Why Wholeness Matters for Kingdom Living

There's a piece of advice that's become almost cliché: "If you want to change the world, start by making your bed."

It sounds simple. Maybe even simplistic. But underneath that simple statement is a profound truth: You can't effectively wield Kingdom power when you're fundamentally broken.

Let me put it more directly: If you're a broken vessel, power just seeps out. It doesn't stay contained in healthy ways. You know you're supposed to be powerful—God designed you to be—but because you're broken, that power comes out twisted. It manifests as control, manipulation, or grasping for dominance.

But when you're whole? When you've done the inner work? Then you have the capacity to hold Kingdom power in the way God intended.

The Connection We Miss

Most of us don't connect our inner brokenness to our relational patterns. We think they're separate issues.

We say, "I struggle with control in my marriage" without asking why we need to control.

We say, "I have a hard time trusting people" without examining what created that distrust.

We say, "I just can't seem to submit to my spouse" or "I feel so powerless in my relationship" without recognizing that these aren't just behavioral issues—they're symptoms of deeper wounds.

Your capacity to engage in healthy mutual submission is directly connected to your level of inner wholeness.

If you're operating from a place of fear, you'll grasp for control. If you're operating from a place of shame, you'll either hide or assert yourself aggressively. If you're operating from unhealed wounds, you'll project those wounds onto your relationships.

The Curse and Our Brokenness

Remember what we discussed in earlier posts about the curse? After the fall, humanity became broken. We started grasping for power, blaming each other, hiding from God and from ourselves.

"Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16, NASB). This curse doesn't just describe external power structures—it describes internal brokenness.

The desire to control. The tendency to dominate. The instinct to grasp for power or hide in powerlessness. These aren't just social problems. They're symptoms of wounded souls.

And here's what we often miss: You can have all the right theology about mutual submission, you can understand intellectually that God's design is partnership and equality, but if you haven't dealt with your own inner wounds, you'll struggle to live it out.

Blame: The Ineffective Discharge

Let me introduce you to a concept: Blame is an ineffective discharge of pain.

When we're hurting inside, we need somewhere for that pain to go. And the easiest place to direct it is outward—at other people.

Men blame women for their sense of displacement. Women blame men for patriarchy. Children of divorce blame their parents. The poor blame the rich. One race blames another.

And here's the thing: Some of that blame might be factually accurate. There might be real oppression, real abuse, real injustice that created the pain.

But blame doesn't heal the wound. It just provides temporary relief by discharging the pain onto someone else.

And then the pain builds up again. And we need to discharge it again. And the cycle continues.

Blame keeps us stuck. It keeps us focused on what others did to us rather than on what we need to heal within ourselves.

The Jordan Peterson Principle

Jordan Peterson has become a controversial figure, and people have strong opinions about him. But there's one thing he tells young men that I think is profoundly wise:

Stop focusing on your resentment. Stop blaming women, your parents, society, or whatever. Start with yourself. Clean your room. Make your bed. Get your own life in order.

This isn't about ignoring systemic problems. It's not about pretending injustice doesn't exist. It's about recognizing that you can't change the world—or even your relationships—until you start with yourself.

You can't control what was done to you. But you can control what you do with it.

You can't make other people heal. But you can heal yourself.

You can't force the world to be just. But you can become a person who embodies justice and wholeness.

What Inner Healing Actually Means

Inner healing isn't about becoming perfect. It's not about never feeling pain or never struggling.

Inner healing is about:

Identifying the wounds. What happened to you? What messages did you internalize? What lies did you come to believe about yourself, about others, about God?

Bringing those wounds to Jesus. He's the ultimate healer. He's the one who can touch the places in us that are too deep for us to reach ourselves.

Renouncing the lies and embracing the truth. When you've been told you're worthless, you have to learn that you're precious. When you've been treated as if you don't matter, you have to embrace that you're deeply significant to God.

Forgiving those who wounded you. Not because they deserve it, but because unforgiveness keeps you chained to your past. Forgiveness sets YOU free.

Learning new patterns. Healing isn't just about processing the past—it's about building new ways of relating in the present. It's about practice, repetition, and sometimes falling down and getting back up again.

This takes time. It takes honesty. It takes humility to admit that you're broken and need healing.

But the alternative is staying broken and letting that brokenness poison every relationship you have.

How Brokenness Distorts Power

Let me give you some examples of how unhealed wounds distort our ability to hold Kingdom power:

The man who was shamed as a child might grow up needing to prove his worth by controlling others. He can't tolerate anyone questioning him because deep down, he still believes he's inadequate. So he uses his position, his physical strength, or his authority to shut down challenges. He thinks he's being strong, but he's actually operating from deep insecurity.

The woman who was abandoned by her father might find it nearly impossible to trust her husband. She reads threat into neutral situations. She withholds herself emotionally to avoid being hurt. She thinks she's protecting herself, but she's actually preventing real intimacy. She can't practice true submission because submission requires trust, and she has none.

The person who was abused might swing to one of two extremes: Either they become controlling (determined never to be powerless again) or they become passive (unable to assert themselves at all). Both responses are protective mechanisms, but neither is wholeness.

The person who grew up in a home where love was conditional might spend their whole life performing, trying to earn approval, never feeling like they're enough. They can't rest in mutual submission because they're always working to prove their worth.

These aren't character flaws. These are wounds. And wounds need healing, not just willpower.

The Greater Capacity of Wholeness

Here's the beautiful promise: As you become more whole, you develop a greater capacity to hold Kingdom power effectively.

When you're no longer operating from fear, you can be strong without being controlling.

When you're no longer operating from shame, you can be vulnerable without being weak.

When you're no longer operating from unhealed wounds, you can respond to your spouse's pain with compassion instead of reactivity.

When you're secure in your identity in Christ, you don't need to grasp for power or prove your worth. You're free to lay down your life because you know your life is secure in Him.

This is what Paul means when he talks about being filled with the Spirit (Ephesians 5:18). You're not trying to get power from external sources—controlling others, manipulating situations, asserting your dominance. Instead, you're drawing from the deep well of wholeness that comes from being connected to God.

Walking with God in the Cool of the Day

Remember the Garden? Before the fall, Adam and Eve walked with God in the cool of the day (Genesis 3:8). They were in constant, intimate connection with Him.

They didn't have to grasp for anything because they were already full. They didn't have to prove anything because their identity was secure. They didn't have to control anything because they trusted God completely.

This is what inner healing restores: the ability to walk with God in intimacy, to draw our life from Him, to operate from fullness rather than emptiness.

When you're drawing your life from God, you don't need to turn against each other. You don't need to blame and shame. You don't need unhealthy power dynamics to feel secure.

You're already secure. You're already loved. You're already enough.

And from that place of wholeness, you can engage in true mutual submission—yielding to your spouse not from fear or obligation, but from genuine love and security.

The Work of Healing

I'll be honest with you: Inner healing is work. It's not a one-time prayer or a simple decision. It's a journey.

Sometimes it requires professional counseling. Sometimes it requires spiritual direction or ministry from trained prayer ministers. Sometimes it's a combination of many things over many years.

But it's worth it.

Because on the other side of that healing work is freedom. Freedom to love without fear. Freedom to be strong without being controlling. Freedom to be vulnerable without being weak. Freedom to partner with your spouse in true mutual submission.

A Preview of What's Coming

This topic of inner healing is so important that our next book will be devoted entirely to it. We'll dive deep into the process of becoming whole, of bringing our wounds to Jesus, of learning to walk in freedom.

Because here's what we've discovered: You can have all the right theology about relationships, but if you're not whole, you'll struggle to live it out. You can understand intellectually that mutual submission is God's design, but if you're operating from unhealed wounds, you'll keep falling back into unhealthy patterns.

The good news? Healing is possible. Wholeness is available. God specializes in restoring what's broken.

Where to Start

If you're reading this and realizing, "I need healing. I need to become whole. I need to deal with my wounds instead of just managing my behavior," here's where to start:

1. Get honest with God. Tell Him about your pain. Tell Him about your wounds. Tell Him about the ways you've been coping that aren't healthy. He already knows, but something powerful happens when we voice it.

2. Find safe people. You can't heal in isolation. Find a counselor, a spiritual director, a mature friend, or a support group. Find people who can walk with you on this journey.

3. Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. You didn't get wounded overnight, and you won't heal overnight. Give yourself grace for the journey.

4. Start where you are. Don't wait until you're "ready." Don't wait until you have it all figured out. Start with one small step. Maybe that's making an appointment with a counselor. Maybe it's telling one person about your struggle. Maybe it's just admitting to yourself that you need help.

5. Keep pursuing wholeness. Even after significant healing, there will be new layers to address. That's okay. That's normal. The journey toward wholeness is lifelong, and that's not a bug—it's a feature.

The Promise

Here's what I want you to hold onto: As you become more whole, you'll discover that you have a greater capacity to love, to partner, to engage in healthy relationships.

The power you were designed to carry—Kingdom power, the kind that transforms the world—will finally have a healthy container to flow through.

You'll be able to wield strength without controlling. You'll be able to submit without losing yourself. You'll be able to partner with others in the divine dance of mutual honor and mutual submission.

You'll become who God always intended you to be: whole, free, and powerful in the truest sense of the word.

And from that place of wholeness, you'll help transform not just your relationships but your family, your community, and ultimately, the world.

This is the journey. This is the work. This is what it means to make your bed before trying to change the world.

And it's worth every step.

Blessings,
Susan 😊

What inner healing work have you done or do you know you need to do? How has brokenness affected your ability to engage in healthy relationships? Share your journey below—your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.‍ ‍