When Faith Formulas Fail: My Journey Through Christian Marriage Programs

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. While I wouldn't go quite that far, I can say that some of the most sincere hearts I've ever met have been crushed by well-meaning Christian marriage programs that promised transformation through the right formula.

I should know. I was one of them.

The Seductive Appeal of Spiritual Formulas

When my first marriage was crumbling after ten years, I was desperate for answers. I had given my life to the Lord during our separation, and suddenly I was surrounded by hope-filled teaching about marriage restoration. There were conferences, books, programs—all promising that if I could just learn to love correctly, respect properly, and submit authentically, I could transform my husband and save my family.

It made so much sense. Follow these biblical principles. Apply these practical steps. Attend these workshops. Voilà—a restored marriage!

I dove in headfirst.

I attended a marriage event put on by a national organization and felt like if we could master what was being taught there, it would fix our marriage. I didn't just attend—I began volunteering for this organization almost full time. I really poured myself into it, believing that if I poured myself into marriages and if we could incorporate the teaching, then we would be transformed. If we could just learn how to do it right.

The testimonies were inspiring. The materials were biblically based. The heart behind it all was genuinely good. I loved the events and threw myself into serving other couples, certain that my own investment would somehow create the breakthrough my marriage needed.

When Good Intentions Meet Broken Reality

Here's what I discovered: formulas don't work on people.

At first, I was hopeful. You hear testimonies of marriages being transformed, and you really believe you're going to be one of them. I loved pouring into the organization and genuinely thought the events were great.

But there was a disconnect I couldn't ignore. While the men and women were often taught separately—with women receiving heavy emphasis on submission and men's reciprocal responsibilities being glossed over—the real issue was deeper than teaching methodology.

I was doing my best to walk in biblical submission, even submitting to things that weren't necessarily righteous or right. When somebody is walking in narcissistic patterns, it's easy to submit to narcissism when you're used to it. It becomes this codependency thing where if I meet your needs, if I give you everything you want, life is going to be more peaceful.

But here's what broke my heart: the very exercises that were supposed to transform us—the date nights, the heart-to-heart communication practices—were never actually happening in our marriage. I was very honest with my direct supervisors about our current situation, telling them we were a mess. Yet because we produced well and looked good on the outside, we kept being promoted within the organization.

The irony was crushing. Finally, I had to draw the line when they wanted to make us regional directors over the Virginia, Maryland, DC area. I told them plainly: "Our marriage is a mess. You cannot make us leaders. Our marriage is not healthy."

The Tragic Cost of Formula-Based Faith

Looking back at that season, although my heart was right, I was looking for a formula to fix everything. I was looking for obedience to the law to transform. Sadly, many of the people I was involved with during that timeframe are now divorced as well.

But the story that breaks my heart most is my immediate supervisor, whom I adored. He loved his wife so much and was so determined to make their marriage work, even though they had serious issues and he knew he was part of the problem. He was like, "I'm never going to divorce. I'm never going to divorce. I'm never going to divorce."

And he committed suicide.

That tragedy crystallized something for me about the danger of turning grace into law. In hindsight, I appreciated the focus on how important marriage was—it gave me a value for marriage that the world didn't give me. But it tried to accomplish transformation through obedience to a set of precepts as opposed to actually letting Love Himself, the person of Love, be the compass and the thermostat.

The Difference Between Law and Love

The problem with formula-based approaches to faith—whether in marriage, parenting, or any other area—is that they substitute external compliance for heart transformation. They attract sincere people with genuine desires for change, but they can't deliver what they promise because formulas can't change hearts.

As Paul wrote, "The letter kills, but the Spirit gives life" (2 Corinthians 3:6, ESV).

When we create systems that promise transformation through right behavior, we're essentially returning to law-based righteousness. We're telling people that if they follow the steps correctly, they can produce the results they want. But this puts them back under a burden that Christ died to remove.

True transformation happens when Love Himself becomes our compass—when Holy Spirit guides our responses rather than external rules dictating our behavior. This doesn't mean we ignore biblical wisdom, but it means we approach that wisdom from a place of relationship rather than obligation.

A Different Path Forward

If you're currently caught in the cycle of trying to love someone into transformation, if you've been following all the formulas and wondering why they're not working, I want you to know: it's not because you're not trying hard enough.

The issue isn't your level of commitment or the sincerity of your heart. The issue is that formulas—no matter how biblically based—cannot do what only God's Spirit can do in someone's life.

This doesn't mean we stop loving. It doesn't mean we stop growing or pursuing wisdom. But it does mean we release ourselves from the crushing burden of believing that our perfect performance can guarantee someone else's transformation.

Instead of asking, "What's the right formula?" we can begin asking, "What is Love saying in this situation?" Instead of measuring our success by external results, we can measure it by our faithfulness to follow Holy Spirit's leading, even when that leading doesn't match the prescribed steps.

Hope Beyond Formulas

My marriage didn't survive that season, despite years of applying every principle I'd learned. But my faith did survive—and it's stronger now because it's built on relationship rather than performance.

I'm now married to Gregory, and our relationship isn't built on formulas but on mutual submission flowing from love. We don't follow prescribed steps for communication or decision-making. Instead, we listen to each other, seek God together, and allow love to guide our choices.

It's messier than following formulas, but it's also more authentic, more sustainable, and more reflective of how God relates to us—not through rigid rules but through loving relationship.

If you're tired of formulas that don't work, know that there's another way. God's Kingdom operates differently than human systems. In His Kingdom, love is the only formula that matters, and Holy Spirit is the only guide we need.

That's not a formula you can master—it's a relationship you can enter into. And that makes all the difference.

Blessings,
Susan 😊