The Protection Paradox

I once witnessed a demonstration that grieved my spirit so deeply I've never forgotten it. It was at a marriage conference where they were teaching about "biblical" gender roles and male headship.

The instructor had a man come forward and stand with a literal sword by his side. Then he asked a woman to come behind the man—and because she was smaller, she was completely hidden behind him. The woman also had a sword, but here's where it got disturbing: she was instructed to keep her sword sheathed. It was the man's job to protect the family, they taught. If the woman unsheathed her sword to help fight, she would be "out of order."

But here's the part that made me want to weep: they demonstrated what would happen if the man was "taken out." Only then, they said, could the woman unsheathe her sword and begin to fight.

I remember thinking, "You want me to wait until my husband goes down before I start to fight for my family?"

The Perverted Protector

The idea of husbands as protectors isn't wrong in itself. In many situations, men are physically stronger. When women are pregnant or caring for small children, there are times when they're more vulnerable. The desire to protect those we love is beautiful and godly.

But when protection becomes a rigid role that prohibits partnership, something beautiful becomes perverted.

Here's what happens when we turn protection into a hierarchical role:

The woman is trained to be weak and dependent. Instead of developing her full strength and capabilities, she's taught to defer to male protection even when she could contribute to the family's defense or wellbeing.

The man is burdened with impossible expectations. He's supposed to be the sole protector, provider, and leader—roles that no human being can fulfill perfectly in every situation.

The family becomes less secure, not more. When only one person is "allowed" to be strong, the entire family's security depends on that one person's capabilities and presence.

A Personal Story

I actually lived with a man once who was physically smaller than me and, frankly, less courageous. When there were strange noises in the night or potential dangers to investigate, guess who had to go check it out? Me.

Now, I don't share this to embarrass anyone or to suggest that men are supposed to be braver than women in every situation. I share it because it illustrates how rigid gender roles often don't match reality.

Sometimes the woman is stronger. Sometimes she's more courageous. Sometimes she has skills or insights that are exactly what the family needs in a particular moment. But if we're locked into the idea that protection is exclusively a male role, we can't adapt to real life as it actually happens.

The Single Woman Dilemma

Here's where the role-based thinking completely breaks down: What about single women? Widows? Divorced women? Women whose husbands are deployed or traveling?

If women are designed to be protected rather than to protect themselves, what happens when there's no man available? Are these women inherently unsafe? Incomplete? Unable to function as whole human beings?

The traditional answer is often that there should be other men in her life—fathers, brothers, pastors—to provide "covering" and protection. But this reduces grown women to permanent children who can never be whole, capable adults in their own right.

God as Our Ultimate Protector

Here's what I've learned: Yes, my husband is a protector. But so am I. And ultimately, the Lord is our protector.

"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17, NIV).

When we come together in true partnership, we each bring our strengths to the table. My husband might protect our family with his physical strength. I might protect us with my intuition, my research skills, my ability to advocate, or my financial contributions. Our teenage granddaughter might protect us with her tech skills or her ability to spot things we've missed.

This isn't about diminishing anyone's gifts—it's about maximizing them.

The Unity Factor

Here's the beautiful truth: when we come together in unity, when we each contribute everything we have to the relationship, protection becomes stronger, not weaker.

Think about it this way: If you're facing a challenge as a family, would you rather have one person handling it while everyone else stands behind them helplessly? Or would you rather have everyone contributing their unique strengths to meet that challenge?

In our home, my husband Gregory has often served in challenging situations where his courage and physical presence were needed. But I've also protected our family in ways that his gifts couldn't address—through legal advocacy, financial planning, research, and discernment in relationships.

Neither of us had to ask permission to use our protective instincts. We didn't worry about whose "role" it was. We just did what love required in the moment.

The Empowerment Alternative

Here's what protection looks like in a Kingdom relationship:

Both partners develop their full capacity. Instead of one strong person and one dependent person, you have two strong people who can adapt to whatever life brings.

Both partners contribute their unique strengths. Physical protection, emotional protection, financial protection, spiritual protection—these can all be shared based on gifting and circumstance rather than gender.

Both partners prepare for reality. Life doesn't always fit into neat gender categories. Jobs are lost, health fails, circumstances change. Families thrive when both partners are equipped to handle whatever comes.

Both partners model strength for their children. Instead of teaching daughters to be helpless and sons to carry impossible burdens, we show them how to be whole, capable people who can work in partnership with others.

The Real Enemy

Here's what I've realized: the enemy isn't just trying to make women weak—he's trying to isolate and exhaust men while simultaneously disempowering women. It's a double attack that leaves families vulnerable and divided.

When men believe they must be the sole protector, provider, and leader, many of them withdraw under the pressure. They retreat into work, hobbies, or addictions because they can't measure up to impossible expectations.

When women believe they must be passive and dependent, half the family's strength is wasted. Their insights, their skills, their protective instincts are all suppressed in the name of "biblical womanhood."

Meanwhile, the enemy laughs as families struggle with half their resources, divided by artificial roles that God never intended.

A Different Picture

Let me paint a different picture of protection:

A husband and wife walking through life as partners, each alert to dangers that threaten their family. When challenges arise, they work together—one taking the lead based on gifting and situation, the other providing support and backup.

Sometimes he's in front, sometimes she is. Sometimes they're side by side. But they're always together, always unified, always bringing their combined strength to bear on whatever they face.

Their children see both parents as strong, capable protectors. Their daughters learn they can be both feminine and fierce. Their sons learn they can be both masculine and collaborative.

This isn't a family with one protector and several dependents. This is a family where everyone contributes, everyone matters, and everyone is equipped to face life's challenges.

The Kingdom Way

In God's Kingdom, protection isn't about hierarchy—it's about love. It's not about roles—it's about relationship. It's not about one person being strong while others are weak—it's about everyone being empowered to love and serve and protect each other.

Jesus didn't model dominating protection. He modeled self-sacrificing love that empowered others to become strong. He didn't keep His disciples dependent on Him—He equipped them to do "greater works" than He did (John 14:12, NIV).

That's the kind of protection that builds strong families and transforms the world.

When we move from rigid roles to flowing relationships, protection becomes more effective, not less. Love becomes more powerful, not weaker. Families become more secure, not more chaotic.

And that sword that was meant to stay sheathed? It turns out God gave it to us for a reason. Not to wait until our husbands fall, but to stand together as equal partners in the battles that matter most.

How has the traditional view of male protection affected your family or relationships? Have you experienced the strength that comes from true partnership, where both people contribute their protective gifts?

Blessings,
Susan 😊