Why Marriage Counseling Fails in Abusive Relationships
It was dark when I walked out of the psychologist's office that night. My son had just finished what would be his last appointment of the day, and she was walking us out to the parking lot. As we reached my car, she stopped and looked directly at me.
"You know your son's being abused, don't you?"
The words hit me like a physical blow. I knew home wasn't good. I knew it wasn't healthy. But I had been playing this role of always trying to make everything be okay, working so hard to keep my family whole that I couldn't see what was really happening.
That moment changed everything—not just my understanding of our situation, but my entire perspective on what kind of help we actually needed.
The Counseling Trap I Almost Fell Into
Like many women in troubled marriages, my first instinct was to suggest marriage counseling. After all, isn't that what good wives do? Work on the marriage? Try to fix things together?
But here's what I've learned through painful experience: if you're in an abusive relationship, don't go to marriage counseling.
This isn't about being unwilling to work on your relationship. It's about understanding the fundamental difference between relationship problems and abuse patterns.
Marriage counseling assumes both parties are operating in good faith, willing to examine their own behavior, and committed to change. But abusers don't fit this model. They have an uncanny ability to manipulate even trained professionals, turning counseling sessions into another venue for their control tactics.
I've watched it happen over and over. The abuser sits in that counselor's office and somehow, by the end of the session, you find yourself feeling sorry for them. You start questioning whether you're the problem after all. Maybe you were nagging. Maybe you made their life too hard. Maybe they were just responding to your behavior.
This is exactly what they want. Abusers are master manipulators who can make themselves appear to be the real victim in almost any situation.
What Abuse Actually Needs
Instead of joint counseling, here's what actually helps in abusive situations:
Individual counseling for the victim. You need to get strong enough to figure out what the right moves are for you. You need to understand the patterns you're seeing and trust your own perceptions again. Abuse systematically breaks down your ability to trust yourself, and you need professional help to rebuild that foundation.
Individual counseling for the abuser. Let them go work on their own issues. Real change in abusive behavior requires deep personal work that can't happen in the context of continuing to blame and manipulate their victim.
Trauma-informed care. Regular marriage counselors often aren't equipped to recognize or properly address the complex dynamics of abuse. You need professionals who understand how trauma affects the brain and how power dynamics operate in relationships.
The Education I Wish I'd Had
It took me about two years from that moment in the parking lot to actually leave. Two years of storing away $20 at a time at my dad's house, just in case I had to run. Two years of trying everything I knew to try—getting him to come to counseling (which didn't fix anything), doing everything I could think of to make things better.
If I had been educated about the 13 patterns of abuse, if I had understood what I was really dealing with, my children would be so much better off today. The level of awareness that comes from understanding abuse patterns empowers you to make better decisions.
I didn't realize that what we were living with had a name. I didn't understand that certain behaviors follow predictable patterns. I thought maybe if I just tried harder, if I was a better wife, if I could figure out how to not trigger his volatile reactions...
But you can't love someone out of being abusive. You can't submit your way out of an abusive marriage. These aren't relationship problems—they're abuse patterns that require completely different responses.
Recognizing the Difference
How do you know if you're dealing with relationship problems or abuse? Here are some key distinctions:
Relationship problems involve two people willing to:
Take responsibility for their part
Listen to feedback without becoming defensive
Make genuine efforts to change harmful patterns
Respect boundaries when they're set
Work together toward mutual solutions
Abuse involves patterns where one person:
Refuses to take responsibility, always shifting blame
Becomes angry or punitive when confronted
Uses intimidation, whether physical, emotional, or financial
Violates boundaries repeatedly
Seeks to control rather than collaborate
If you're constantly walking on eggshells, if you find yourself changing your behavior to avoid their anger, if you feel like you're losing your sense of reality—these are signs of abuse, not relationship problems.
The Courage to Get Real Help
I understand the desire to save your marriage. I spent 20 years trying to keep my family whole, not realizing we were already broken. But here's what I've learned: you can't build a healthy relationship on an abusive foundation.
Real healing requires each person to do their own work. It requires the abuser to genuinely acknowledge their patterns and commit to deep personal change—not just promise to try harder or go to a few counseling sessions.
And here's the hard truth: most abusers don't change. The statistics are sobering. That doesn't mean it's impossible, but it does mean you can't base your life decisions on hoping they'll be the exception.
Moving Forward in Truth
If you're reading this and recognizing your own situation, please know that getting individual help isn't giving up on your marriage—it's finally dealing with reality. Getting strong enough to see clearly and make wise decisions isn't selfish—it's necessary.
Your children need at least one healthy parent. You deserve to live without fear. God's heart isn't for you to endure abuse in the name of keeping your family together—His heart is for you to experience the abundant life Christ came to give.
The truth is, sometimes the most loving thing you can do for an abusive person is to stop enabling their behavior by refusing to continue participating in the dysfunction. When there are real consequences for abuse, some people do choose to get the deep help they need.
But you can't wait around hoping for that day while you and your children pay the price.
A Word of Hope
Getting out of an abusive relationship isn't easy. The practical challenges are real—financial constraints, custody concerns, social pressures, and often threats from the abuser themselves.
But it is possible. There are organizations that can help. There are people who understand. And there is a God who sees your situation and wants to help you find a path to safety and healing.
The journey toward wholeness starts with education, understanding what you're really dealing with, and getting the right kind of help. It starts with believing that you and your children deserve better.
Marriage counseling has its place—but only when both people are operating in good faith and genuinely committed to change. When you're dealing with abuse, you need something entirely different.
You need safety, support, and professionals who understand the unique dynamics you're facing. You need to get strong enough to make decisions from a place of wisdom rather than fear.
That's not giving up on love. That's finally learning what love actually looks like—and what it definitely doesn't.
Blessings,
Susan 😊