Why Healthy Families Don't Follow 'Biblical' Gender Roles

Here's something that might surprise you: the healthiest marriages I know don't actually follow traditional "biblical" gender roles—even when the couples say they believe in them.

I've been watching this phenomenon for years, and it's one of the most telling indicators that something is fundamentally wrong with how we've interpreted Scripture about marriage and family roles.

The Observation That Changed Everything

Recently, I was talking with two different friends who work in Christian counseling—both with over 30 years of experience. When I shared what I've discovered about mutual submission and partnership in marriage, both of them immediately said, "Yes, this is what actually works in relationships. This is what creates health."

Then one of them added something that stopped me in my tracks: "I've been counseling couples for three decades, and the healthiest marriages I see operate this way, regardless of what they say they believe about gender roles."

That's when it clicked for me. Even people who give lip service to traditional hierarchical marriage don't actually live that way if their relationships are healthy.

The Traditional Family That Wasn't

Let me give you a perfect example. I grew up watching a very traditional couple—the husband was seen as "the head of the house," and they would have identified completely with complementarian teaching. But here's what actually happened in their home:

She was an excellent cook, so she did most of the cooking. But he was great at breakfast, so he often handled the morning meal. She was better with numbers and organization, so she managed the family finances and paid the bills. At the end of each month, she'd show him exactly where all the money went.

Now, traditional gender roles would say the husband should manage the money because he's "the head." But in this healthy marriage, they divided responsibilities based on who was actually better at what.

I never once saw him "pull rank" or make a unilateral decision. When they disagreed about something important, they talked it through until they reached consensus. When it came to major decisions—where to live, how to spend money, how to handle family issues—they made those choices together.

They found their balance based on their individual gifts and strengths, not on prescribed gender roles.

The Pattern Everywhere

Once I started paying attention, I saw this pattern everywhere:

The women who talk most about submission are often the ones making most of the decisions. They've learned to work within the system by becoming what some call "the neck that turns the head." They get their way through influence and manipulation rather than direct partnership.

The men who most emphasize their headship are often the ones who've actually abdicated leadership. They use their "position" to avoid the hard work of genuine partnership and mutual decision-making.

The couples with the strongest marriages operate as genuine partners, even when they use traditional language to describe their relationships.

The Christian Counselors' Secret

Here's what those Christian counselors know but often can't say publicly: the techniques that create healthy marriages are based on mutual respect, shared decision-making, and partnership—not hierarchy.

They know that when one spouse consistently dominates or when the other consistently submits without a voice, the relationship becomes unhealthy. They see the damage that rigid gender roles create:

• Resentment in wives who feel voiceless

• Withdrawal in husbands who feel burdened with impossible expectations

• Children who learn dysfunctional patterns of relationship

• Families that operate at half-capacity because one person's gifts are suppressed

The Secular Couple That Gets It Right

I also know a couple who doesn't intentionally follow Jesus, but they have one of the healthiest marriages I've seen. Are they healthy because they fit prescribed gender roles? Not at all.

Their relationship is characterized by mutual respect, shared decision-making, and genuine partnership. Neither dominates the other. Both contribute their strengths. They handle disagreements through conversation and compromise, not through one person pulling rank.

They're healthier than many Christian families I know—not because they're more spiritual, but because they're doing healthy things. They're naturally living out the principles that God designed for relationships, even without the religious framework.

The Formula Trap

This exposes one of the biggest problems with traditional gender role teaching: it tries to reduce relationship to formulas. Religion looks for ways to create predictable outcomes—"If you do this, you'll get this result."

• If wives submit, marriages will be happy

• If husbands lead, families will be stable

• If you follow these roles, your children will turn out right

But relationships don't work that way. People don't work that way. Love doesn't work that way.

When people try to live by these formulas, several things happen:

They take the Holy Spirit out of the equation. Instead of asking "What is God saying in this situation?" they apply predetermined rules.

They ignore individual gifts and circumstances. Instead of allowing people to contribute their unique strengths, they force everyone into identical molds.

They create the very problems they're trying to solve. Power struggles, resentment, and dysfunction increase when people are forced into roles that don't fit their gifts or circumstances.

Dr. Phil's Question

There's a TV personality who's famous for asking, "How's that working for you?"

I think we need to ask that question about traditional gender roles in Christian families:

• How's it working for our marriages? (Even in the church, divorce rates remain high)

• How's it working for our children? (Many are leaving the faith)

• How's it working for the church? (We're operating at half-capacity)

• How's it working for our witness? (The world sees our gender restrictions as archaic and oppressive)

If the traditional system was truly God's design, shouldn't we see better fruit?

The Fruit Test

Jesus said, "By their fruit you will recognize them" (Matthew 7:16, NIV). So let's apply the fruit test:

Healthy relationships produce: unity, growth, mutual respect, shared responsibility, individual flourishing within partnership, children who are equipped for life, and effective ministry.

Unhealthy relationships produce: division, stunted growth, resentment, power struggles, suppressed gifts, children who either rebel or become overly dependent, and weakened witness.

When I look at the fruit of hierarchical gender roles, I see more of the second list than the first.

When I look at the fruit of genuine partnership and mutual submission, I see marriages that reflect the heart of God and families that are equipped to transform the world.

The Real Biblical Model

Here's what I've discovered: the Bible doesn't actually teach the hierarchical gender roles that have been passed down to us. When you study the passages in their original context, when you understand the cultural situations Paul was addressing, when you look at the overall trajectory of Scripture, a different picture emerges.

The Bible teaches mutual submission: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV).

It teaches partnership: "However, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman" (1 Corinthians 11:11, NIV).

It teaches that both men and women were created to rule: "Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule...'" (Genesis 1:26, NIV).

The Liberation

When couples discover this truth—when they realize they don't have to live by rigid formulas or fight for position—something beautiful happens. They're free to love each other as whole people. They're free to contribute their full gifts to the relationship. They're free to follow the Holy Spirit rather than religious rules.

The irony is that this freedom often leads to relationships that are more stable, not less. When both people know their voice matters, when both can lead and follow as needed, when both are empowered to be their full selves, the relationship becomes resilient rather than fragile.

A Challenge

I want to challenge you to look at the healthiest marriages you know—really look at how they function on a day-to-day basis. Don't listen to what they say about gender roles; watch what they actually do.

Do they operate hierarchically, with one person always making decisions and the other always following? Or do they operate as partners, sharing leadership based on circumstances, gifts, and wisdom?

I'm willing to bet you'll see what I've seen: healthy relationships don't follow rigid gender roles. They follow the principles of love, respect, and partnership that God designed from the beginning.

The question isn't whether you believe in biblical marriage—it's whether you believe in the marriage principles that actually work to create the fruit of God's Kingdom in our homes and families.

What patterns have you observed in the healthiest marriages around you? Do they follow rigid gender roles, or do they operate more as genuine partnerships? Have you experienced the difference between formula-based and relationship-based approaches to marriage?

Blessings,
Susan 😊