Why You Can't Love Someone Into Wholeness

I used to believe that if I just loved my first husband enough, respected him enough, submitted perfectly enough, he would become the man God intended him to be. I spent twenty years trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved.

The religious message I'd absorbed was clear: wives, if your marriage is struggling, you're not loving enough. You're not respecting enough. You have the power to transform your husband through your perfect submission and unwavering devotion.

It's one of the most damaging lies the Church teaches, and it destroys both marriages and souls.

The Burden of Being Someone's Savior

When I served in a large marriage ministry devoted to traditional teaching on submission and headship, I genuinely believed that by pouring into other marriages and perfecting my own submission, I could transform my broken relationship. The underlying message was that wives held the key to their husbands' hearts—that our behavior could unlock their potential.

But here's what I learned the hard way: you cannot be someone's Holy Spirit.

You cannot love someone into wholeness. You cannot respect someone into respectability. You cannot submit someone into becoming a godly leader.

Only Christ can transform a heart, and He won't force that transformation on anyone—including your spouse.

The Lie of Female Responsibility

This false teaching places an unbearable burden on wives. When marriages struggle, when husbands remain unchanged despite years of "perfect" submission, the blame falls squarely on the woman's shoulders:

"You're just not loving enough." "You need to respect him more." "If you would submit better, he'd step up and lead."

This creates a devastating cycle. The wife tries harder, submits more, loves deeper—and when nothing changes, she assumes it's her failure. She carries the weight of responsibility for another person's choices, another person's character, another person's relationship with God.

But here's the truth: you are not responsible for your spouse's spiritual condition, their emotional health, or their character development. You never were.

Setting the Record Straight

The Bible never commands husbands to make their wives submit. In fact, when Paul addresses submission in Ephesians 5, he places it within the context of mutual submission: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NIV).

Paul's instructions to wives about submission came within a culture where women had no choice but to submit under Roman and Jewish law. What Paul was doing was revolutionary—showing these women how to rise out of obligation and operate with their own free will, their own power.

The same pattern appears when Paul addresses slaves. He doesn't endorse slavery; he shows enslaved people how to transform their circumstances from within, how to operate in Kingdom power even within unjust systems.

Both wives and slaves were being taught to go the extra mile—to move from having no choice to choosing love, from powerlessness to empowerment.

The Freedom of Releasing Control

When you finally realize you cannot change another person, something beautiful happens: you get your life back.

You stop walking on eggshells. You stop performing for someone's approval. You stop trying to manage someone else's emotions, choices, and spiritual condition.

Instead, you can focus on the one person you actually can influence: yourself.

This shift from external control to internal empowerment is where real transformation begins. When you stop pointing fingers and start looking in the mirror, when you stop trying to fix your spouse and start partnering with God to heal your own heart—that's when you come into your true power.

You can't control whether your spouse chooses to get whole, but you can control whether you do.

The Fragrance of Christ

Here's the beautiful irony: when you stop trying to change someone, you actually become more attractive to them. When you get whole within yourself, when you discover your identity and worth in Christ rather than in your spouse's approval, you begin to carry what Paul calls "the fragrance of Christ" (2 Corinthians 2:15, NIV).

It's like walking into a house where bread is baking. Suddenly you're hungry for something you didn't even know you wanted. When you're walking in wholeness, displaying the fruit of the Spirit, living in freedom—that creates a fragrance that can make others hunger for what you have.

But here's the crucial difference: you're not doing it to manipulate them into change. You're doing it because it's who you were created to be. The fragrance is a byproduct of your healing, not a strategy for their transformation.

Becoming a Signpost

Instead of trying to be someone's savior, we can become signposts—pointing them toward the only One who can truly transform them.

When you're whole and healthy, when you're operating in your gifts and walking in freedom, you become a living demonstration of what God's love can do. You're not preaching at them or manipulating them; you're simply being who God created you to be.

This removes the pressure from you and places the choice squarely where it belongs—with them and God.

The Hope and the Boundary

Does this mean there's no hope for struggling marriages? Absolutely not. First Corinthians 7 gives us both hope and boundaries.

Paul acknowledges that a believer's sanctification can positively influence an unbelieving spouse. There's always hope that your wholeness might inspire them toward their own healing journey.

But Paul also makes clear that "the believer is not under bondage in such cases" (1 Corinthians 7:15, NKJV). You are not obligated to maintain a relationship with someone who refuses to pursue health, especially if they're causing emotional, physical, or spiritual damage to you or your children.

You can hope for their transformation while refusing to enable their dysfunction. You can love them while protecting yourself. You can pray for their healing while pursuing your own.

The Choice Is Yours

Your marriage isn't your mission field. Your spouse isn't your project. Your submission isn't the key that unlocks their potential.

You are called to be whole, healthy, and free. You are called to walk in the gifts God has given you. You are called to reflect His nature through your life.

Do this work. Pursue inner healing. Partner with Holy Spirit to heal every wound, break every lie, and discover who you truly are in Him.

Then trust Him with the results. Trust Him with your spouse's heart. Trust Him with your marriage's future.

You are not responsible for saving anyone except, in partnership with Christ, yourself.

If you're struggling in a difficult marriage and need support, please reach out for help. Inner healing, counseling, and safe community are available. You don't have to carry this burden alone.

Blessings,
Susan 😊