Breaking Free from Trauma Bonding

I said it countless times over the years: "If it was all bad, I would have left a long time ago. We have a lot of great times too."

Those words became my defense mechanism, my way of explaining to myself—and others—why I stayed in a marriage that was slowly destroying me. Because it wasn't all bad. There were genuinely wonderful moments, times when I felt loved and cherished, periods when our relationship seemed like everything I'd dreamed it could be.

But those good times weren't evidence that my marriage was healthy. They were actually one of the most effective tools keeping me trapped.

The Power of Intermittent Reinforcement

Psychologists have discovered something fascinating: intermittent reinforcement creates stronger behavioral patterns than consistent reinforcement. In simple terms, unpredictable rewards are more addictive than predictable ones.

Think about gambling. If slot machines paid out every time, people would get bored quickly. But because they pay out just often enough to keep hope alive—unpredictably, sporadically—they become powerfully addictive. Players keep pulling that lever, chasing the next win.

Abusive relationships work the same way. If your partner was horrible all the time, you'd leave. But when kindness comes unpredictably—after periods of tension, criticism, or fear—it creates an emotional high that's incredibly powerful.

Those moments of warmth after coldness, affection after rejection, peace after chaos—they become addictive. You start living for them, hoping for them, working to earn them.

The Cycle That Holds You Hostage

Most abusive relationships follow a predictable cycle, though the people living it often don't recognize the pattern:

Tension Building: Something isn't right. You can feel it in the air. Maybe they're moody, critical, or distant. You start walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an explosion. The atmosphere becomes thick with unspoken conflict.

Crisis/Explosion: The tension breaks. It might be yelling, silent treatment, accusations, threats, or actual violence. You feel like you're under attack, desperately trying to defend yourself or just survive the storm.

Reconciliation/Honeymoon: Suddenly, they're sorry. They're sweet again. They bring flowers, make promises, tell you how much they love you. This is the person you fell in love with! This is who they really are underneath it all!

Calm/Normal: Things feel stable. You start to relax, thinking maybe this time is different. Maybe they've really changed. Maybe the crisis was just a fluke.

Then the tension starts building again.

The honeymoon phase is what keeps you hooked. Those moments of genuine connection and love feel so real—and they are real, in a sense. But they're not sustainable because they're not rooted in genuine change or health. They're just part of the cycle.

Why Your Heart Gets Confused

During those good times, your partner isn't pretending to love you. They probably do love you, in their limited, broken way. But their love is conditional, unpredictable, and mixed with control.

This creates something called trauma bonding—an intense emotional attachment that forms between a person and their abuser. The very person causing you pain becomes the same person providing relief from that pain. Your nervous system literally gets addicted to the cycle.

You start measuring love by the intensity of the highs rather than the consistency of kindness. Drama feels like passion. Chaos feels normal. Peace feels boring.

I remember thinking Gregory was "too easy" when we first started dating. Where was the excitement? The intensity? The emotional roller coaster I'd learned to associate with love?

It took time for me to understand that healthy love is steady. It's safe. It doesn't require you to earn it through perfect behavior or survive crises to appreciate it.

The Manipulation of Gratitude

One of the cruelest aspects of the cycle is how it makes you grateful for basic decency. When someone has been cold, critical, or cruel, even small acts of kindness feel overwhelming.

They bring you coffee without being asked, and you're flooded with gratitude—forgetting that partners should naturally want to serve each other.

They have a conversation without criticizing you, and you feel relief—overlooking that criticism shouldn't be normal in the first place.

They're gentle during an argument, and you feel blessed—ignoring that the argument started because they were being unreasonable.

You become grateful for crumbs when you deserve a feast.

The Truth About Control

Here's what took me years to understand: abusers can control their behavior. They choose when to be kind and when to be cruel. It's not that they "can't help themselves" or that you're "pushing their buttons."

My former husband could be charming and delightful when it served his purposes—with his friends, his boss, people he wanted to impress. But at home, he felt free to let his darkness out.

The good times weren't evidence of his true character shining through. They were evidence of his ability to choose his behavior—which made the bad times even more devastating, because it meant he was choosing to hurt me.

This is why the cycle is so effective as a control mechanism. It keeps you hoping, trying, working to bring back the good person you know they can be. But that good person isn't hidden underneath waiting to emerge—it's a performance they put on when it benefits them.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

Recognizing the cycle is the first step to breaking free from it. When you can see the pattern, it loses some of its power over you.

Questions to ask yourself:

• Do the good times require you to earn them through perfect behavior?

• Are you walking on eggshells to maintain peace?

• Do you find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior because they can be so wonderful?

• Are you constantly trying to get back to how things were during the honeymoon period?

• Do you feel like you're addicted to the highs and lows of your relationship?

If you answered yes to several of these questions, you might be caught in the cycle of an abusive relationship.

What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like

After years in that roller coaster relationship, being with Gregory felt almost boring at first. Where was the drama? The intensity? The emotional highs and lows?

But I slowly learned what healthy love actually looks like:

• Consistency in how you're treated

• Kindness that doesn't have to be earned

• Respect that doesn't disappear during disagreements

• Safety that doesn't depend on your perfect behavior

• Love that doesn't use fear as a motivator

• Peace that isn't just the absence of conflict

Healthy relationships have their challenges, but they don't have cycles of abuse. When conflicts arise, they're resolved through communication and compromise, not through one person dominating the other.

The good times in a healthy relationship aren't relief from pain—they're the natural result of two people who genuinely care about each other's wellbeing.

God's Design for Love

Scripture tells us that "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18, ESV). If your relationship is characterized by fear—fear of setting them off, fear of losing the good times, fear of being alone—then it's not reflecting God's design for love.

God's love is steadfast. It doesn't come and go based on our performance. It doesn't create cycles of punishment and reward to keep us in line. It's consistently faithful, always working for our good.

Human love will never be perfect, but it should reflect something of God's character. It should be more reliable than chaotic, more peaceful than dramatic, more consistent than unpredictable.

Breaking the Addiction

If you recognize yourself in this cycle, please know that breaking free is possible—but it often requires help. The trauma bonding is real, and it creates genuine chemical addiction in your brain.

Consider:

• Working with a counselor who understands abuse dynamics

• Joining a support group for people in similar situations

• Reading books about trauma bonding and abuse recovery

• Surrounding yourself with people who model healthy relationships

Most importantly, start paying attention to patterns rather than isolated incidents. Don't let the good times erase the bad ones. Both are part of who your partner is—and you deserve someone whose love doesn't require you to survive their darkness to appreciate their light.

The roller coaster might feel exciting, but you weren't meant to live your life holding on for dear life. God's Kingdom offers something better: the steady, faithful, consistent love that creates real security and genuine peace.

You don't have to keep riding the ride. You can choose to get off.

Blessings,
Susan 😊