Beyond Broken Bones and Bruises: Recognizing the 13 Patterns of Abuse
For years, I described my former husband as "mean" or "a jerk." Those were the only words I had. When people asked what was wrong in my marriage, I'd fumble for language to explain the constant walking on eggshells, the fear of setting him off, the way my children and I lived in perpetual anxiety about his next outburst.
But "mean" doesn't get you help. "Jerk" doesn't communicate the systematic destruction happening in your home. Without proper language to describe what I was experiencing, I remained trapped—not just by my circumstances, but by my own inability to articulate what was actually happening to me.
I didn't have broken bones. I didn't have visible bruises. So in my mind, and in the minds of those around me, what I was experiencing couldn't be "real" abuse.
I was so wrong.
The Damage We Can't See
One of the most dangerous myths about abuse is that it has to be physical to be real. This myth keeps countless people trapped in destructive relationships because they can't point to visible evidence of their suffering.
But here's what I learned: emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse are just as devastating as physical violence—sometimes more so, because the wounds are invisible and the healing process is often longer and more complex.
Trauma actually rewires the brain. Dr. Kevin Skinner, who works with betrayed spouses, went to his colleagues years ago with the symptoms he was seeing in women who had been betrayed through sexual addiction, pornography, and infidelity. He told them, "Their symptoms are identical to what a soldier has on the battlefield."
The medical community listened, and we now understand that betrayal trauma, emotional abuse, and chronic psychological manipulation create the same neurological patterns as combat PTSD. If untreated PTSD persists for six months, it begins to cause serious physical damage to the body.
I had been living with undiagnosed trauma for most of my life—childhood trauma layered with adult trauma—and I had no idea. My body was keeping the score of every violation, every manipulation, every moment of walking on eggshells.
The 13 Patterns That Give Us Language
When I finally encountered the 13 patterns of abuse, it was like someone had turned on a light in a room I'd been stumbling through in darkness. Suddenly, I had language for what I'd experienced. I could see that what happened to me wasn't just personality conflicts or communication problems—it was systematic abuse.
Having this language is crucial because:
It validates your experience and helps you trust your own perceptions
It gives you tools to recognize when manipulation is happening
It helps you communicate your situation to others who want to help
It breaks the power of gaslighting by giving you clear categories
It assists counselors and advocates in understanding your specific situation
If you can name it, it loses its power to control you.
While I won't reproduce the entire list here (as it requires careful guidance from qualified professionals), I can tell you that these patterns encompass:
Emotional manipulation that makes you question your own sanity
Financial control that creates dependency and limits your options
Social isolation that cuts you off from support systemsSpiritual abuse that uses God and Scripture as weapons
Sexual coercion that violates boundaries and dignity
Psychological warfare that systematically destroys your sense of self
When I first saw this list, I found myself checking off nearly every category. It was overwhelming and heartbreaking, but it was also liberating. For the first time, I had proof that I wasn't crazy, oversensitive, or making things up.
Beyond "He's Just Mean"
The language we use matters more than we often realize. When we minimize abuse by calling it "meanness" or "difficult behavior," we rob victims of the validation they need and the help they deserve.
Think about the difference between these descriptions:
Minimizing language: "He's just really controlling."
Accurate language: "He monitors my phone calls, controls our finances, and threatens consequences when I make decisions he doesn't approve of."
Minimizing language: "She can be really manipulative."
Accurate language: "She uses emotional manipulation, guilt, and threats of self-harm to control my behavior and decisions."
Minimizing language: "He has anger issues."
Accurate language: "He uses explosive anger and intimidation to silence disagreement and maintain control over our household."
When we have precise language for harmful behaviors, several things happen:
Others can better understand the severity of the situation
Professional helpers can provide more targeted assistance
The victim feels validated rather than dismissed
The behavior is exposed for what it really is rather than being excused
The Religious Disguise
One of the most painful aspects of my experience was how spiritual language and biblical concepts were weaponized against me. Abuse that hides behind religious language is particularly damaging because it not only wounds the victim but distorts their understanding of God's heart.
Common religious abuse patterns include:
Using submission passages to demand unquestioning obedience
Claiming that questioning leadership equals rebellion against God
Insisting that forgiveness means returning to harmful situations
Teaching that suffering in marriage is God's will for women
Presenting the abuser as God's representative who must be obeyed
When someone uses the Bible to justify treating you in ways that damage your soul, that's spiritual abuse. God's true nature is revealed through love, safety, honor, and mutual respect—not through domination, intimidation, or control.
The Awakening Process
If you're reading this and recognizing patterns in your own relationship, you might be in the early stages of awakening to your reality. This process can be disorienting because it means acknowledging that what you've accepted as normal is actually harmful.
Be gentle with yourself. It takes tremendous courage to face these truths.
Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is, even if you can't articulate why.
Seek safe community. Find people who will believe you and support your journey toward truth.
Get professional help. Qualified counselors who understand abuse dynamics can provide invaluable guidance.
Take your time. You don't have to make all your decisions immediately. Safety first.
The Importance of Validation
One of the most crucial things I learned is that validation matters. For too long, victims have been told they're overreacting, being too sensitive, or misunderstanding their partner's intentions.
But when patterns of behavior systematically diminish your sense of self, control your choices, and create an atmosphere of fear or anxiety, that's not a misunderstanding—that's abuse.
You deserve to have your experience acknowledged and taken seriously. You deserve to live without fear, without constantly managing someone else's emotions, without having to earn basic respect and dignity.
Hope for Healing
Understanding the patterns of abuse is often the first step toward freedom, but it's not the last. Healing from trauma—especially complex trauma that develops over years—is a journey that requires patience, support, and often professional guidance.
The brain can heal. Neuroplasticity means that the damage done by chronic stress and trauma can be reversed with the right interventions.
Community makes a difference. Connecting with others who understand your experience breaks the isolation that trauma creates.
Your story matters. Speaking your truth—when you're ready and in safe spaces—helps both your healing and potentially helps others recognize their own situations.
Recovery is possible. I've witnessed countless people rebuild their lives, rediscover their worth, and create healthy relationships after leaving abusive situations.
A Word to Those Who Want to Help
If someone in your life is describing relationship patterns that concern you, resist the urge to minimize their experience or rush them toward solutions. Instead:
Listen without judgment and believe what they're telling you
Ask what they need rather than assuming you know what's best
Respect their timeline for making decisions about their safety
Educate yourself about abuse dynamics so you can be a better support
Connect them with professionals who specialize in these situations
Remember: the average person leaves an abusive relationship seven times before they leave permanently. This isn't because they're weak or stupid—it's because leaving abuse is incredibly complex and dangerous.
Finding Your Voice
What I want most for anyone reading this is that you find your voice—that you develop language for your experience that honors the truth of what you've endured.
You don't have to minimize your pain to make others comfortable. You don't have to accept treatment that damages your soul just because it doesn't leave visible marks. You don't have to stay in relationships that require you to become smaller and smaller to survive.
Abuse is so much more than broken bones and bruises. And once you have language for what you've experienced, you can begin the journey toward freedom, healing, and relationships that honor the beautiful person God created you to be.
Your experience matters. Your pain is real. Your healing is possible. And your voice—when you're ready to use it—has the power to break cycles not just in your own life, but potentially in the lives of others who are still searching for words to describe their own reality.
Blessings,
Susan 😊