Breaking the Silence: Why We Don't Talk About Abuse in Church
The statistics hit me like a physical blow. Domestic violence is the third leading cause of death for African American women in the United States. The third leading cause. Not cancer. Not heart disease. Domestic violence—by people who are supposed to love and protect them.
For Native American women, it's the fifth leading cause. For Caucasian women, the seventh. This means that one of the main reasons women are dying in our country is by intimate abuse—killed by the very people who promised to cherish them.
I stared at those numbers and felt something break open inside me. These aren't just statistics. These are daughters, mothers, sisters. These are women sitting in our church pews every Sunday, smiling and saying they're fine when asked how they're doing.
And we're not talking about it.
My Own Journey from Blindness to Sight
When I first began studying abuse patterns, I thought I understood what abuse looked like. I knew my first marriage wasn't healthy—I knew it wasn't good—but I honestly didn't comprehend how abusive it was until I began seeing specific patterns laid out clearly.
That was my aha moment. I went through Sarah McDougall's 13 patterns of domestic violence and found myself checking off box after box. Not all of them—you don't need to fit all of them to be in a highly abusive relationship—but enough to make me realize I'd been living in something I'd never fully named.
I knew something was wrong, but I didn't have the language for it. And without language, I couldn't find the way out.
My daughter Jacqueline has this brilliant insight that brings light to so many situations: "Where there is no clarity, spirits roam freely." When we become disoriented or unclear about what's really happening, the enemy can just play havoc. He can bring negative influence and confusion because we don't have the tools to recognize and resist it.
But where there's clarity—when the light gets turned on—he has no power. He simply can't operate in the light.
The Church's Dangerous Silence
The church should be the safest place on earth for hurting people. It should be where victims find refuge and abusers find accountability and healing. Instead, too often it becomes a place where abuse gets spiritual justification.
How many times have we heard:
"Submit to your husband as unto the Lord"—used to keep women trapped
"God hates divorce"—spoken to someone whose life is in danger
"You need to forgive and move on"—said to silence someone trying to get help
"Marriage is sacred"—while ignoring that it's become a battlefield
We've taken beautiful biblical truths about marriage and submission and twisted them into weapons that protect abusers and silence victims. We've become more concerned with preserving the appearance of intact families than actually protecting the vulnerable people within them.
The result? Abuse thrives in our silence.
The Power of Secrets vs. the Freedom of Truth
Abuse cannot survive in the light. It requires secrecy, confusion, and isolation to maintain its grip. That's why abusers work so hard to keep their victims from talking to others about what's really happening at home.
"Don't air our dirty laundry in public." "This is between us and God." "You're being disloyal to our family." "No one would understand our situation."
These aren't expressions of healthy privacy—they're the tools of control.
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy protects what's sacred and beautiful. Secrecy protects what's shameful and harmful. When you can't talk to a trusted counselor, pastor, or friend about what's happening in your relationship because you're afraid or ashamed, you're keeping secrets, not maintaining privacy.
The enemy can only win when things are hidden in darkness. When abuse is brought out to the light, God can bring healing, and the enemy cannot stand in the light.
Breaking the Cycle Starts with Breaking the Silence
As I've studied abuse patterns and walked my own journey toward healing, I've realized something profound: the first step to freedom isn't leaving (though that may eventually be necessary). The first step is naming what's happening.
When victims can finally say "This is emotional abuse" or "This is financial control" or "This is intimidation," something powerful shifts. The abuser can no longer use confusion as a weapon. The victim's clarity becomes a form of spiritual warfare—the enemy needs our agreement, usually given unconsciously, but we can't agree with lies when we can clearly see the truth.
This is why bringing language and clarity to patterns of abuse is so crucial. It's not about creating drama or destroying marriages. It's about bringing light to darkness so that healing becomes possible.
The Church's Calling
The statistics I opened with should terrify every church leader in America. They should drive us to our knees and then to action. We cannot continue to ignore the epidemic of intimate partner violence while quoting verses about marriage and submission.
We need to:
Learn to recognize the signs of abuse in all its forms
Create safe spaces for victims to share their stories
Stop using Scripture to keep people trapped in dangerous situations
Offer real accountability and healing programs for abusers
Understand that sometimes the most Christ-like thing is helping someone leave
The time for bold and courageous action is here. That bold action is simply walking out truth in love—acknowledging that domestic violence is destroying lives within our congregations and that our God of justice and mercy calls us to protect the vulnerable.
God's Kingdom is not like the world's systems of domination and control. It's a Kingdom where the powerful serve the weak, where the strong protect the vulnerable, where love never uses fear as a weapon.
It's time we started acting like it.
The silence has gone on long enough. Lives depend on us finding our voice.
Blessings,
Susan 😊