The Problem with 'Someone Has to Be in Charge'

I once heard a story that completely transformed how I think about decision-making in relationships. Joe Gibbs, the legendary NFL coach and NASCAR team owner, was being interviewed about his book Race to Win. The interviewer mentioned that Gibbs had written about needing his wife's agreement on business decisions before moving forward.

"Yes," Gibbs replied, "but I also share in the book what I learned the hard way—that me talking her into agreeing with me never played out well. All of the big decisions I made where I convinced her to agree with me didn't work out. However, the ones where she was truly on board of her own volition—those were the ones that seemed to have the favor of the Lord."

This story captures something profound about God's design for relationships that we've largely missed in our obsession with hierarchical authority.

The Authority Assumption

When couples disagree, the immediate assumption in many Christian circles is that someone must have final authority to break the tie. "Someone has to make the decision," we're told. "That's why God made the husband the head of the house."

This assumption reveals how deeply we've been influenced by worldly power structures. We can't imagine decision-making outside a hierarchy where someone must have the trump card.

But what if this entire framework is wrong? What if disagreement isn't a problem requiring hierarchical solution but an opportunity for deeper wisdom?

The Wisdom Question

When Gregory and I disagree on important matters, we don't ask, "Who has the final say?" We ask, "How can we find God's wisdom together?"

If we can't agree, it usually means one of us is missing something—or we're both wrong and there's a third option we haven't considered. Why would we want to default to one person's limited perspective when we could seek God's unlimited wisdom instead?

The question isn't "Who's in charge?" but "Who's right?" And sometimes the answer is neither of us.

Beyond Manipulation

The Joe Gibbs story highlights a crucial distinction: there's a vast difference between manufactured agreement and genuine unity.

I can talk Gregory into agreeing with me. I can use emotional pressure, logical arguments, or even manipulation disguised as submission. But that's not true agreement—it's coercion wearing a mask.

Similarly, Gregory could use his physical presence, his role as "head of house," or cultural expectations to pressure me into compliance. But again, that's not unity—it's dominance.

True agreement means both parties genuinely embrace the decision with their whole hearts. Both own the outcome. Both are fully invested in making it work.

The Patience of Wisdom

This approach often requires something hierarchical decision-making doesn't: patience.

When we can't agree on big decisions, we wait. We pray. We seek counsel. We remain open to Holy Spirit showing us what we're missing.

This might sound inefficient to those trained in corporate-style leadership. But how efficient is it to make decisions that don't work out? How much time and heartache could be saved by waiting for genuine consensus rather than forcing premature resolution?

Most of the time, the "urgent" decisions that seem to require immediate hierarchical resolution actually don't need to be made right now. The pressure to decide quickly often comes from anxiety, not wisdom.

Practical Wisdom

Now, I'm not talking about every small decision requiring extended consultation. Gregory and I naturally defer to each other's areas of expertise and interest. I'm not going to make him get my approval for what tools to buy. He's not going to insist on having input into every business decision.

We're talking about the significant choices that affect both of us or our family. Major purchases, ministry directions, where to live, how to handle challenging family situations—these deserve the wisdom of both perspectives.

And here's what we've discovered: when we both truly have peace about a decision, it almost always works out well. When one of us has been convinced against our initial instincts, we often end up wishing we'd listened to that hesitation.

The Strength to Wait

It actually takes more strength to wait for true agreement than to impose a decision. It requires humility to admit you might not have the full picture. It demands faith to trust that God will guide you to unity rather than forcing resolution through human hierarchy.

But this patience produces something beautiful: decisions that both partners fully own and support. No blame-shifting when things go wrong. No resentment about being overruled. Just shared wisdom and shared responsibility.

Beyond Gender

This principle extends far beyond marriage. In business partnerships, church leadership, and even parenting, the question remains: Are we seeking to impose our will or discover God's wisdom together?

Some of the most dysfunctional organizations I've encountered have been those where "someone has to be in charge" became an excuse to avoid the harder work of seeking genuine consensus and shared vision.

The most thriving communities are those where leadership flows naturally based on gifting, wisdom, and calling—not predetermined hierarchies based on gender, position, or tradition.

The Kingdom Alternative

Jesus modeled a completely different approach to decision-making. He spent whole nights in prayer before choosing disciples (Luke 6:12-13, NKJV). He consistently sought the Father's will rather than asserting His own authority (John 5:19, NKJV).

Even within the Trinity, we see mutual submission rather than hierarchical decision-making. The Father sends the Son, but the Son willingly comes. Holy Spirit proceeds from both Father and Son, speaking not His own words but what He hears (John 16:13, NKJV).

This is our model: relationships characterized by mutual honor, mutual submission, and shared pursuit of wisdom rather than individual assertion of authority.

The Fear Behind the Question

I suspect the insistence that "someone must decide" often comes from fear—fear of chaos, fear of inefficiency, fear of losing control.

But God's Kingdom operates on different principles than the world's systems. In His Kingdom, wisdom emerges through community, strength comes through submission, and unity produces results that individual authority never could.

As Joe Gibbs discovered, the decisions that have "the favor of the Lord" are those made through genuine partnership, not manufactured compliance.

An Invitation to Try

If you're in a marriage or partnership built on hierarchical decision-making, I understand this might sound threatening or impractical. But what if you experimented with seeking genuine agreement instead of defaulting to authority?

What if, the next time you disagree, instead of asking "Who's right?" you asked "What are we missing?"

You might discover, as Gregory and I have, that God's wisdom is bigger than either of your individual perspectives—and that true unity produces results that command structure never could.

The goal isn't efficiency or control. The goal is walking together in the wisdom and favor of the Lord.

Have you experienced the difference between true agreement and manufactured compliance in your relationships? What happens when you wait for genuine consensus versus forcing decisions? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Blessings,
Susan 😊