When the Church Protects Narcissism as Divine Mandate
It's outrageous that equality is more controversial than misogyny.
Yet here we are, in an era where the Church—the very institution called to reflect Christ's radical love—has become the last bastion where chauvinism is protected as a divine mandate for humanity. Where abuse gets a theological defense. Where narcissistic behavior is sanctified as "biblical headship."
I've received countless messages from people trapped in destructive relationships, holding on because they believe God requires them to endure. They've been taught that their role as a "helper" means accepting treatment that would horrify us in any other context. But somehow, when it's wrapped in religious language and Bible verses, we call it God's design.
This has to stop.
The Helper Trap
The misunderstanding of the Hebrew word Ezer (helper) has created a theological trap that keeps people—especially women—locked in abusive situations. When we teach that being a "helper" means being secondary, submissive, and supportive no matter what, we're not teaching biblical truth. We're enabling dysfunction and calling it holy.
Here's what I've learned through years of studying the original text: Ezer isn't about hierarchy. It's about God's divine intervention. In 16 out of 19 Old Testament uses, Ezer refers to God Himself bringing supernatural help that no human can provide. The help isn't the woman—the help is God creating union, wholeness, completion.
But when we distort this into "she's the helper, he's the boss," we create a perfect storm for spiritual abuse. We tell hurting people that their suffering is somehow sanctified, that enduring mistreatment is their Christian duty, that setting boundaries violates God's design.
This isn't biblical submission. This is religious manipulation.
When Love Becomes Enabling
I have friends living with narcissists who stay because of Christian teaching on the word "helper." They don't feel they have permission to leave. It's heartbreaking to watch someone wither away as their life force is slowly drained, all while believing this suffering glorifies God.
Narcissistic abuse follows a predictable pattern: control, manipulation, gaslighting, then love-bombing when the victim gets close to their breaking point. It's murder in slow motion. The abuser can't let their victim set boundaries, can't respect their "no," can't allow them to have an individuated self.
And too often, the Church enables this by teaching that biblical love means never walking away, never setting limits, never saying "enough."
But that's not love—that's codependency with a Christian veneer.
The Most Powerful Word in the Universe
Real love requires freedom. As Jesus said, "You must lose your life to find it" (Matthew 16:25, ESV). If you're not willing to lose a marriage, you'll never truly have one. If you're not willing to walk away from a relationship, what you have isn't real love—it's something else entirely.
The most powerful word in the universe is "no." And healthy people must have the right to say it.
When someone consistently violates your boundaries, manipulates your emotions, controls your choices, and drains your life force, staying doesn't demonstrate Christ's love—it subsidizes their brokenness. You're not helping them; you're enabling their destructive patterns.
Marriage: Life Sentence or Death Sentence?
Marriage should be a life sentence, not a death sentence. But when the Church teaches that leaving an abusive situation violates God's design, we're turning marriage into a prison rather than a partnership.
People don't know how to navigate these situations, especially when they have religious filters telling them what they're "supposed to do." They're told to stay, endure, submit, and sacrifice—even when their physical, emotional, and spiritual life is being systematically destroyed.
This isn't what God desires for His children.
The Journey to Wholeness
For those trapped in narcissistic relationships, the path to freedom begins with understanding your worth. Most people controlled by narcissists don't believe they deserve better treatment. They've been conditioned to accept crumbs and call it love.
But here's the truth: you are made in God's image. You are worth protecting. You have the right to say no. You deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and genuine love.
The journey often requires professional help—a counselor who can walk you through becoming whole enough to value yourself, to believe you're worth walking away from abuse. This isn't selfish; it's necessary. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't love from a place of depletion.
The Difference Between Helping and Enabling
True help empowers people to become whole. Enabling keeps them broken and dependent.
When we teach that being a "helper" means accepting abuse, we're not helping anyone. We're perpetuating cycles of dysfunction that damage everyone involved—including the abuser, who never faces the consequences of their behavior and therefore never has motivation to change.
Real love sometimes means walking away. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is refuse to participate in someone else's destructive patterns. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them face the consequences of their choices.
God's Heart for Relationships
God's design for relationships has always been mutual honor, mutual submission, and mutual empowerment. The fall introduced dominance and control (Genesis 3:16, ESV), but Jesus came to restore us to something better.
In God's Kingdom, power flows through love, not force. Leadership means lifting others up, not controlling them. Submission is mutual, not one-sided. And marriage reflects the Trinity—distinct persons in perfect unity, each honoring and serving the others.
When we protect abusive behavior as "biblical headship" or tell victims their suffering is sanctified, we're not representing God's heart. We're misrepresenting it in ways that bring tremendous harm.
A Call to Courage
It takes tremendous courage to walk away from abuse, especially when religious voices tell you it's wrong. But sometimes the most biblical thing you can do is refuse to enable someone's sin. Sometimes love requires separation. Sometimes healing can only happen when unhealthy patterns are broken.
If you're in an abusive relationship:
You are not responsible for fixing your abuser
Your worth isn't determined by your ability to endure mistreatment
God doesn't require you to sacrifice your wellbeing for someone else's comfort
Seeking help is wise, not rebellious
You deserve relationships that build you up, not tear you down
Who Is Our Help?
Remember the truth about Ezer—our Help is God Himself. Not a human institution, not an abusive spouse, not a religious system that protects dysfunction. Our Help is the One who "came not to be served but to serve" (Mark 10:45, ESV), who laid down His life for us, who calls us beloved.
He is our Helper. He always has been. And He desires relationships for us that reflect His character—relationships marked by love, honor, safety, and mutual flourishing.
The Church must stop protecting abuse in the name of biblical authority. We must stop enabling narcissism as divine design. We must return to Jesus' model of love—the kind that serves, protects, honors, and empowers rather than controls, manipulates, and destroys.
It's time to call religious abuse what it is and offer genuine hope for healing. It's time to teach that God's love sets us free, not enslaves us to dysfunction.
If you're struggling with these issues, please reach out for professional help. You deserve support, you deserve safety, and you deserve love that builds you up rather than tears you down.
Blessings,
Susan 😊