From Performance to Partnership: Healing the Wounds of Hierarchical Thinking
I spent years walking on eggshells, constantly praying that none of them would crack and make him mad. In my first marriage, I was often pressured through emotional or physical intimidation to do his will. When you live in a home like that, you and your children are always measuring your words, monitoring your actions, trying to keep the "powerful one" happy.
This is what dominance-based hierarchy does to relationships—it turns love into performance, partnership into power struggle, and home into a place where only one person's emotions matter.
If you've lived this reality, you know the exhaustion of it. But more than that, you know the spiritual damage it causes. When earthly relationships are built on dominance and control, they distort our understanding of God's heart and wound our capacity for authentic intimacy.
The Spiritual Damage of Dominance
Hierarchical thinking doesn't just harm marriages—it fundamentally distorts our view of God. When we're taught that authority means control, that leadership requires submission, and that love includes intimidation, we unconsciously project these dynamics onto our heavenly Father.
I spent years relating to God as a demanding master who required perfect performance rather than as a loving Father who delights in relationship. I measured my worth by how well I followed the rules instead of resting in His love for who I am.
This is one of the most tragic consequences of dominance-based systems: they make it nearly impossible to receive God's unconditional love because we're always trying to earn what's freely given.
When the Church Reflects the World
The heartbreaking reality is that instead of the Church transforming the world's power structures, we've often adopted them. We've taken the world's pyramid-style hierarchies and baptized them with Christian language.
"In Revelation 17, John describes a woman riding a beast—a religious system that has compromised with worldly power, making unholy alliances to maintain control and influence (Rev. 17:1-6, NASB). This image haunts me because I see how easily faith communities can slip into the same patterns: using spiritual language to justify dominance, claiming divine authority for human power structures, and creating systems that serve those at the top while suppressing those at the bottom."
The woman represents what happens when religious institutions adopt the world's empire-like systems instead of Christ's revolutionary model of servant leadership.
The Wounds That Linger
Even after leaving destructive relationships or environments, the wounds of hierarchical thinking can linger for years. These wounds show up as:
Hypervigilance: Always scanning for signs of disapproval or anger
People-pleasing: Inability to express authentic thoughts or needs
Perfectionism: Believing your worth depends on flawless performance
Difficulty with authority: Either blind submission or total rebellion
Spiritual confusion: Mixing God's love with human control patterns
Identity crisis: Not knowing who you are apart from your role or function
Trust issues: Inability to believe someone could love you without conditions
These wounds don't heal overnight, and they often resurface in new relationships even when the other person is safe and loving.
The Healing Journey
My journey from performance to partnership didn't happen instantly. Even with Gregory's incredible patience and Christ-like love, I carried wounds from years of living under dominance-based systems.
In the early years of our marriage, I would sometimes brace myself for anger that never came. I would over-explain simple decisions, anticipating criticism that Gregory never offered. I would apologize for things that weren't wrong, expecting punishment that he never considered.
Gregory's consistent gentleness slowly convinced my nervous system that I was safe. His genuine delight in my thoughts and opinions taught me that I had value beyond my performance. His celebration of my successes showed me that love doesn't require me to stay small.
But healing required more than just a safe relationship—it required actively choosing to believe new truths about myself, about love, and about God.
Relearning Love
One of the most difficult parts of healing from hierarchical thinking is relearning what love actually looks like. When you've experienced love mixed with control, intimidation, or conditional approval, genuine love can feel foreign—even scary.
Real love:
Doesn't require you to earn it through performance
Celebrates your growth rather than demanding your diminishment
Creates safety for authenticity rather than requiring a facade
Empowers rather than controls
Serves rather than demands service
Honors your voice rather than silencing it
Delights in your gifts rather than feeling threatened by them
Gregory models this kind of love daily. When I achieve something significant in my business or ministry, his first response is pride and celebration—never jealousy or the need to assert his own importance. When I disagree with him, he listens carefully rather than shutting down the conversation. When I'm struggling with something, he offers support rather than criticism.
This is what Christ-like love looks like, and it has the power to heal wounds that dominance-based relationships create.
Breaking Generational Patterns
One of the most important aspects of moving from performance to partnership is breaking cycles that have been passed down through generations. Many of us inherited hierarchical thinking from families where it was normalized, even celebrated as "biblical" or "traditional."
Breaking these patterns isn't just about improving our own relationships—it's about changing the legacy we pass to the next generation. When our granddaughter sees Gregory and me functioning as true partners, she's learning that relationships can be built on mutual respect rather than power dynamics.
When she sees Gregory doing dishes without being asked, she learns that household responsibilities aren't gender-specific. When she sees me pursuing my calling with his full support, she learns that women's dreams matter. When she watches us navigate disagreements with patience and mutual submission, she's getting a template for healthy conflict resolution.
This is how transformation spreads—not through preaching about it, but through living it so authentically that others can see there's a better way.
The Difference Partnership Makes
The contrast between my first marriage and my marriage with Gregory isn't just about having a "nicer" husband. It's about the difference between two completely different systems of relating.
In a dominance-based system:
One person's emotions dominate the household atmosphere
Decisions flow from authority rather than wisdom
Love is conditional on good behavior
Conflict means someone wins and someone loses
Growth threatens the existing power structure
Authenticity is risky because it might displease the authority figure
In a partnership-based system:
Both people's emotions and needs matter
Decisions emerge from mutual wisdom and prayer
Love is unconditional and consistent
Conflict is an opportunity for deeper understanding
Growth is celebrated and encouraged
Authenticity is welcomed because it deepens intimacy
The difference isn't just practical—it's spiritual. Partnership-based relationships reflect God's heart in ways that hierarchical ones never can.
Hope for the Wounded
If you're reading this from a place of woundedness—whether from marriage, family, church, or other authority relationships—I want you to know that healing is possible. The damage done by dominance-based systems is real, but it's not permanent.
God's design for relationships is restoration, not domination. His heart is for mutual love, honor, and submission—not hierarchy, control, and fear. What you've experienced in broken human systems is not a reflection of His character or His intentions for your life.
The journey to healing may take time. You may need counseling, spiritual support, safe relationships, and lots of patience with yourself. But I can testify from experience that it's possible to move from performance to partnership, from fear to freedom, from surviving to thriving.
A New Vision
Sometimes people ask me if teaching mutual submission will weaken marriages and families. I understand the concern, especially if you've only known relationships built on hierarchy. The idea of partnership can feel chaotic when you're used to clear chains of command.
But I've experienced both systems, and I can tell you: partnership makes relationships stronger, not weaker. When both people know their voice matters, they're more willing to communicate honestly. When both people feel valued for who they are, they're more motivated to grow. When both people are empowered to use their gifts, the relationship becomes more resilient and dynamic.
Mutual submission doesn't create chaos—it creates the kind of loving order that reflects God's own nature.
The Kingdom Alternative
As believers, we have the opportunity to demonstrate a completely different way of relating. We can show the world what relationships look like when they're built on love rather than fear, service rather than domination, mutual honor rather than hierarchy.
This isn't just about having better marriages—it's about advancing God's Kingdom. Every relationship that moves from performance to partnership is a small victory against the enemy's lies about power and love. Every family that embraces mutual submission is a light in a world darkened by dominance and control.
We have the chance to be part of the fall of Babylon's system and the rise of Kingdom reality. It starts in our homes, with our relationships, in the daily choice to love as Christ loved—not by demanding submission but by inspiring it through sacrificial service.
An Invitation to Healing
Whether you're currently in a destructive relationship, healing from past wounds, or simply wanting to build healthier patterns for the future, the journey from performance to partnership is possible.
It starts with understanding that you are beloved—not for what you do, but for who you are. It continues with choosing safe relationships that reflect God's heart. And it flourishes as you learn to give and receive love without conditions, control, or performance requirements.
The wounds of dominance-based thinking run deep, but God's healing goes deeper. His design for relationships is more beautiful than anything the enemy has stolen, and it's never too late to begin again.
What wounds from hierarchical thinking are you still healing from? How have you experienced the difference between performance-based and partnership-based relationships? What does healing look like in your journey?
Blessings,
Susan 😊