What Your Church Should Do (But Often Doesn't)

When a woman in crisis walks into a church office, what happens next can literally save or endanger her life.

I've heard hundreds of stories by now. Women who went to their churches seeking help, seeking refuge, seeking wisdom—and what they got instead was shame, abandonment, or advice that put them in greater danger.

But I've also seen what happens when churches get it right. When they actually understand abuse. When they prioritize safety over optics. When they walk with hurting people instead of withdrawing from them.

The difference is night and day.

So let me tell you what healthy churches do—and what unhealthy churches need to start doing if they actually want to represent God's Kingdom.

First: Recognize That Abuse Comes in Many Forms

Here's where a lot of churches fail right out of the gate: they have an extremely narrow definition of abuse.

If a woman doesn't come in with visible bruises, if she's not being hit or physically threatened, many church leaders assume there's no abuse happening. They think, "Well, it's just a difficult marriage. She needs to submit more and pray harder."

That's dangerously wrong.

There are at least thirteen types of abuse that I can name off the top of my head, and physical violence is only one of them:

Financial abuse: Controlling all the money, refusing to let her have access to bank accounts, sabotaging her ability to work, creating financial dependence so she can't leave.

Emotional abuse: Gaslighting (making her feel crazy), constant criticism, belittling, humiliation, using her emotions against her.

Spiritual abuse: Twisting Scripture to control her, claiming God told him to make certain decisions, using "headship" as a weapon to demand obedience.

Sexual abuse: Forcing sex, coercing sex, refusing to respect boundaries, exposing her to STDs through infidelity.

Psychological abuse: Mind games, manipulating her perception of reality, isolating her from friends and family.

Verbal abuse: Name-calling, threats, yelling, constant put-downs.

Social abuse: Humiliating her in public, controlling who she can see or talk to, monitoring her communication.

Covert abuse: This is the hardest to spot because it's subtle. The abuser appears charming to others while privately tearing his wife down. He plays the victim. He makes her look like the problem.

Most of these types of abuse don't leave physical marks. But they destroy people from the inside out.

If your church only recognizes abuse when there are bruises, you're missing the vast majority of abuse victims who walk through your doors.

Second: Never Say "Just Submit More"

This should be obvious, but apparently it's not, so let me say it clearly: "Submit more" is never the answer when someone is being abused.

Never.

When a woman comes to you and tells you her husband is controlling her money, gaslighting her, manipulating her, being unfaithful—and your response is to ask whether she's been respecting him enough—you've just partnered with her abuser.

You've just told her that his sin is her fault. You've just put the entire burden of fixing the relationship on her shoulders when she's not the one breaking the relationship.

Submission is beautiful when it's mutual. When both people are yielding to each other in love, when both people are honoring and respecting each other, when both people are laying down their preferences for the good of the other—that's Kingdom.

But when it's one-sided? When one person is wielding power and the other is being crushed under it? That's not submission. That's oppression.

And telling an abuse victim to submit more isn't godly counsel. It's enabling abuse.

Third: Help Create Safety Plans

When a woman is in an abusive situation, she needs practical help—not just spiritual platitudes.

If there's abuse happening, she may need to leave. But here's something most people don't understand: the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she's leaving.

The risk of domestic violence—including homicide—spikes dramatically when an abuser realizes they're losing control. So you can't just tell someone, "You need to leave right now." You need to help them create a safety plan.

What does a safety plan look like?

• A place to go where she'll be safe (not her parents' house if he knows where they live and might go there)

• Financial resources (a bank account he doesn't know about, or help from the church to get her set up)

• Legal protection (restraining orders, custody arrangements if there are children)

• A support system (people who will check on her regularly, who will believe her if the abuser starts trying to manipulate the narrative)

• A timeline that makes sense for her situation

Some women aren't ready to leave yet. Maybe they're still processing what's happening. Maybe they're not convinced it's really abuse. Maybe they're hoping he'll change.

You can't force someone to leave before they're ready. If you pressure them into leaving and then they go back because they weren't emotionally ready, the abuse often gets worse.

So what do you do? You walk with them. You help them see clearly what's happening. You educate them about the patterns of abuse. You let them know they have options. You help them prepare for when they are ready.

And you never, ever abandon them.

Fourth: Don't Assume You Know Everything

One of the biggest mistakes church leaders make is assuming they can fix everything with a few Bible verses and some spiritual counsel.

Here's what I tell pastors and counselors: You are not Holy Spirit.

You can be led by Holy Spirit. You can give counsel and advice. You can share what you believe God is showing you.

But you cannot tell someone, "God says you need to stay in this marriage." You cannot tell someone, "If you just do X, Y, and Z, everything will be fine."

Because you don't know. You don't live in that house. You don't see what happens behind closed doors. You don't know the full extent of what's been going on.

So instead of giving authoritative declarations, ask questions. Listen. Believe her when she tells you what's happening. Don't assume she's exaggerating or being overly emotional.

And for the love of God, don't tell her that her husband seems like such a nice guy so she must be misunderstanding him. Abusers are often incredibly charming in public. That's how they get away with it.

Fifth: Hold the Abuser Accountable

Here's where churches really fail: they put all the pressure on the victim to change and give the abuser a pass.

If a man is being abusive—whether it's physical, emotional, financial, sexual, or any other type—the church needs to confront that sin directly.

Not with gentle suggestions. Not with "Well, marriage is hard for everyone, just try to be more loving."

With real accountability.

"Brother, what you're doing is sin. It's destroying your family. You need help, and you need to get it now. If you're not willing to do the work to change, then we support your wife in whatever she needs to do to protect herself and your children."

That's what accountability looks like.

And if he's not willing to get help? If he refuses to acknowledge the abuse or dismisses it as "not that bad"? Then the church should support her in leaving.

Because marriage is not more important than safety. The institution of marriage is not more important than the people in it.

Sixth: Walk With Them—Don't Abandon Them

I can't tell you how many women have told me that when they went through their divorce, their church withdrew from them.

Not all at once. Not obviously. But invitations stopped coming. Phone calls became less frequent. People who used to be close friends suddenly got busy.

And the message came through loud and clear: "You failed. You couldn't keep your marriage together. You're damaged goods now."

That's not God's Kingdom. That's religious judgment masquerading as holiness.

When someone is walking through the hardest season of their life, that's when they need community most. That's when they need people to show up with meals, with childcare, with listening ears and compassionate hearts.

That's when they need to know they're not alone.

If your church can't do that—if your church withdraws from people who get divorced—then your church has missed the entire point of the gospel.

What I Experienced (And What Everyone Deserves)

I was fortunate. When I went through my divorce, I was on staff at a healthy church. And when my elders found out what was happening, they came alongside me.

One of them sat in my office and said something I'll never forget: "Susan, did you know that God gave the gift of divorce because of hardness of heart? The God who hates divorce was Himself divorced. He divorced Israel."

That conversation changed my life. It gave me permission to be honest about what was really happening. It released me from the shame and the fear that I was somehow failing God by leaving.

My church didn't abandon me. They didn't withdraw from me. They didn't tell me I was out of order or that I needed to try harder.

They walked with me. They supported me. They helped me see that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone go.

That's what every church should do for people in crisis.

The Bottom Line

If you're in church leadership and someone comes to you with a crisis in their marriage, here's what I want you to remember:

Your job is not to save the marriage at all costs.

Your job is to help people follow Holy Spirit. Your job is to create safety. Your job is to speak truth and hold people accountable and walk with hurting people through the mess.

Sometimes that means marriages are saved. Sometimes it means they end. But either way, your job is to represent God's heart—which is always for healing, for freedom, for wholeness.

Not for keeping people trapped in dysfunction for the sake of optics.

And if you're someone who's in crisis right now, wondering if your church will support you—I want you to know this:

If your church tells you to submit more without addressing the abuse, that's a red flag.

If your church withdraws from you when things get hard, that's not God's heart.

If your church prioritizes the institution of marriage over your safety, they're operating in the wrong kingdom.

You deserve better. You deserve a community that will walk with you, believe you, protect you, and help you hear Holy Spirit's voice above all the noise.

And if your current church won't do that, there are churches that will.

Don't give up hope. The truth is out there. Support is out there. And God is with you every step of the way.

Blessings,
Susan 😊