The Dangerous Lie That It's All on Her to Fix

Picture this: A woman discovers her husband has been unfaithful. Or maybe he's hiding a pornography addiction. Maybe both. She's devastated. Her world is falling apart. But she loves him, and she wants to save the marriage.

She goes to her church for help. She sits down with the biblical counselors, hoping for wisdom and support.

And they tell her the problem is her lack of submission.

"Are you respecting him enough?"

"You need to be more encouraging."

"Have you been fulfilling your duty as a wife? You need to have more sex with him."

So she tries. She submits more. She has sex with her husband even though her heart is broken and closed because of what he's done to her.

And she gets pregnant.

Now she's a stay-at-home mom with another child, less financial security than ever, and the infidelity continues. The pornography continues. The manipulation continues.

Because the problem was never her lack of submission. The problem was his sin. And you can't fix someone else's sin by submitting more.

Why One Person Can't Fix a Broken Marriage

Here's a truth that should be obvious but somehow gets lost in church culture: if a marriage is unhealthy, one person working on it alone won't fix it.

Both parties have to be willing.

I've watched women try so hard to save their marriages. They submit more, respect more, pray more, have sex more—they do everything their church counselors tell them to do. And it doesn't work. Because the other person isn't working on it. The other person is content with the power dynamic that puts all the responsibility on her.

When you tell an abuse victim that she needs to submit more, you're essentially saying, "If you just love him enough, he'll stop hurting you."

That's not how abuse works. That's not how addiction works. That's not how sin works.

The abuser has to want to change. The addict has to want freedom. The person trapped in sin has to want deliverance.

And even God Himself won't force that choice on them.

The Physical Danger We Don't Talk About

Let me get really honest for a minute about something we don't discuss enough in church.

When a woman is told to "have more sex" with her husband as a way to fix the marriage, and that husband is stepping out with other women or engaging with pornography, she's being told to put her physical life at risk.

STDs. That's the reality we're dancing around.

And when I've brought this up, I've actually heard church leaders respond with, "Well, God would heal you."

Are you kidding me?

That's not just flippant—it's callous. It's cruel. It takes a woman who is already being abused and tells her that her physical health, her safety, her very life is secondary to keeping her husband happy.

That is not the heart of God. That is not God's Kingdom. That is the kingdom of darkness using religious language to keep people trapped.

The Pregnancy Trap

Let me walk you through what happened to one woman I know.

She discovered her husband's infidelity. She went to counseling. They told her to submit more and have sex more to save the marriage. So she did. She got pregnant.

Now she has another child. She's a stay-at-home mom who took years out of building her career to raise her children—which is beautiful and valuable, but it also puts her in a financially vulnerable position. Her husband has been building his career, building his income, building his security. She's been building their family.

And the whole time, he's been unfaithful.

The pregnancy didn't fix the marriage. It couldn't fix the marriage. Because she wasn't the problem.

But now she has another mouth to feed, another reason it's harder to leave, another layer of vulnerability. And the man who created this situation through his own sin—where was the church holding him accountable?

They were too busy telling her she wasn't respecting him enough.

Where's the Accountability for Him?

Here's what infuriates me: in almost every story I hear like this, the church is laser-focused on what the wife needs to do differently, and there's little to no accountability for the husband.

If he's addicted to pornography, that's adultery. Jesus said it Himself: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28, ESV).

Pornography isn't just "a struggle." It's not just "boys will be boys." It's adultery. It's a betrayal of the marriage covenant. And it's a symptom of deeper heart issues that need to be addressed.

If he's being unfaithful physically, that's obviously adultery.

If he's emotionally abusive—gaslighting, manipulating, controlling—that's partnering with the enemy. Manipulation and control are always the wrong kingdom.

So where is the church leadership coming alongside him to say, "Brother, this is sin. This is destroying your marriage and your family. You need help. We're going to walk with you toward freedom, but you have to be willing to do the work"?

Where's that conversation?

Because from what I've seen, that conversation rarely happens. The man gets a pass—maybe some gentle encouragement to "be more loving" or "lead your family better"—while the woman gets the full weight of responsibility to fix everything through her submission.

That's not accountability. That's enabling.

The Lie That It's Your Duty

One of the most toxic pieces of teaching I've encountered is this idea that a wife has a "duty" to have sex with her husband, regardless of the state of the relationship.

Let me be very clear: sex is meant to be the fruit of intimacy, not a tool to create it.

When there's real love, real honor, real mutuality in a relationship, sexual intimacy flows naturally from that. If there's no sex in a marriage, that's a symptom of a deeper problem in the relationship. The answer isn't to force the sex—the answer is to figure out what's broken and heal it.

But when you tell a woman that having sex is her duty, even when her husband is unfaithful, abusive, or addicted to pornography, you're turning something beautiful and sacred into a weapon. You're telling her that her body isn't hers, that her boundaries don't matter, that her pain is irrelevant.

That's not God's heart. That's the enemy's playbook.

Both Parties Must Be Willing

I want to say this as clearly as I can: healthy relationships require mutuality.

One person can work on themselves. One person can set boundaries. One person can pray and seek God's wisdom and do everything right.

But if the other person refuses to work on themselves, refuses to get help, refuses to change—the relationship won't be healed.

That's not a failure on your part. That's the reality of free will.

God Himself won't force someone to choose righteousness. He invites. He pursues. He makes a way. But He won't violate someone's free will to force them into wholeness.

And neither can you.

Your prayers matter. Your boundaries matter. Your choices matter. But you cannot pray someone into righteousness. You cannot submit someone into faithfulness. You cannot respect someone into wholeness.

They have to want it.

And if they don't want it, all your effort won't change that.

What Healthy Counsel Looks Like

So what should church leaders do when a woman comes to them in crisis?

First, they should take her seriously. They should believe her. They should not assume she's exaggerating or being disrespectful or failing to submit.

Second, they should help her create boundaries. God Himself has boundaries. Boundaries are healthy and holy. A woman who is being abused needs to know that she has the right and the responsibility to protect herself and her children.

Third, they should hold the abuser accountable. Not with gentle suggestions, but with real consequences. If he's unwilling to get help, if he's unwilling to stop the abuse, then the church should support her in whatever she needs to do to be safe—including separation or divorce.

Fourth, they should walk with her. Not abandon her. Not withdraw when things get messy. Not make her feel like she's the problem.

Because she's not the problem. She never was.

The Truth About Responsibility

Here's the bottom line: you are responsible for your own choices, your own healing, your own walk with God.

You are not responsible for your spouse's choices, your spouse's healing, your spouse's walk with God.

If your church is telling you that the state of your marriage is entirely dependent on how well you submit, how much you respect, how often you pray—they're lying to you.

That's not biblical. That's not Kingdom truth. That's toxic theology designed to keep people trapped in dysfunction.

Yes, work on yourself. Yes, set healthy boundaries. Yes, pray and seek God's wisdom. Yes, be open to what Holy Spirit is showing you about your own heart.

But do not take responsibility for someone else's sin. Do not let anyone tell you that if you just tried harder, loved better, submitted more, your abuser would stop abusing you.

That's a lie. And it's a dangerous one.

The truth is this: you cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. And it's not your job to try.

Your job is to follow Holy Spirit, protect yourself and your children, and trust that God is big enough to handle the rest.

Blessings,
Susan 😊