The Language We Use Matters

Words shape reality. When my friend Dinah Rowland and I sat down to talk about submission and headship on the podcast recently, we discovered something fascinating: most people say they believe in "male headship," but when you ask what that actually looks like in their marriages, they're living something entirely different. They're using hierarchical language while practicing mutual submission.

Think about that for a moment. People will say, "Yes, the husband is the head of the family." But when you ask them to describe what that looks like in their day-to-day life, you find out that's not what's actually happening in their relationship. It's more of a mutual yielding to each other in a healthy way. They're saying the language because that's what they've been taught, but they're living something else in reality.

The Healthier Marriages Get It Right

Here's what struck me most about Dinah's observation: it's the healthier marriages who naturally do this. Christian or not, healthy marriages just naturally practice mutual submission. They may not even understand or realize what they're doing—they just know their relationship works when both partners honor and respect each other.

The Bible clearly says the husband is the head of the wife. I'm not denying that. But when people try to define what "head" means, they almost always default to "he's the boss." Then in the next breath, they'll admit, "Well, no, that's not really how we do things. We make decisions together."

So what are we really saying? And why does it matter?

Why Definitions Matter

It matters because misunderstanding these terms has real-world consequences. As Dinah shared from her experience counseling women, when people seek help for their struggling marriages through their church, the lens they're often given is: Are you submitting to your husband? The advice becomes: submit more.

But here's the devastating reality—this counsel actually creates a shield for abuse to continue. We're not good at acknowledging anything other than physical abuse. Emotional abuse? You can't see it. Spiritual abuse? It's invisible. Sexual abuse within marriage? No one wants to talk about it. But if the framework is that you're supposed to submit, you can imagine the harm that is done.

These women aren't empowered to set healthy boundaries. They're told the problem is their lack of submission. So they go down the road further, trying harder, carrying more of the burden, believing they're the ones who need to fix the problem. And it just prolongs the abuse.

I'm not creating a theology because of empathy for these women. I'm trying to find out what is the truth. And the truth is what sets people free.

Truth Versus Reality

When Jesus said, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32, NIV), He wasn't just talking about correct theology or right ideas. The word for "truth" in the New Testament is aletheia, which actually means reality. What is real? What is actually true?

When the enemy gets in and twists things—takes something that is true and just makes it off just a little—it's no longer real. It's farce. It's a perversion. It's the wrong version.

So let me get back to the definitions. Should a husband be the head of the wife? Yes. Should a wife submit to her husband? Yes. But what does "submit" mean? What does "head" mean?

What "Head" Actually Means

People have been taught that "head" means boss, authority figure, the one in charge. They'll say it means if there's a disagreement, he makes the final decision. "Somebody has to, right?"

Actually, that's not true.

Gregory and I don't make decisions that way at all. If you're feeling pressure that you have to make a decision right now and there's not agreement, that pressure is not coming from the Lord. You're being pressured into taking a stand, and that's a red flag.

There are times when one of us defers to the other. I know more about finances and contracts. He knows more about technology. If we have to make a decision and the other person really isn't the expert in that area, we'll usually yield to the one who is. But we never demand, "Well, I'm the one who's the expert in that area, so you have to do it my way." That's the wrong kingdom.

Anytime you want to manipulate or force or have power or control over anybody, you are operating in the wrong kingdom. And we demonstrate this all through our Unleashing the Kingdom series.

The Wrong Kingdom Wearing a Religious Mask

Jesus himself was constantly having to correct his disciples who wanted to know, "Who's the greatest? Who's the best? Who's going to sit on your right hand?" They were trying to fit into a power pyramid scheme—and that is the kingdoms of this world. That is not God's Kingdom that Jesus came to demonstrate. It's not the Kingdom He's trying to establish.

Anything that comes against that Kingdom is actually undermining the Kingdom of our Lord. This is why we have a world out there that doesn't look at all like heaven on earth. We're actually empowering the wrong kingdom, and the enemy gets us to believe it's God's will by taking a few scriptures and twisting them out of context. We fight back believing we're standing on truth.

But if you believe "head" means boss and "submit" means obey, then you think the problems in someone's marriage—or the problems in the world and in culture—are because people are out of this order. You'll look at struggling marriages through the lens of: Is she submitting? Is he leading?

And that framework itself becomes the problem.

The Real Meaning Changes Everything

The Greek word for "head" is kephalē, which means origin or source. It doesn't mean authority or boss. When Paul says the husband is the head of the wife, he's saying the husband is the one who has to initiate—who has to be the origin of change. In that culture, the husband had all the power, all the rights, all the legal standing. The wife was essentially a domestic slave.

So Paul is telling the one with power: use it to serve. Use it to love. Use it to lay down your life. That was culturally radical.

The word for "submit" is hypotassō. Prior to Paul's day, it did carry connotations of military rank and order. But by Paul's day, in the common Greek that was actually spoken (Koine Greek), it meant yielding to, becoming like, becoming one with. They would even use hypotassō to describe how a hand-copied document had to "submit" to the original—it had to become like it, match it, be one with it.

When Paul says in Ephesians 5:21, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (NIV), he's using hypotassō. Then in verse 22, when he says, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands" (NIV), the word "submit" isn't even in the original Greek—it's borrowed from verse 21. Paul is saying wives should submit to their husbands in the same way everyone should submit to one another.

You can't militarily rank under each other. That's how we know Paul isn't using the old military definition. He's describing a mutual dance of honor and love.

The Practical Impact

This isn't just academic. This has real-world impact on real people's lives.

I've watched women stay in emotionally abusive marriages because they were told God requires them to submit. I've seen women who couldn't set healthy boundaries because they believed doing so was rebellion against God's order. I've counseled women who tried for years to "submit more," believing they were the problem, while their husbands' destructive behavior continued unchecked.

And I've watched these same women come alive when they understood the truth—that God's design is mutual honor, mutual love, mutual submission. Not a hierarchy where one person rules and the other obeys, but a partnership where both lay down their lives for each other.

Language matters. Definitions matter. Getting this right doesn't just change theology—it changes lives.

Moving Forward

So the next time someone says, "The husband is the head of the house and the wife needs to submit," ask them: What does that look like? What do those words actually mean? How does it work in practice?

You might be surprised to find that the healthiest marriages are already living out mutual submission—they've just been using the wrong vocabulary to describe it.

The question isn't whether we believe what Scripture says. The question is whether we understand what Scripture means. And that difference matters more than you might think.

Because it's the truth—the reality—that sets us free.

Blessings,
Susan 😊