Beyond the Gender Wars: Why This Affects Everyone

"So what if God is telling her one thing and telling him another? How does a wife handle that situation?"

This question, asked by a friend recently, reveals something profound about how deeply hierarchical thinking has penetrated our understanding of relationships. But here's what I've discovered: this isn't really a gender issue at all. It's a Kingdom issue that affects everyone.

The damage caused by dominance-based hierarchy extends far beyond women. It creates impossible burdens for men, distorts our understanding of strength and leadership, and ultimately robs all of us of the beautiful partnerships God designed us for.

The Impossible Burden on Men

Traditional complementarian teaching doesn't just limit women—it places crushing expectations on men that God never intended them to carry alone.

Consider what we typically expect from "biblical manhood":

• Spiritual leadership: He should be the primary spiritual guide for his family

• Financial provision: He should be the breadwinner, regardless of his wife's gifts or earning potential

• Final decision-making: When disagreements arise, he should make the "tough calls"

• Emotional strength: He should be the stable, unemotional rock his family can depend on

• Protection: He should shield his family from all dangers and difficulties

No wonder so many men feel inadequate and overwhelmed. These expectations set them up for failure and resentment, not success and fulfillment.

In my previous marriage, I watched this dynamic play out destructively. My ex-husband felt the pressure to be "the spiritual leader," but when he wasn't naturally gifted in that area, the pressure created resentment rather than growth. He felt entitled to make final decisions but wasn't equipped to handle the weight of responsibility that came with those decisions.

The Scapegoat Dynamic

Here's something I've observed in hierarchical marriages: when things go wrong, guess who gets blamed?

I've noticed that many women who pride themselves on being "submissive wives" actually use their husbands as convenient scapegoats:

• "We're struggling financially because my husband isn't a better provider"

• "Our family isn't growing spiritually because my husband isn't leading us well"

• "We're not seeing God move in our lives because my husband isn't stepping up"

This creates a toxic dynamic where the wife feels righteous in her submission while placing all responsibility for outcomes on her husband. Meanwhile, the husband carries crushing guilt for every area where the family struggles.

This isn't biblical submission—it's emotional manipulation disguised as spirituality.

When Men Become Convenient Excuses

In truly hierarchical systems, women often abdicate personal responsibility by deferring everything to their husbands. But this "submission" actually becomes a form of control:

• She doesn't have to make difficult decisions because "that's his job"

• She doesn't have to take ownership of outcomes because "I just submitted to what he decided"

• She doesn't have to develop her own spiritual maturity because "he's the spiritual leader"

• She doesn't have to use her gifts fully because "my role is to support his ministry"

Meanwhile, he's supposed to:

• Make decisions without her full input (because she's "just submitting")

• Carry responsibility for choices she helped create but won't own

• Lead spiritually while she remains passive

• Succeed in every area while she focuses only on her narrow "role"

This isn't partnership—it's a recipe for resentment on both sides.

The Strength Trap

Traditional gender roles often trap men into a narrow definition of strength that has nothing to do with biblical masculinity.

"Real men" are supposed to:

• Never show vulnerability or emotion

• Always have the answers

• Make decisions quickly and confidently

• Never need help or input from others

• Dominate rather than collaborate

But look at Jesus—the ultimate example of biblical masculinity. He:

• Wept openly when grieved

• Asked for help and input from others

• Spent time in prayer before major decisions

• Showed tenderness toward children and outcasts

• Served others rather than demanding to be served

True strength isn't about control or dominance—it's about having the power to serve and lift others up.

Gregory embodies this kind of strength. His masculinity isn't threatened by my success or my voice. In fact, his confidence allows him to support my gifts even when they challenge traditional gender expectations. That takes real strength—the strength to love without needing to control.

The Question Behind the Question

Let's return to that original question: "What if God is telling her one thing and telling him another?"

The way this question is framed reveals the problem. It assumes:

• God regularly gives conflicting directions to spouses

• The husband's spiritual connection is automatically more reliable

• Someone must have final authority to "break the tie"

• Disagreement is primarily a power struggle rather than a wisdom opportunity

But what if we reframed the question: "When spouses sense different directions from God, how can they seek His heart together?"

This reframe opens up completely different possibilities:

• Maybe one of them is misinterpreting what they're hearing

• Maybe God is inviting them to wait for clearer guidance

• Maybe He's teaching them to value their relationship more than being "right"

• Maybe the disagreement reveals an opportunity to grow in trust and communication

Beyond Role and Function

Here's what I've learned: the minute you define relationships based on role and function rather than love and partnership, you take the heart out of the relationship.

When marriage becomes about "his job" versus "her job," it stops being about two people becoming one and starts being about two people fulfilling contracts. This creates:

• Scorekeeping: "I did my part, why didn't you do yours?"

• Resentment: "This isn't fair—you get the easy job"

• Comparison: "Other husbands/wives are better at their roles than you are"

• Rigidity: "This is supposed to be your responsibility, not mine"

But when relationships are built on mutual love and partnership:

• Both people are all-in for the success of the relationship

• Roles flow naturally based on gifts and circumstances

• There's grace when one person struggles in an area

• The focus is on "we" rather than "you" and "me"

The Real Enemy

The enemy isn't men versus women, traditional versus progressive, or submission versus equality. The real enemy is the empire mindset that turns relationships into power struggles.

The Kingdom of God operates on completely different principles:

• Power flows through love, not force

• Leadership means serving, not controlling

• Strength is measured by what you lift up, not what you put down

• Success is mutual flourishing, not individual dominance

When we embrace Kingdom principles, the gender wars end because we're no longer fighting for position—we're dancing together toward mutual empowerment.

The Liberation of Men

True biblical masculinity isn't about carrying impossible burdens alone—it's about partnering with your wife to carry them together. It's not about having all the answers—it's about seeking God's wisdom together. It's not about making final decisions—it's about creating unity through love.

When men are freed from the pressure to be miniature gods over their families, they can actually become the lovers and servants God called them to be. When they don't have to pretend to be perfect, they can be authentic. When they don't have to control, they can truly lead through love.

Gregory often tells me, "Susan, you don't know how powerful you are." But the truth is, my empowerment doesn't diminish his power—it multiplies it. When both of us are operating in our full giftings, our partnership becomes exponentially more effective than either of us could be alone.

The Question of Disagreement

So what happens when spouses genuinely sense different directions from God? In a Kingdom marriage:

First, we assume good intentions. Neither of us is trying to manipulate or control—we're both seeking God's heart.

Second, we dig deeper. What's behind each person's sense of direction? What fears, hopes, or experiences might be influencing our perspectives?

Third, we wait if necessary. It's better to pause and seek clarity than to force a decision that divides us.

Fourth, we trust the process. God is more committed to our unity than He is to any particular outcome. If we seek Him together with humble hearts, He'll guide us to wisdom.

Finally, we own the outcome together. Whatever we decide, we're both responsible for the results—no blaming, no "I told you so," no scapegoating.

A Better Way

The beautiful truth is that we don't have to choose between strong marriages and empowered individuals. Kingdom relationships create both.

When husbands are freed from impossible expectations and wives are empowered to use their full gifts, marriages become partnerships of mutual empowerment rather than hierarchies of control. Men don't lose—they gain partners who can carry burdens with them rather than passive followers who add to their burden.

This isn't about feminism versus traditionalism. It's about Kingdom versus empire, love versus control, partnership versus hierarchy.

The gender wars end when we stop fighting for position and start dancing together toward the heart of God.

That's the invitation of Ephesians 5:21: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Not because it makes women stronger or men weaker, but because it makes relationships healthier, marriages more resilient, and both partners more fully human.

It's time to move beyond the gender wars and into the Kingdom reality that transforms everyone it touches.

Blessings,
Susan 😊