What Does a Healthy Marriage Actually Look Like?

When my friend Dinah said on the podcast, "We're pro-marriage, pro-healthy marriage," I realized something important: people think we're tearing down marriage when we challenge hierarchy. But we're not anti-marriage. We're anti anything that makes marriage less than what God designed it to be.

So let me be crystal clear: I am passionately pro-marriage. Gregory and I have built a beautiful life together over fourteen years, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But our marriage works because we've embraced mutual submission, not because one of us is the boss and the other obeys.

Today, I want to share what a truly Kingdom-centered marriage actually looks like in practice. Not theory. Not Sunday school answers. Real life.

Decision-Making as a Dance, Not a Dictatorship

In our marriage, decisions aren't about who has the "final say." They're about seeking wisdom together through prayer, conversation, and paying attention to each other's gifts and insights.

When Gregory and I were considering a major decision—I'm thinking of when we were contemplating a big move—we didn't approach it as "Gregory's decision" or "Susan's decision." We prayed together. We discussed our priorities. We remained open to God's guidance through each other. Sometimes I had stronger insights. Other times, Gregory saw things I missed.

Here's what we've learned: when we can't agree on big things, it probably means we're both missing something. So we don't force a decision. We wait. We pray more. We seek additional counsel if needed. We move forward only when both of us have peace.

"But doesn't that take forever?" people ask. Actually, no. Most of the time, we reach consensus fairly quickly when we're both truly listening to each other and to God. And when we can't, the waiting period usually reveals wisdom we would have missed if we'd just had one person make the call.

The "I'm the head of this house, and what I say goes!" approach might seem like a shortcut, but it's really not. Not when it leads to huge mistakes, broken trust, and resentment. Not when it means one person's wisdom is consistently ignored.

Our mutual decision-making produces choices that we both fully own and support. If we're right, we're right together. If we're wrong, we're wrong together. We never fall into blaming and shaming. We're rooted in unified wisdom rather than unilateral authority.

Flexible Roles Based on Gifts, Not Gender

Traditional gender roles would assign Gregory certain responsibilities and me others—simply because of our chromosomes. But in our marriage, we divide responsibilities based on gifts, passions, practical considerations, and what makes sense for this season of life.

Now, we're from an older generation—Gregory is 68 and I'm 60. So many of our daily activities might look like traditional roles on the surface. I do most of the cooking. Gregory takes care of the vehicles and handles the "nasty stuff" (like the mouse in the garage last week!).

But here's the difference between our daily activities and the traditional complementarian mindset: I don't feel like I have to cook. There are many days I don't, especially when I'm busy at work or simply tired. Gregory is perfectly capable of fixing us food. And I would have taken care of that mouse if he wasn't going to be home soon.

It's a "get to," not a "have to."

We both always pitch in. We're both all-in with doing life together. It's not "your job" versus "my job." It's lending our strengths to our union, to our life together.

All-In Partnership in Parenting

We're currently raising our granddaughter. We had her from age 1 to 8, and now again at age 14 for the past year. And let me tell you, Gregory didn't just step up when parenting got easier.

Nope.

He was just as involved in the bottle-feeding and diaper-changing phases as he is now with a teenager navigating high school and hormones. It's always been partnership with him. Always.

When she needs help with homework, Gregory helps. When she needs to talk about friend drama, I'm there—but so is he. When she needs discipline or guidance or just someone to listen, we both show up.

That's what mutual submission looks like in parenting. Both of us contributing our strengths. Both of us involved. Both of us responsible.

Supporting Each Other's Callings

Perhaps nothing reveals the reality of mutual submission more than how we approach each other's callings and ministries.

Gregory spent years serving the poor through a food bank and pantry ministry. He poured his life into feeding those in need. And I supported that calling completely, knowing it reflected Christ's heart, even though it meant he didn't make much money. It was a sacrifice of love. That's where his heart was, and I wouldn't have wanted him to do anything else. I could make money while he fulfilled a much higher calling.

My financial success doesn't hurt his pride one bit. You know why? Because he's actually proud of me. We are one. His success is my success, and vice versa.

Meanwhile, I've built Dewbrew Realty, Inc., a successful Kingdom-centered real estate brokerage serving the Dallas-Fort Worth area. I don't just help buyers and sellers with transactions—I'm helping people with the largest investment they'll ever make. It's about home. It's about quality of life. And I train other agents who work with me to live out Kingdom business principles.

In a hierarchical marriage, these dual callings might create tension or competition. Whose career takes priority? Whose ministry matters more? But in our marriage, they create beautiful synergy.

Together, we're building Kingdom Brewing Resources and Kingdom Brewing Ministries. The heart of both is to train, equip, and bring healing to everyone, with a special emphasis on Christians who are ready to think differently. Once the Church becomes whole, it can help transform our communities and our culture.

We produce books, online courses, devotionals, and other materials that are rooted in Scripture, delivered in love, and aren't afraid to challenge the status quo when it violates Kingdom principles. We both minister to hurting people. We both speak, teach, and write.

And here's what amazes me: Gregory supports my writing that challenges male authority—even though as a male minister, he could easily feel threatened by it. But he doesn't. He's always lifting me up, encouraging me to be and do all that God has put in my heart.

That's what Kingdom manhood looks like.

Navigating Disagreements

Every couple disagrees sometimes. We're human. We have different perspectives, different experiences, different ways of processing information. The question isn't whether conflicts will arise, but how we handle them when they do.

In our marriage, disagreements aren't power struggles to determine who "wins." They're opportunities to understand each other better and find wisdom together.

I'll be honest—I sometimes need time to let my emotions cool down and seek the Lord. Gregory adjusts much quicker than I do, which motivates me to do better. But he never uses his quicker recovery time to pressure me or make me feel like I'm the problem. He gives me space to process.

Ultimately, our heart is to submit to each other and to God. If we find ourselves at an impasse on important matters, we don't resort to "the husband decides." We wait. We pray. We trust that God will guide us to consensus.

This approach initially required patience and humility from both of us. I had to resist the temptation to manipulate. Gregory had to resist the cultural programming that says he could raise his voice or use his powerful physical presence to intimidate me. He never tried to assert control or use the "I'm the man" card.

Now, after fourteen years of marriage, it's as natural as breathing. The fruit was worth the effort it took to build unity. We honestly do reach solutions that honor both of us and, most importantly, honor God.

The Daily Rhythm of Serving

Perhaps what makes me most grateful is the absence of any sense of entitlement in Gregory. He doesn't expect to be served because he's the man. He approaches our relationship with the mindset of Jesus, who came "not to be served, but to serve" (Matthew 20:28, NIV).

And I'm not kidding—most of the time, it's like living with Jesus with skin on.

Gregory begins every morning with quiet time with the Lord, crafting a short daily devotional called "The Daily Vitamin." For over fifteen years, he has faithfully shared these spiritual insights, touching countless lives with wisdom and encouragement. (He posts them for free on KingdomBrewing.com if you want to check them out.)

One of my favorite moments each day is when Gregory wraps his arms around me and shares what the Lord revealed during his morning quiet time. This simple practice reflects genuine spiritual leadership—not leadership of control, but loving initiative that draws others closer to Christ.

The way Gregory lives his life makes me want to bless others who could never do anything in return. He is a true servant, and that's what others want to follow. That's what makes me proud to be his wife.

The Freedom of Mutual Submission

Here's the beautiful irony: mutual submission creates more freedom, not less. When both partners are committed to lifting each other up rather than seeking their own way, the relationship becomes spacious rather than confining. Each person has room to flourish because each is focused on the other's wellbeing.

Let me tell you about Gregory's strength. He's six feet tall with shoulders that seem nearly as wide. He was raised in a rough area and wouldn't be afraid to fight to defend those weaker than him—which includes me.

That power has never once been used to intimidate me to get his own way. Never even an insinuation of force. Not physically. Not financially. Not emotionally. Not once. Ever.

This safety creates room for authentic vulnerability and intimacy. When I know Gregory will never use his greater physical strength or societal privilege against me, I can open my heart fully to him without fear. And when Gregory knows I respect and honor him not out of obligation but out of genuine appreciation for his character, he can be authentic rather than maintaining a facade of "male leadership."

God created masculinity, and when it's authentic, it is incredibly powerful—and there's nothing toxic about it. My Gregory is living proof.

The Reciprocal Nature of Love

One of the most beautiful aspects of mutual submission is how it creates a virtuous cycle. Gregory's self-giving love makes me want to love him more deeply in return.

That creates in me a desire to do the same. His love helps me to love better. I am a better person and better wife for having Gregory love me like he does. His affection fills my love tank physically and emotionally.

This is exactly what Paul described in Ephesians 5:21-33. The husband's Christ-like love inspires the wife's respect and submission. The wife's respect and submission inspire the husband's deeper love. It's not a hierarchy but a dance of mutual honor that elevates both partners.

An Invitation to a Different Way

I share these glimpses into our marriage not to suggest we've figured it all out or that our relationship is perfect. We haven't, and it isn't. But I hope our journey offers evidence that mutual submission isn't just a nice theological idea—it's a practical, livable reality that creates flourishing relationships.

If you're in a traditional marriage and feeling the limitations of hierarchical patterns, know that another way is possible. If you're single and wondering what a Kingdom-centered relationship might look like, know that God's design is more beautiful and liberating than many have been taught.

The journey toward mutual submission may not be easy if you've been steeped in hierarchical thinking. But it's worth every step. As Gregory and I have discovered, relationships built on mutual honor and service reflect not just a better marriage model—they reflect the very heart of God expressed through Christ.

This is the truth that has been hiding in plain sight all along: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV) isn't just the introduction to Paul's marriage teaching—it's the foundation of everything that follows.

It is possible. It's the heart of the Gospel of God's Kingdom that Jesus taught and lived. It is the way!

Join the renaissance. Let's help transform the kingdoms of this world into the Kingdom of our King.

Blessings,
Susan 😊