Susan 😊