Beyond Hierarchical Parenting
I once had a conversation with a friend about the challenging situations we face as parents. We were discussing how to raise children who would grow into healthy, responsible adults. But as we talked, something struck me: how often the very parenting methods we use to prevent problems actually create the issues we're trying to avoid.
Power-centered parenting—the "because I'm the parent and I said so" approach—often produces the exact rebellion and dysfunction it's designed to prevent.
The Authority Trap
Most of us have been raised with the assumption that good parenting means maintaining clear authority structures. Children need to know who's in charge. They need to learn to submit to authority. Rules and consequences must be enforced consistently.
There's wisdom in some of this thinking. Young children do need boundaries. They need protection from their own poor judgment. A two-year-old can't be reasoned with about running into traffic.
But here's where we get trapped: we take necessary temporary measures and turn them into permanent relationship patterns. We confuse protection with control, guidance with domination.
The Suppressed Voice Epidemic
In my years of inner healing ministry, I've encountered countless adults whose voices were systematically suppressed as children. I'm talking about nearly 100% of people who come for healing.
Their childhood experiences follow similar patterns:
"Children should be seen and not heard"
"Don't question your parents"
"Because I said so" as the final answer to every discussion
Punishment for expressing disagreement or different perspectives
Emotional or physical intimidation to ensure compliance
The result? Adults who either can't find their voice at all, or whose voice only comes out in dysfunctional ways—through anger, manipulation, or emotional outbursts.
The Voice Distortion Problem
When children's voices are consistently suppressed, they don't just disappear. They get distorted.
Some children learn that the only way to be heard is to become shrill, hysterical, or explosive. If calm communication gets them dismissed, but tantrums get results, what do you think they'll choose?
We essentially train children to have tantrums—and then we wonder why we have adults having tantrums in marriages, workplaces, and churches.
Other children learn to manipulate from behind the scenes. If direct communication is shut down, they become masters of passive-aggressive control, emotional manipulation, or finding ways to get their needs met through deception.
We create exactly what we're trying to prevent: adults who can't communicate honestly, resolve conflict maturely, or participate in healthy relationships.
The Kingdom Alternative
But what if there's a different way? What if the same Kingdom principles that transform marriages can also transform parenting?
Instead of seeing parenting as maintaining hierarchical control, what if we saw it as progressively empowering children to make good decisions?
This doesn't mean treating a five-year-old like an adult or eliminating all boundaries. It means recognizing that our goal is raising children who can think, choose, and relate well—not children who simply comply with external authority.
Age-Appropriate Empowerment
In Kingdom-based parenting, we start giving children choices and voice very early—in age-appropriate ways.
Even young children can be given options: "Would you like to brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas first?" This isn't about letting them choose whether to follow bedtime routines, but giving them voice within necessary structures.
As children grow, their capacity for input increases. Pre-teens can participate in family decisions that affect them. Teenagers can be given significant freedom to make their own choices while still living under family values and expectations.
The goal is developing their internal decision-making capacity while they're still under our influence, not maintaining our control until they leave home and suddenly have to figure everything out on their own.
Beyond Roles to Relationship
Traditional authoritarian parenting focuses on roles: "I'm the parent, you're the child, therefore you obey." But Kingdom parenting focuses on relationship: "I love you, I'm responsible for you, and I want to help you grow into who God created you to be."
This shift changes everything:
Instead of demanding blind obedience, we explain our reasoning (when appropriate)
Instead of crushing disagreement, we teach respectful dialogue
Instead of using our size and power to intimidate, we use our maturity to guide
Instead of controlling behavior through fear, we cultivate character through love
The Sovereignty Problem
Much of authoritarian parenting stems from a distorted view of God's sovereignty. If we believe God rules through domination and forced compliance, we'll parent the same way.
But Jesus showed us something different. Even in His relationship with us, God doesn't override our will. He woos us, loves us, provides for us, and gives us choices. He grieves when we choose poorly, celebrates when we choose well, but He doesn't force our decisions.
If God Himself respects our agency and voice, shouldn't we do the same with our children—in age-appropriate ways?
Practical Transformation
What does this look like practically?
It means learning to say, "I need you to do this because..." instead of just "Because I said so."
It means validating children's feelings even when you can't change the circumstances: "I understand you don't want to go to bed right now, and I hear that you're frustrated. Sleep is still important for your growing body."
It means apologizing when we handle situations poorly instead of defending our authority: "I'm sorry I raised my voice. That wasn't respectful, and you deserve better from me."
It means gradually increasing their decision-making responsibility as they demonstrate wisdom: "You've been managing your homework well this year. Let's try giving you more freedom to choose when you do it."
Breaking Generational Cycles
One of the most damaging aspects of authoritarian parenting is how it perpetuates itself. Children raised under domination often become dominating adults, or they swing to the opposite extreme of permissiveness.
But when we parent from Kingdom principles, we break these cycles. We raise children who know how to:
Express their thoughts and feelings respectfully
Participate in family decisions appropriately
Resolve conflicts through dialogue rather than power plays
Submit to appropriate authority while maintaining their dignity
Lead others through service rather than control
The Long View
Kingdom parenting requires faith. It's often easier in the moment to simply impose our will than to take time for explanation, dialogue, and gradual empowerment.
But the long-term results speak for themselves. Children raised with voice and dignity become adults who can maintain healthy relationships. They don't have to spend years in therapy learning basic communication skills or recovering from suppressed voices.
They enter marriage, ministry, and leadership already knowing how to honor others while maintaining their own integrity—because that's what they experienced growing up.
A Different Legacy
The families that break free from hierarchical patterns don't just heal themselves—they become models for their communities. They show what Kingdom relationships can look like across all generations.
Their children grow up understanding that authority exists to serve and protect, not to dominate. They learn that submission is mutual respect, not powerless compliance. They experience what it means to be heard, valued, and gradually empowered.
This is how God's Kingdom advances—not through imposed systems, but through transformed relationships that demonstrate a better way.
The choice is ours: Will we perpetuate the patterns that wounded us, or will we embrace the Kingdom alternative that heals and empowers?
Our children—and their children—are waiting for our answer.
What patterns from your own childhood do you find yourself either repeating or rejecting in your parenting? Have you experienced the difference between authoritarian control and empowering guidance? I'd love to hear your insights on breaking generational cycles through Kingdom principles.
Blessings,
Susan 😊