Breaking the Religious Formula: Why There's No One-Size-Fits-All Marriage Model
Religion loves formulas. Take these steps, follow these rules, implement this system, and you'll get the desired result. It's appealing because formulas feel safe, predictable, and controllable. But when we try to turn Kingdom principles into rigid formulas, we often end up missing the whole point.
I learned this the hard way when I realized there's no formula for a thriving marriage—there's only relationship, process, and being led by the Spirit.
The Formula Trap
For years, I thought I had the marriage formula figured out: Woman submits to man, man leads family, roles are clearly defined by gender, follow the steps, get the blessed result. I even served in a large marriage ministry devoted to teaching these traditional principles, believing that if I just submitted correctly and poured into other marriages, I could transform my own.
Twenty years later, that marriage ended.
The problem wasn't that I didn't follow the formula correctly—it was that I was trying to apply a one-size-fits-all system to a unique, living relationship. I was treating marriage like a math problem when it's actually more like a dance.
When Scripture Becomes a Straightjacket
Take Titus 2:4-5 (NSAB), for example, where Paul instructs older women to teach younger women to "love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands." Religious systems often turn this into a universal mandate: all women must be homemakers, all wives must be submissive, this is God's unchanging design for all marriages everywhere.
But when we read this in context, we see something different. Paul is addressing specific cultural situations where women had limited options. What else was a woman going to do for work in that culture? Very few could be like the Proverbs 31 woman who owned businesses and did real estate, or like Lydia the seller of purple in Philippi. These were exceptional cases because women weren't even allowed to conduct business with most people.
Paul isn't creating a timeless formula—he's giving practical wisdom for people living within cultural constraints while planting seeds of Kingdom transformation that would eventually change those very constraints.
The Problem with "Should"
The moment we turn biblical principles into rigid "shoulds," we've moved from Kingdom relationship to religious rule-keeping. And rule-keeping doesn't release Kingdom power—it actually prevents it.
I can submit to my husband, tithe faithfully, and obey every law while feeling hollow, resentful, or simply going through the motions. None of those Kingdom principles will release their transformative power unless I'm doing them from the spirit of "I get to" rather than "I have to."
This is why I don't believe tithing is a law. If I make it a law, I might go through the ritual of giving 10% every week, but I'm not releasing Kingdom power. It has to flow from relationship with God, from hearing His voice and responding out of love rather than obligation.
Different Seasons, Different Approaches
Gregory and I have discovered that healthy marriage requires flexibility, not formulas. Our relationship has gone through multiple seasons, each requiring different approaches:
The Crisis Season: Early in our marriage, I went through a period where I wasn't well and couldn't work. Gregory carried us 100% financially without complaint. No formula could have prepared us for that—it required love, patience, and mutual support.
The Building Season: When I created Dewbrew Realty and was working intense hours to build the business, our household rhythms had to shift completely. I wasn't cooking dinner most nights, and Gregory never made me feel guilty about it. We adapted to what the season required.
The Grandparenting Season: We're currently raising our granddaughter again. The division of responsibilities looks nothing like it did when we were newlyweds. We're both all-in with parenting duties based on who's available and what she needs, not based on predetermined gender roles.
No marriage formula could account for all these variables. What works is staying connected to each other and to God, communicating openly, and being willing to adapt as life changes.
The Danger of Religious Rules
When we turn Kingdom principles into religious rules, several things happen:
We stop listening to the Holy Spirit and start following human systems
We judge others who don't fit our formula
We create guilt and shame when people can't meet artificial standards
We miss God's heart for the specific situation
We prevent transformation by focusing on external compliance rather than heart change
I've seen marriages destroyed by formula-thinking. Couples who were so focused on following the "biblical model" that they stopped actually loving each other. Women who were so committed to submission that they enabled abuse. Men who were so concerned with being the "head" that they forgot to be servants.
Spirit-Led Relationships
What does it look like to have a Spirit-led marriage instead of a formula-driven one? It means:
Praying together about decisions rather than defaulting to "the husband decides"
Listening to each other's wisdom rather than dismissing input based on gender
Adapting to seasons rather than rigidly maintaining roles
Serving each other based on love rather than obligation
Communicating openly rather than assuming predetermined expectations
Growing together rather than staying locked in fixed patterns
This approach requires more faith because you can't control the outcome. You have to trust God to guide you through relationship rather than relying on human systems to guarantee results.
The Freedom of No Formula
One of the most liberating realizations in my marriage journey was discovering that Gregory and I didn't have to fit anyone else's template. We didn't have to organize our household like his parents did or mine did. We didn't have to follow the marriage books or conference models. We just had to love God, love each other, and let the Holy Spirit lead us into what worked for our unique partnership.
This doesn't mean "anything goes" or that biblical principles don't matter. It means that principles are lived out differently in different relationships and different seasons. The principle of mutual submission is constant; how it looks practically varies based on countless factors.
When Formulas Fail
I've counseled countless couples who were following all the "right" formulas but whose marriages were dying. The husband was "leading," the wife was "submitting," roles were clearly defined—but there was no life, no joy, no authentic connection.
Formulas can't create love. They can't generate genuine respect. They can't produce the fruit of the Spirit in relationships. Only the Holy Spirit can do that, and He works through relationship, not regulation.
The Process of Growth
Gregory and I often joke that we could tell lots of stories of how we've done marriage well and how we've done it badly, because we're still growing. We've been married 14 years, and we're still learning, still adjusting, still discovering new ways to love each other better.
This is what authentic relationship looks like—not perfection achieved through formula-following, but growth experienced through grace-filled partnership. Every disagreement becomes an opportunity to learn to listen while frustrated. Every season change becomes a chance to adapt and grow together.
What Actually Works
If there's no formula, then what guidance can we offer? Here's what we've learned actually works:
Both people all-in: Not 50/50 where you do your part and I'll do mine, but 100/100 where we're both fully committed to whatever needs to be done.
Mutual yielding: Both partners willing to defer to the other's wisdom, expertise, or needs in different situations.
Regular communication: Talking through expectations, frustrations, and dreams rather than assuming the other person should just know.
Flexibility: Recognizing that what worked last season might not work this season, and that's okay.
Grace for the process: Understanding that both people are works in progress and extending patience when we fall short.
Spirit-led decisions: Praying together and waiting for peace rather than forcing choices or defaulting to hierarchy.
The Kingdom Way
In God's Kingdom, relationships aren't about control—they're about connection. They're not about following rules—they're about following love. They're not about maintaining systems—they're about releasing transformation.
When we try to reduce marriage to a formula, we often end up with something that looks Christian on the outside but lacks the life-giving power of authentic Kingdom relationship. We get compliance without connection, submission without joy, leadership without love.
But when we approach marriage as a Spirit-led partnership between two people committed to mutual honor and service, something beautiful emerges. Not perfection, but progress. Not a system, but a sanctuary. Not a formula, but a flourishing relationship that reflects the very heart of God.
An Invitation to Freedom
If you've been trying to make your marriage fit someone else's formula and it's not working, I want to give you permission to stop. You don't have to organize your household like the pastor's family or the couple in the marriage book. You don't have to force yourselves into roles that don't fit your personalities, gifts, or circumstances.
Instead, start with love. Ask God to show you how to love each other better. Listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance for your unique partnership. Communicate with your spouse about what's working and what isn't. Be willing to adapt, grow, and change as needed.
The goal isn't to follow a perfect formula—it's to create a thriving relationship that honors God and brings out the best in both of you. And that looks different for every couple, in every season, in every circumstance.
That's not chaos—that's the beautiful diversity of Kingdom relationships, each one uniquely designed to reflect God's love in the world.
What formulas have you tried to apply to your relationships? How might approaching your marriage as a Spirit-led partnership change things? What would it look like to focus on love and growth rather than rule-following?
Blessings,
Susan 😊