When God Tells Spouses Different Things: Navigating the Gray Areas
"How does a wife handle a situation when the Holy Spirit is telling her something different than what the Holy Spirit is telling him?"
This question came up recently in conversation with friends, and I could see the genuine wrestling behind it. It's the kind of question that reveals how deeply we've been shaped by hierarchical thinking, even when we're trying to seek God's heart together.
But here's what I've learned: the way we frame the question often determines the kind of answers we'll find.
The Problem with the Question
Notice the assumptions built into this question:
That God regularly gives conflicting directions to spouses
That someone must be "right" and someone must be "wrong"
That there needs to be a "final authority" to break the tie
That this is primarily about who has spiritual superiority
But what if we reframed it entirely: "When spouses sense different directions, how can they seek God's wisdom together?"
This reframe opens up possibilities that the original question shuts down.
Three Possibilities
When Gregory and I encounter what seems like conflicting guidance, we consider three possibilities:
First, one of us might be misinterpreting what we're hearing. I'm not saying that to be dismissive—I'm saying it because I've lived it. There have been times I was absolutely convinced I was hearing God's voice, only to discover later that my own fears, desires, or past experiences were coloring what I thought was divine guidance.
The same is true for Gregory. We're both human, both fallible, both capable of confusing our own thoughts with God's voice.
Second, God might be testing our commitment to unity. Sometimes what looks like conflicting guidance is actually God asking, "What matters more to you—being right or loving each other? Your individual position or your partnership?"
Third, we might both be missing something. When we can't come to agreement on important matters, it often means we need to wait for clearer guidance rather than forcing a decision. God isn't in a hurry to break up marriages over timing decisions or strategic choices.
The Unhealthy Premise
But let's address the elephant in the room: the premise that the husband's spiritual discernment should automatically trump the wife's.
This assumption is built into the traditional framing of the question. It suggests that when there's disagreement, we already know who should defer to whom based on gender rather than spiritual maturity, wisdom, or giftedness.
I've lived in that system, and I can tell you from experience: it doesn't produce better spiritual outcomes. It produces resentment, spiritual passivity, and decisions that lack the full wisdom both partners could contribute.
Context Matters
When we look at the New Testament passages about wives submitting to husbands, they're almost always in the context of:
Broader teachings about mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21)
Specific cultural situations where women were in vulnerable positions
Missionary strategy for winning unbelieving husbands (1 Peter 3:1)
These weren't universal principles about male spiritual superiority—they were wisdom for specific situations where following this advice would advance God's Kingdom in that cultural context.
The way the question is usually posed—"What if God tells them different things?"—assumes we should default to first-century Roman household codes rather than New Testament principles of mutual submission and Spirit-led community.
When to Acquiesce, When to Stand
There are times when love calls us to acquiesce to situations that aren't ideal—what I call "subversive submission." This is like Jesus teaching us to carry a soldier's pack two miles instead of the required one. It's not about being a doormat; it's about choosing love over control.
In some marriages, this might mean:
Going along with a decision you're not fully convinced about because maintaining unity is more important than getting your way
Supporting your spouse's choice even when you think there might be a better option
Choosing to trust their heart even when you don't understand their reasoning
But—and this is crucial—this kind of submission should never involve:
Accepting abuse or enabling destructive behavior
Violating your own conscience on moral issues
Abandoning your responsibilities to children or others
Silencing your voice permanently
The Difference Between Disagreement and Abuse
There's a massive difference between "Should we move to Denver or stay in Dallas?" and "Should you submit to being mistreated?"
For normal disagreements about life direction, timing, or preferences, mutual submission and patience usually lead to wisdom. But when someone is being asked to accept treatment that violates their dignity, safety, or well-being, different principles apply.
As I've said before: if you're not safe, leave. No interpretation of submission should ever require someone to stay in an abusive situation.
Real-Life Navigation
So how do Gregory and I actually handle disagreements about direction?
We start with the assumption that we're both seeking God's heart. Neither of us is trying to manipulate or control—we're both genuinely wanting to follow His leading.
We listen carefully to each other's reasoning. What's behind each perspective? What hopes, fears, or experiences are shaping our sense of direction?
We pray together. Not just individually, but together—asking God to show us His heart and give us unity.
We wait when necessary. If we can't come to agreement on something important, we don't force it. We trust that God values our unity more than our timeline.
We consider our track record. In which areas does each of us typically have better spiritual discernment? Gregory might be more prophetically sensitive in some areas; I might have better wisdom in others.
We own the outcome together. Whatever we decide, we're both responsible for the results. No blaming, no "I told you so," no scapegoating.
The Fruit Test
Jesus gave us a reliable way to test our spiritual discernment: "By their fruit you will recognize them" (Matthew 7:16).
When disagreements arise, Gregory and I ask:
Which option produces more love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?
Which direction builds up our relationship rather than dividing it?
Which choice serves others rather than just ourselves?
Which path reflects the character of Christ?
This isn't always easy to discern in the moment, but over time, the fruit becomes clear.
When Agreement Isn't Possible
What about those rare situations where, despite prayer and patience, spouses remain convinced they're hearing different things from God?
In those cases, love might require:
Creative solutions: Is there a third option we haven't considered that honors both perspectives?
Seasonal timing: Could we try one approach now and the other later?
Divided responsibilities: Are there areas where each person can follow their sense of God's leading without forcing the other to violate their conscience?
Professional guidance: Sometimes a wise counselor or pastor can help us see what we're missing.
The Real Question
But here's what I think is the deeper question: Why are we so afraid of disagreement that we need predetermined hierarchies to resolve conflict?
Healthy relationships can withstand disagreement. In fact, disagreement often leads to better decisions when both parties listen well and seek wisdom together. The rush to resolve disagreement through authority structures often short-circuits the process of actually hearing God together.
A Different Framework
Instead of asking "Who gets the final say?" what if we asked:
"How can we seek God's heart together in this situation?"
"What might we be missing that's preventing us from finding unity?"
"How can we honor both perspectives while moving forward in love?"
"What would mutual submission look like in this specific situation?"
These questions lead to partnership rather than power struggles, wisdom rather than control.
The Safety to Disagree
One of the most beautiful aspects of my marriage with Gregory is that we both have complete safety to express our perspectives without fear of retaliation or power plays.
I know that if I disagree with Gregory about something, he's not going to:
Use his physical presence to intimidate me
Play the "I'm the man" card to shut down discussion
Manipulate me emotionally to get his way
Make unilateral decisions without my input
And Gregory knows that if he disagrees with me, I'm not going to:
Manipulate him through guilt or emotional pressure
Use passive-aggressive tactics to get my way
Undermine his decisions behind his back
Refuse to support choices we make together
This safety creates space for authentic spiritual discernment rather than power struggles disguised as spirituality.
The Kingdom Reality
In God's Kingdom, the question isn't "Who's in charge?" but "How can we love each other well?" It's not "Who has final authority?" but "How can we seek wisdom together?"
When both spouses are committed to mutual submission—when both are more interested in serving than being served, in listening than being heard, in building up than tearing down—disagreements become opportunities for deeper unity rather than threats to relationship.
This doesn't mean we become wishy-washy people who never make decisions. It means we make decisions through love, wisdom, and partnership rather than through hierarchical power structures.
And here's the beautiful result: decisions made this way are usually better decisions because they benefit from both people's full wisdom and both people's complete ownership of the outcome.
The question isn't what to do when God tells spouses different things. The question is how to create relationships safe enough for both people to hear God clearly and unified enough to follow His leading together.
That's the Kingdom reality that transforms marriages—and that's the truth that's been hiding in plain sight all along.
Blessings,
Susan 😊