The 13 Patterns of Abuse: A Mother's Hard-Won Wisdom
My son was in second grade when I knew something was terribly wrong. He wasn't just sad or acting out—he was exhibiting genuine mental health issues. Suicidal thoughts. Not just "I wish I wasn't alive," but actual plans. In second grade.
I threw myself into getting him help. Counselors, psychiatrists, trying medication, trying everything I could think of to help my baby. I was determined to be the best parent I could possibly be, to do whatever it took to help him heal.
But it wasn't until that psychologist looked me in the eye in a dark parking lot and asked, "You know your son's being abused, don't you?" that I began to understand what we were really dealing with.
I knew home wasn't good. I knew it wasn't healthy. But I didn't have the language or the understanding to recognize what was actually happening to us.
The Education That Changed Everything
For years, I thought there was physical abuse and emotional abuse, and that was about it. I had no idea there were 13 distinct patterns of abuse that experts have identified. If I had known these patterns, if I had been educated about what to look for, I could have protected my children so much sooner.
My lack of awareness cost my family dearly. That level of knowledge would have empowered me to make better decisions years earlier. It would have helped me see through the manipulation and recognize the systematic nature of what we were experiencing.
I was very much in the mindset of "I just want to keep my family whole." What I didn't realize was that we were already broken. My children were already living in an abusive home—I just didn't identify it as abuse at first.
Why These Patterns Matter
Abusers don't just randomly lash out or lose control. They follow predictable patterns that serve specific purposes: to maintain power and control over their victims. Understanding these patterns is crucial because:
It validates your reality. When you can name what's happening to you, it becomes harder for the abuser to convince you that you're overreacting or imagining things.
It helps you predict behavior. Once you understand the patterns, you can often anticipate what's coming next and prepare accordingly.
It reveals the systematic nature. This isn't about someone having a bad day or being under stress—it's about deliberate tactics designed to maintain control.
It empowers you to respond differently. When you understand the game being played, you can stop playing by their rules.
The Patterns That Hide in Plain Sight
While I won't detail all 13 patterns here (there are excellent resources available from domestic violence organizations), I want to highlight some of the most common ones that are often overlooked:
Gaslighting - Making you question your own memory, perceptions, and sanity. "That didn't happen." "You're being too sensitive." "You're remembering it wrong."
Isolation - Gradually cutting you off from friends, family, and support systems. Making it difficult for you to have relationships outside of them.
Financial control - Controlling access to money, preventing you from working, or sabotaging your employment. Creating financial dependence.
Emotional manipulation - Using guilt, shame, or your love for them against you. "If you really loved me, you would..." "I can't live without you."
Intermittent reinforcement - Unpredictable cycles of kindness and cruelty that create trauma bonds. Just when you're ready to leave, they become sweet and loving again.
Minimizing and denying - Downplaying the abuse or claiming it never happened. "I barely touched you." "You're making a big deal out of nothing."
The Erosion of Reality
What makes these patterns so devastating is how they work together to systematically break down your ability to trust yourself. Abuse isn't just about the dramatic moments—it's about the daily erosion of your sense of reality.
You start second-guessing everything. Did that really happen the way I remember? Am I being too sensitive? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe if I just try harder, if I'm a better wife, a better mother, if I can figure out how not to trigger their anger...
But here's what I learned the hard way: you can't love someone out of being abusive. You can't submit your way out of an abusive relationship. You can't fix this by being better.
The Cost of Not Knowing
My lack of education about abuse patterns cost my family years of unnecessary suffering. I spent two decades trying to make a broken system work, believing that if I just found the right approach, I could transform our situation.
I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to manage everyone's emotions, attempting to keep the peace. My children were watching and learning that this was what relationships looked like. They were developing their own coping mechanisms for living with volatility and fear.
The ripple effects of abuse extend far beyond the primary victim. Children in abusive homes often struggle with anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life. They may become hypervigilant, always scanning for signs of danger, or they may normalize unhealthy dynamics because it's all they've ever known.
Breaking the Cycle Through Education
Education about abuse patterns isn't just academic knowledge—it's survival information. When you can recognize these tactics, you can:
Trust your instincts again. If something feels wrong, it probably is, regardless of how the other person explains it away.
Stop accepting responsibility for their behavior. You didn't cause their abuse, and you can't cure it by changing your own behavior.
Recognize the futility of trying to reason with someone using these tactics. They're not operating in good faith, so good-faith efforts to communicate won't work.
Understand why you feel so confused and exhausted. It's not weakness on your part—it's the natural result of being systematically manipulated.
The Difference Between Conflict and Abuse
One of the most important distinctions to understand is the difference between normal relationship conflict and abuse patterns:
Healthy conflict:
Both people can express their perspectives
There's genuine listening and attempts to understand
Solutions are sought that work for everyone
Respect remains intact even during disagreement
Both people take responsibility for their part
Abusive patterns:
One person dominates while the other walks on eggshells
Your perspective is dismissed, minimized, or turned against you
Solutions must always favor the abuser's preferences
Respect is contingent on your compliance
Responsibility is always shifted to you
Why Victims Stay
People often ask why victims don't "just leave" abusive relationships. Understanding the patterns helps answer this question:
Trauma bonds - The intermittent reinforcement creates powerful psychological bonds that are difficult to break.
Systematic isolation - By the time the abuse is clear, many victims have been cut off from their support systems.
Financial dependence - Economic control makes leaving practically difficult or impossible.
Fear of escalation - Many abusers threaten increased violence if their partner tries to leave.
Concern for children - The fear that leaving might make things worse for the children, or losing custody.
Religious or cultural pressure - Messages about marriage being permanent, forgiveness, or keeping the family together at all costs.
A Path Forward
If you're reading this and recognizing patterns in your own life, please know that understanding these dynamics is the first step toward freedom. Knowledge is power, especially when you've been systematically disempowered.
Here are some immediate steps you can take:
Document everything. Keep a private record of incidents, including dates and details. This helps counteract gaslighting and provides evidence if needed later.
Reach out carefully. Begin rebuilding your support network, but be cautious about who you trust with information that could get back to your abuser.
Develop a safety plan. This might include having emergency contacts, keeping important documents accessible, and having a safe place to go if needed.
Seek professional help. Find a counselor who specializes in domestic abuse and trauma. Many offer sliding scale fees or can refer you to free resources.
Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is, regardless of how it's being explained to you.
For Those Who Want to Help
If someone in your life is experiencing abuse, the most important thing you can do is educate yourself about these patterns. Well-meaning friends and family often give advice that can actually make things worse:
Don't say: "Why don't you just leave?" Instead say: "I'm here to support you whatever you decide."
Don't say: "He seems so nice when I'm around." Instead say: "I believe you, and I'm concerned for your safety."
Don't say: "Marriage is hard work. All couples have problems." Instead say: "This sounds really difficult. No one deserves to be treated this way."
The Hope Beyond the Patterns
Understanding abuse patterns isn't meant to create fear or suspicion in all relationships. It's meant to help you recognize when something that looks like love is actually control, when something that feels like intimacy is actually manipulation.
Healthy relationships do exist. Mutual respect, genuine love, and true partnership are possible. But first, we need to be able to recognize and name the counterfeits.
My journey from that dark parking lot moment to freedom took time, courage, and support. But it was possible. If you're in an abusive situation, please know that while the path isn't easy, it is there.
You deserve relationships built on respect rather than fear, on genuine love rather than control, on mutual honor rather than one-sided submission. God's Kingdom isn't characterized by domination and oppression—it's characterized by love, peace, and the freedom to flourish.
The patterns of abuse might be predictable, but so is the pattern of healing that follows when we finally have the courage to name what's happening and seek the help we need.
Blessings,
Susan 😊