The Boundaries That Churches Won't Teach

You don't hear much about boundaries in church.

That's not an accident. That's by design.

Because boundaries threaten power structures. They disrupt systems that rely on people being compliant and passive. They empower individuals to say "no"—and people in power don't like being told "no."

But here's the truth: God Himself has boundaries.

And if God has boundaries, then boundaries aren't just acceptable—they're holy.

When "Boundaries" Was a Bad Word

When Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend published their book Boundaries back in the 1990s, it was revolutionary. It gave Christians permission to set healthy limits in relationships. It explained that saying "no" isn't selfish—it's necessary.

And you know what happened?

They got flack. Serious flack from the evangelical world.

Because the prevailing theology was that Christians are supposed to be doormats. We're supposed to lay down our lives. We're supposed to "turn the other cheek" and "go the extra mile" and "love our enemies."

All of which sounds very spiritual until you realize it's being used to keep people trapped in abusive relationships.

We're Not Called to Be Doormats

Let me be very clear about something: being a doormat is not the same as laying down your life.

When Jesus said, "Take up your cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24, ESV), He wasn't telling us to tolerate abuse. He wasn't saying, "Let people walk all over you and call it godliness."

He was talking about dying to the flesh—dying to the old nature, the old man, the sinful self.

Laying down your life means surrendering your will to God's will. It means putting others' needs ahead of your preferences. It means choosing love over selfishness.

It does not mean letting people abuse you.

It does not mean you have no right to protect yourself.

It does not mean you're supposed to be passive and compliant while someone destroys you.

That's not Kingdom. That's religion perverting the truth.

God Has Boundaries

Want to know how I know boundaries are holy?

Because God has them.

God has boundaries with us. He invites us into relationship, but He doesn't force us. He pursues us, but He won't violate our free will.

When we reject Him, there are consequences. When we refuse to repent, He allows us to experience the natural results of our sin.

That's a boundary.

God also has boundaries around His holiness. He's made it clear that certain things are incompatible with His nature. Sin cannot exist in His presence. Evil cannot corrupt His Kingdom.

That's a boundary.

And if God—who is all-powerful, all-loving, and infinitely patient—has boundaries, then we have permission to have boundaries too.

In fact, we have a responsibility to have boundaries.

What Boundaries Actually Look Like

So what does it mean to have healthy boundaries?

It means you get to decide what you will and won't tolerate in your life. It means you get to say "no" when something violates your values or puts you in danger. It means you get to protect your time, your energy, your body, your heart.

Boundaries in marriage might look like:

"I will not continue this conversation when you're yelling at me. If you can't speak to me respectfully, I'm going to take a break and we can talk later."

That's not being disrespectful. That's setting a boundary around how you will be treated.

"I'm not going to have sex with you while you're actively engaging in infidelity or pornography."

That's not withholding intimacy out of spite. That's protecting yourself physically and emotionally.

"I need access to our bank accounts. I need to know where our money is going."

That's not being controlling. That's refusing to be financially abused.

"If you hit me again, I'm calling the police."

That's not being vindictive. That's protecting yourself from physical violence.

See the difference? Boundaries aren't about controlling someone else. They're about controlling what you will accept in your own life.

The Lie That Boundaries Are Selfish

The church has done a masterful job of convincing people—especially women—that having boundaries is selfish.

"You're supposed to be selfless. You're supposed to put others first. You're supposed to lay down your life."

Yes. And all of that is beautiful when it's done freely, out of love, in the context of mutual respect.

But when you're being abused? When someone is violating you? When your safety is at risk?

Setting boundaries isn't selfish. It's wisdom.

Proverbs is full of wisdom about protecting yourself:

"The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it" (Proverbs 22:3, ESV).

"A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back" (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).

"Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control" (Proverbs 25:28, NIV).

Notice that last one? A person without boundaries is like a city with broken walls—defenseless, vulnerable, easy to attack.

God doesn't want you defenseless. He wants you wise.

The Difference Between "Death to Self" and Being a Doormat

Here's where people get confused: they think "dying to self" means you have no preferences, no boundaries, no voice.

That's not what it means.

Dying to self means dying to the flesh—the sinful nature that wants to control, manipulate, dominate, and serve itself.

It means surrendering your will to God's will. It means choosing love over selfishness. It means letting go of offense and pride and the need to be right.

But it does not mean you become a nonperson.

It does not mean you have no needs, no desires, no right to protect yourself.

Jesus died to Himself constantly. He laid down His preferences to serve others. He went to the cross willingly.

But He also had boundaries.

When the Pharisees tried to trap Him with their questions, He didn't engage. He walked away or redirected the conversation (Matthew 22:15-22).

When the crowds tried to make Him king by force, He withdrew (John 6:15).

When Peter tried to stop Him from going to the cross, Jesus rebuked him: "Get behind me, Satan!" (Matthew 16:23, ESV).

Jesus knew who He was, what His mission was, and what He would and wouldn't tolerate. He had clear boundaries.

And He never called that selfish.

What Happens When We Don't Have Boundaries

Let me tell you what happens when you don't have boundaries:

You get exhausted. You give and give and give until there's nothing left.

You get resentful. You feel used and taken advantage of, but you can't say anything because "that would be selfish."

You lose yourself. You stop knowing what you want, what you need, what you believe—because you've spent so long just going along with whatever everyone else wants.

You enable sin. When you don't set boundaries, you allow people to keep treating you badly. And that's not loving—that's enabling.

Boundaries aren't just for your benefit. They're for the other person's benefit too.

When you set a boundary, you're saying, "I love you too much to let you keep treating me this way. I'm giving you an opportunity to do the right thing."

That's actually one of the most loving things you can do.

Boundaries in Abusive Relationships

If you're in an abusive relationship, boundaries are especially important—and especially difficult.

Because abusers hate boundaries. They see boundaries as rebellion, as disrespect, as an attack on their authority.

So when you start setting boundaries, the abuse often escalates. The abuser doubles down. They try to punish you for daring to say "no."

That's why boundaries in abusive relationships often have to include physical separation.

"If you hit me again, I'm leaving."

"If you keep screaming at me, I'm taking the kids to my sister's house for the night."

"If you don't stop the infidelity and get help, I'm filing for separation."

These aren't threats. They're boundaries. And they're necessary to protect yourself and your children.

The sad reality is that many abusers won't respect boundaries until there are real consequences. Words alone won't do it. You have to be willing to follow through.

And that's where church theology often fails people—because they're told they can't leave, they can't separate, they can't protect themselves because "God hates divorce" and "you have to forgive seventy times seven."

But that's not what God is asking of you.

God Doesn't Ask You to Stay in Abuse

Let me say this as clearly as I can: God does not require you to stay in an abusive relationship.

He doesn't.

Yes, He values marriage. Yes, He wants marriages to be healed when possible. Yes, He's in the business of redemption and restoration.

But He also values you. He values your safety. He values your children's safety.

And if your spouse refuses to get help, refuses to stop the abuse, refuses to change—staying doesn't help them. It just hurts you.

Boundaries give people the opportunity to change. But they don't force change. Only the person can choose that.

And if they choose not to change, you have the right to protect yourself.

That's not selfishness. That's wisdom.

How to Set Boundaries

If you've never set boundaries before, it can feel terrifying. You might be worried about:

• How the other person will react

• Whether you're being too harsh

• Whether you're being selfish

• Whether you have the right

Let me help you with that last one: you absolutely have the right to set boundaries.

You are not obligated to tolerate mistreatment. You are not required to let people hurt you. You are not called to be passive in the face of abuse.

So how do you start?

1. Identify what's not okay. Get clear on what behaviors you're no longer willing to accept. Yelling? Name-calling? Physical violence? Financial control? Infidelity?

2. Decide what you'll do. What's your response when the boundary is crossed? Will you leave the room? End the conversation? Call a friend? File for separation?

3. Communicate the boundary clearly. "When you yell at me, I will leave the room. I'm willing to have this conversation when you can speak respectfully."

4. Follow through. This is the hardest part. When the boundary is crossed, you have to do what you said you'd do. If you don't follow through, the boundary becomes meaningless.

5. Get support. You need people in your corner who will encourage you, remind you that you have the right to set boundaries, and help you follow through.

The Voice of Holy Spirit

Here's what I want you to know: if you're feeling prompted to set boundaries, that's Holy Spirit.

That voice inside you that says, "This isn't okay. I don't have to tolerate this"—that's not rebellion. That's truth.

Holy Spirit's voice is loving, kind, empowering, and graceful. It doesn't shame you. It doesn't make you feel small. It doesn't make you feel guilty for protecting yourself.

If the voice you're hearing says, "You're being selfish. You're not submitting enough. You need to try harder"—that's not Holy Spirit. That's religion. That's lies.

Holy Spirit empowers you. He reminds you who you are—a beloved daughter of the King, worthy of honor and respect.

He doesn't tell you to be a doormat. He tells you to be wise.

Boundaries Reflect God's Heart

I know it feels scary to start setting boundaries. I know it goes against everything you've been taught in church.

But boundaries don't make you less godly. They make you more like God.

God is not a doormat. He's not passive. He doesn't let people do whatever they want without consequences.

He has clear boundaries. And He invites us into relationship with Him freely, not by force.

That's the model we're supposed to follow.

So if you've been taught that having boundaries is selfish, I want you to know—that's a lie.

Boundaries are holy. Boundaries are wise. Boundaries are one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and for the people around you.

And if your church won't teach that, find someone who will.

Because you deserve to be empowered. You deserve to know that you have the right to protect yourself. You deserve to be free.

And boundaries are one of the keys to that freedom.

Blessings,
Susan 😊