When "That's Just Our Culture" Becomes a Weapon

"All the men in my culture flirt with other women." "In our culture, wives serve their husbands without question." "This is just how people from my background show love." "You wouldn't understand—it's a cultural thing."

Sound familiar? If you've ever heard statements like these used to justify harmful behavior in a relationship, you've witnessed one of the more subtle forms of abuse: using culture as a weapon of control and manipulation.

Culture is a beautiful thing. It gives us identity, traditions, and connection to something larger than ourselves. Our different backgrounds should enrich our relationships, bringing diverse perspectives and experiences that make us stronger together.

But when culture becomes an excuse for harm, when it's used to silence questions or justify mistreatment, it's no longer about honoring heritage—it's about control.

The Difference Between Honoring Culture and Weaponizing It

In healthy relationships, cultural differences are discussed openly. Both partners work to understand and respect each other's backgrounds. There's a genuine desire to honor what's meaningful while building something new together.

I've seen couples navigate different cultural expectations beautifully—discussing everything from holiday traditions to parenting approaches to financial responsibilities. They don't always agree, but they approach their differences with mutual respect and a commitment to finding solutions that honor both perspectives.

But I've also seen culture weaponized in devastating ways:

Isolation: Using language as a barrier. Speaking in another language about someone when they're present, making them feel excluded and paranoid. Refusing to help your partner learn your language so they remain dependent and isolated from your family and community.

Shame: Constantly criticizing your partner's culture while elevating your own. "Americans are so selfish and materialistic." "People from your country don't understand respect." "My family would never behave that way."

Control: Using cultural expectations to dictate behavior without discussion. "In my culture, women don't work outside the home." "Men from my background expect dinner on the table when they come home." "Good wives in our culture never question their husbands."

Justification: Excusing harmful behavior by claiming it's culturally normal. "All men in my country have affairs—wives just accept it." "Physical discipline is how we show we care in our culture." "Jealousy and possessiveness mean a man loves you in our tradition."

The pattern is always the same: culture becomes a trump card that ends conversation rather than enriching it.

When Culture Becomes an Excuse for Harm

Here's what I've learned: healthy people from any culture want to treat their partners well. They may express love differently, they may have different expectations about roles and responsibilities, but they don't want to hurt the person they've chosen to build a life with.

When someone consistently uses their cultural background to justify behavior that causes pain, damages trust, or creates fear, they're not honoring their heritage—they're abusing it.

I remember counseling a woman whose husband constantly brought up how wives were treated in "the old country" whenever she expressed concerns about his behavior. If she objected to him coming home drunk and verbally abusive, he'd lecture her about how wives in his culture respected their husbands. If she wanted to work outside the home, suddenly it became about how women in his family had always been dedicated to home and children.

But here's what was interesting: when we dug deeper, we discovered that his own mother had worked, his sisters were professionals, and his father had never been abusive. The "cultural tradition" he kept referencing was selectively chosen to justify behavior that wouldn't have been acceptable in his actual family of origin.

He was creating a mythical version of his culture that served his need to control his wife.

The Cultural Context of Scripture

This same pattern shows up in how some people use Scripture to justify abuse. They'll quote verses about submission or headship while ignoring everything the Bible says about love, gentleness, and mutual respect.

As I discuss in BLIND SPOT, we have to understand that Paul and Peter were writing to specific cultural contexts. When they instructed wives to submit and slaves to obey, they weren't endorsing those power structures for all time—they were showing believers how to live with integrity within imperfect systems while planting seeds that would eventually transform them.

The gospel has always been counter-cultural when it comes to power dynamics. Jesus consistently elevated the marginalized and challenged systems of domination. When we use Scripture to reinforce harmful hierarchies, we're missing the point entirely.

Just as we now understand that Paul wasn't endorsing slavery for all time, we must recognize that his instructions about marriage were given within a specific cultural framework that God's Kingdom was meant to transform, not perpetuate.

God's Kingdom Transcends All Cultures

Here's the beautiful truth: God's Kingdom isn't Western or Eastern, traditional or modern, conservative or progressive. It's something entirely different—a realm where love serves rather than dominates, where strength protects rather than controls, where differences enrich rather than divide.

In God's Kingdom:

• No culture's harmful practices are excused or justified

• Every person is valued regardless of gender, ethnicity, or background

• Love never uses fear, shame, or manipulation as tools

• Mutual honor transcends traditional power structures

• Truth matters more than preserving appearances

When Jesus said "My kingdom is not of this world" (John 18:36, ESV), He wasn't just making a statement about geography—He was introducing an entirely different way of relating to one another that transcends all cultural boundaries.

Healthy Cultural Navigation in Relationships

So how do couples from different backgrounds navigate their differences without falling into these patterns? Here are some principles I've observed in healthy cross-cultural relationships:

Open Communication: Both partners feel free to ask questions about each other's traditions and expectations without fear of judgment or retaliation.

Mutual Education: Each person makes an effort to understand their partner's background, not to control or change it, but to appreciate who they are.

Willing Adaptation: Both individuals are open to adopting positive aspects of their partner's culture while maintaining their own identity.

Clear Boundaries: Neither person uses their cultural background to justify behavior that hurts their partner or violates their shared values.

Shared Decision-Making: Cultural expectations are discussed and negotiated, not imposed unilaterally.

Honor Without Harm: Traditions are maintained in ways that build up the relationship rather than tearing it down.

Red Flags to Watch For

If you're in a cross-cultural relationship, be aware of these warning signs:

• Your partner refuses to explain their cultural practices when you ask honest questions

• Cultural expectations are sprung on you after commitment rather than discussed beforehand

• You're told you "wouldn't understand" whenever you express concerns

• Your own cultural background is consistently criticized or minimized

• Cultural differences are used to justify behavior that would be considered abusive regardless of background

• You feel isolated from your partner's family/community despite efforts to connect

• Religious or cultural authority figures are used to pressure you into accepting harmful treatment

Breaking Free from Cultural Control

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, please know that honoring your partner's culture doesn't require accepting abuse. God's design for marriage transcends all cultural boundaries, and no tradition—no matter how ancient or revered—gives someone the right to harm you.

You can respect your partner's heritage while still maintaining your dignity and safety. You can appreciate cultural differences while refusing to be controlled by them.

The Kingdom of God calls us higher than the kingdoms of this world—whether those kingdoms are rooted in ancient traditions or modern values. In His Kingdom, love always seeks the highest good of the beloved. It never uses culture, religion, or tradition as weapons of control.

If someone truly loves you, they will want to share their culture with you as a gift, not impose it on you as a burden. They will want you to understand their background so you can appreciate who they are, not so you'll accept who they're not supposed to be.

Culture should unite us, not be used to divide and control us. In God's Kingdom, our diverse backgrounds become part of the beautiful tapestry of His love, not tools for domination or harm.

Your cultural differences can be one of the greatest strengths in your relationship—but only when they're rooted in mutual respect, open communication, and genuine love. Anything less isn't honoring culture; it's abusing it.

And you deserve better than that, no matter what culture you come from.

Blessings,
Susan 😊