Why Smart Women Stay Too Long

"I'm a smart girl. How did I get into this? Why did I stay so long?"

I've asked myself that question more times than I can count. And I've heard it from hundreds of other women who went through similar situations.

The shame is almost as painful as the abuse itself.

Because we're not stupid. We're not weak. We're not helpless.

We're smart, capable, strong women who somehow found ourselves trapped in situations that violated everything we knew about ourselves—and we stayed longer than we should have.

How does that happen?

Let me tell you.

The Theology That Sounds Biblical

Here's the thing about toxic theology: it sounds right.

It uses Bible verses. It quotes Scripture. It invokes God's name and God's authority. It comes from people we trust—pastors, elders, biblical counselors, mentors.

And it tells us things like:

"God hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16, ESV).

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22, ESV).

"You're called to lay down your life, just like Jesus did."

"This is your cross to bear."

"If you just love him more, respect him more, submit more, pray harder—he'll change."

Those statements sound spiritual. They sound biblical. And when you're a woman who genuinely loves God and wants to honor Him with your life, you take them seriously.

So you stay. You try harder. You submit more. You believe that if you just do it right, if you just love well enough, God will honor that and your marriage will be healed.

But the theology is a lie. A dangerous, destructive lie that keeps people trapped in abusive situations by making them believe it's God's will.

"God Hates Divorce"

Let's start with that one, because it's the big one. The one that gets thrown at women constantly when they're considering leaving.

"God hates divorce. You can't leave. You have to stay and fight for your marriage."

Yes, Malachi 2:16 says, "'For I hate divorce,' says the LORD, the God of Israel" (ESV). That's true.

But do you know what comes right before that verse? Context matters.

"Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Malachi 2:14, ESV).

God is angry at the men who are being faithless to their wives. He's angry at the abuse. He's angry at the betrayal. He hates divorce because He hates what causes divorce—the sin, the unfaithfulness, the hardness of heart.

And here's the thing most churches won't tell you: the God who hates divorce was Himself divorced.

"Thus says the LORD: 'Where is your mother's certificate of divorce, with which I sent her away?'" (Isaiah 50:1, ESV).

God divorced Israel. Not because He wanted to. Not because He took it lightly. But because Israel refused to stop their adultery, refused to stop worshiping false gods, refused to turn back to Him.

There came a point where even God said, "Enough."

So when churches tell you that you can never leave, that divorce is never an option, that you have to stay no matter what—they're holding you to a higher standard than God holds Himself to.

The Gift of Divorce

One of my elders told me something that changed my life: "Susan, did you know that God gave the gift of divorce because of hardness of heart?"

A gift.

I'd never heard divorce described that way before. I'd only heard it described as a failure, a sin, something to be avoided at all costs.

But Jesus said it Himself: "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so" (Matthew 19:8, ESV).

Divorce wasn't part of God's original design. In a perfect world, marriages would be whole and healthy and beautiful forever.

But we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a world where people have hard hearts. Where people refuse to change. Where people abuse power and hurt the ones they're supposed to love.

And in that world, divorce is sometimes the most loving thing you can do.

It protects you. It protects your children. It creates a boundary that says, "I can't force you to be healthy, but I can protect myself from your refusal to change."

That's not a failure. That's wisdom.

Why We Stay When We Shouldn't

So if divorce is an option, if God Himself divorced Israel, why do smart women stay so long in abusive situations?

Because the church tells us we have to.

Because we're told that leaving means we didn't try hard enough, didn't love enough, didn't submit enough, didn't have enough faith.

Because we believe that somehow, if we just do it right, we can fix him. We can save the marriage. We can be the hero who loved well enough to change another person.

But here's the hard truth: you cannot love someone into wholeness if they don't want to be whole.

You can pray. You can set boundaries. You can be patient. You can give grace.

But you cannot make someone choose righteousness. You cannot force someone to deal with their sin. You cannot heal someone who refuses to acknowledge they're broken.

And staying longer doesn't help them—it just hurts you.

The Damage of Staying Too Long

I stayed longer than I should have. I believed I was doing it for the Lord. I believed I was being faithful, being patient, being the wife God called me to be.

But you know what happened? It did damage to my children.

That's one of my deepest regrets—that I stayed so long trying to make it work, believing I was honoring God, when really I was modeling dysfunction for my kids.

I was teaching them that love looks like tolerating mistreatment. I was teaching them that marriage means one person has power and the other person has to submit to that power. I was teaching them that God cares more about the institution of marriage than He does about the people in it.

Those are lies. And I passed those lies on to my kids by staying too long.

I'm grateful that God is a redeemer. I'm grateful that He can take our mistakes and turn them into something beautiful. I'm grateful that my kids are seeing me walk in freedom now and learning what healthy relationships actually look like.

But I wish I'd known the truth sooner. I wish someone had told me that leaving wasn't failure—it was wisdom. That protecting myself and my children wasn't selfish—it was responsible. That God wasn't asking me to stay indefinitely in dysfunction.

The Culture Paul Was Addressing

Here's something that helps me understand why Paul wrote what he wrote about wives submitting to husbands:

In Paul's day, women had no way out.

They couldn't own property. They couldn't earn money. They couldn't support themselves. They were completely dependent on their husbands for survival.

So when Paul said, "Wives, submit to your husbands," he wasn't creating a new command. He was acknowledging the reality of their culture. They literally had no choice.

But then he turned to the slaves and said, "If you can gain your freedom, do so" (1 Corinthians 7:21, ESV).

Wait—what?

If Paul was okay with slaves pursuing freedom, wouldn't he say the same thing to women in oppressive marriages if they had the option?

In that culture, they didn't have the option. Today, we do.

And I believe Paul would say the same thing to us that he said to the slaves: if you can be free, be free.

What God Actually Wants

Here's what I've come to understand about God's heart:

He doesn't want you trapped. He doesn't want you abused. He doesn't want you sacrificing your life and your children's wellbeing for the sake of an institution.

He wants you free. He wants you whole. He wants you walking in the fullness of who He created you to be.

Marriage is beautiful when it's healthy. When two people are mutually submitting, mutually honoring, mutually loving each other—that's a picture of God's Kingdom.

But when one person is abusing power and the other is being crushed under it? That's not marriage. That's oppression.

And God is always, always on the side of the oppressed.

"The LORD works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed" (Psalm 103:6, ESV).

"He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound" (Isaiah 61:1, ESV).

If you're trapped in an abusive marriage, God's heart isn't "Stay and endure it." God's heart is "Let me set you free."

When to Stay and When to Go

I'm not saying everyone should leave their marriage at the first sign of trouble. That's not what I'm saying at all.

Some marriages can be healed. Some people do change. Some situations get better when both people are willing to do the work.

But the key words there are "both people."

If only one person is working on the marriage, it won't be healed. If one person is abusive and refuses to acknowledge it or get help, staying longer won't make them change.

So how do you know when to stay and when to go?

You listen to Holy Spirit.

Not your pastor. Not your friends. Not your family. Not even me.

Holy Spirit.

He's the one who knows your situation. He's the one who sees what's happening behind closed doors. He's the one who can guide you with wisdom and discernment.

Sometimes He'll ask you to stay for a season. Maybe to create a safety plan. Maybe to give your spouse one more chance to choose help. Maybe because He's working on something you can't see yet.

But He won't ask you to stay indefinitely. He won't ask you to sacrifice your life or your children's safety. He won't ask you to keep yourself in danger to preserve an institution.

Trust His voice. Follow His leading. And know that He's with you every step of the way.

The Shame We Carry

Here's what I want to say to every woman who's asking herself, "How did I get into this? Why did I stay so long?"

It's not your fault.

You stayed because you believed what you were taught. You stayed because you loved God and wanted to honor Him. You stayed because you had hope that things could get better.

That's not stupid. That's not weak. That's faithfulness.

The problem wasn't you. The problem was the theology that told you God required you to stay. The problem was the church that prioritized the institution over your safety. The problem was the abuser who refused to change.

You didn't fail. The system failed you.

And the beautiful thing is, God can redeem even that. He can take the years that were stolen and give you beauty for ashes. He can take the shame and replace it with honor. He can take the pain and turn it into purpose.

I'm living proof.

You Can't Unsee the Truth

Once you see the truth—once you understand that "headship" theology is a lie, that mutual submission is God's design, that you have the right to be safe and free—you can't unsee it.

You can't go back to believing that God wants you oppressed.

You can't go back to accepting abuse as "your cross to bear."

You can't go back to thinking that leaving is failure.

The truth sets you free. And once you're free, you can't go back into the cage—even if someone tries to put you there.

So if you're a smart woman who stayed too long, I want you to know: you're not alone. You're not crazy. You're not the only one.

And the fact that you're reading this right now, the fact that you're questioning the theology you were taught—that's Holy Spirit leading you into truth.

Don't ignore that voice. Don't dismiss that knowing.

Follow it. Trust it. Let it lead you to freedom.

Because that's where God wants you—free, whole, and fully alive.

Blessings,
Susan 😊