God's Design Beyond Traditional Roles
I love the idea of stable, committed family units. I believe God designed marriage and family as foundational building blocks for healthy society. But here's where many of us get trapped: we try to build Kingdom relationships using the world's tools—roles and rules instead of love and relationship.
The difference between these approaches might seem subtle, but the fruit they produce is dramatically different.
The Appeal of Rules and Roles
There's something comforting about clearly defined roles and rules. They seem to offer stability, predictability, and clear expectations. In a chaotic world, many people long for the simplicity of "this is what husbands do, this is what wives do, these are the rules everyone follows."
I understand this appeal. Rules feel safer than relationship because relationships require ongoing navigation, communication, and adjustment. Roles seem more efficient than partnership because they eliminate the need for discussion and consensus.
But here's the problem: rules and roles create what looks like family stability from the outside while often producing dysfunction, resentment, and suppression on the inside.
The Wrong Foundation
When we build family structures on predetermined roles based on gender rather than on love, partnership, and individual gifting, we're building on the wrong foundation.
In role-based systems:
People must fit predetermined molds regardless of their actual gifts or calling
Decisions are made based on position rather than wisdom
Conflict is resolved through hierarchy rather than mutual seeking of truth
Growth is limited by role expectations rather than encouraged through empowerment
This creates what I call "law-centered" rather than "love-centered" relationships.
The Law-Centered Trap
Law-centered relationships operate on a power pyramid where someone is always number one, someone is number two, and everyone has a predetermined place in the pecking order. The husband is the head, the wife is the helper, the children are the followers.
But this system has a fatal flaw: it's not how God's Kingdom actually works.
Jesus didn't come to establish better rules and clearer roles. He came to establish a completely different operating system based on mutual love, honor, and submission.
When "Traditional" Isn't Working
Many couples try to create stability by strictly adhering to traditional gender roles: the husband makes final decisions, provides financially, and leads the family; the wife submits to his leadership, focuses on home and children, and supports his vision.
But what happens when:
The wife has stronger financial gifts than the husband?
The husband would actually prefer to be more involved with childcare?
They disagree on a major decision and waiting for his "final word" would be unwise?
Her intuition is consistently more accurate than his reasoning?
He's going through a season where he needs more support than leadership?
Role-based systems can't flex with these realities. They force people into boxes that may not fit their actual design, gifts, or current life season.
The Relationship Alternative
Relationship-based families operate on completely different principles:
Decisions are made through mutual seeking of wisdom rather than hierarchical authority
Responsibilities are divided based on gifting, passion, and practical considerations rather than gender stereotypes
Leadership flows naturally based on who has relevant expertise or calling rather than predetermined roles
Love and mutual honor govern interactions rather than rules about who's in charge
From "Have To" to "Get To"
In my marriage with Gregory, many of our daily activities might look traditional from the outside. I do most of the cooking, he handles vehicle maintenance and outdoor tasks. But there's a crucial difference in our hearts and approach.
I don't cook because I have to as the woman. I cook because I get to contribute to our partnership in a way that uses my gifts and serves our family. When I'm busy with work or simply tired, Gregory is perfectly capable of preparing our meals, and he does.
He doesn't handle the vehicles because it's his "role" as the man. He does it because he enjoys it, he's good at it, and it's how he serves our partnership. If I needed to handle something car-related and he wasn't available, that would be perfectly fine with both of us.
The difference between "have to" and "get to" transforms everything. One creates resentment and limitation; the other creates gratitude and freedom.
Seasonal Flexibility
One of the most beautiful aspects of relationship-based families is their ability to adjust to different seasons of life.
When we were raising our granddaughter as a small child, Gregory was as involved in bottle-feeding and diaper-changing as I was. Now that she's a teenager, we both contribute to her guidance and support based on the situation and our individual strengths.
During seasons when my real estate business demanded more attention, Gregory naturally took on more household responsibilities. When his food ministry needed extra focus, I stepped up in other areas.
This isn't role confusion—it's partnership in action. It's two people committed to their shared vision, contributing their best as circumstances require.
The Fruit Test
The real test of any family system isn't how it looks from the outside or how well it conforms to cultural expectations—it's the fruit it produces in the lives of everyone involved.
Role-based systems often produce:
Children who struggle with healthy relationship patterns as adults
Spouses who feel trapped in boxes that don't fit their design
Resentment that builds over years of suppressed gifts and voices
Rigid thinking that can't adapt to changing circumstances
Power struggles disguised as spiritual submission
Relationship-based systems tend to produce:
Children who learn healthy communication and conflict resolution
Spouses who feel empowered to contribute their full gifts to the partnership
Joy that comes from serving out of love rather than obligation
Flexibility that allows families to thrive through various seasons
Genuine unity based on mutual honor and shared vision
The Biblical Model
When I look at Scripture, I don't see God establishing rigid role requirements based on gender. What I see is a consistent call to mutual love, honor, and submission.
"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21, NKJV) isn't just an introduction to Paul's marriage teaching—it's the foundation of everything that follows. The specific instructions to wives and husbands flow from this mutual submission, not from hierarchical authority.
Even Jesus' example demonstrates relationship over role-based leadership. He "did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant" (Philippians 2:6-7, NKJV). He led through service, not through asserting His rightful position.
Practical Transformation
So what does this look like practically in everyday family life?
In decision-making: Instead of defaulting to "the husband decides," couples seek wisdom together through prayer, discussion, and mutual respect for each other's insights.
In household responsibilities: Instead of dividing tasks by gender stereotypes, families consider each person's gifts, interests, and current capacity.
In conflict resolution: Instead of hierarchy determining outcomes, families pursue understanding, forgiveness, and solutions that honor everyone involved.
In calling and ministry: Instead of limiting opportunities based on gender, families support each member's God-given gifts and callings.
In parenting: Instead of authoritarian control, parents exercise loving authority that empowers children while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
The Safety of Love
One fear people often express about relationship-based families is that they'll become chaotic without clear role definitions. "Someone has to be in charge," they insist. "Someone has to make final decisions."
But love actually creates more safety than rules ever could.
When family members know they're genuinely honored and their voices truly matter, they don't need to fight for position or manipulate for influence. When everyone is committed to seeking God's best for the family rather than asserting individual rights, decisions emerge through wisdom rather than power struggles.
When both parents are fully present and engaged rather than operating from predetermined scripts, children receive the benefit of both perspectives and approaches.
Breaking the Cycle
Many of us were raised in role-based systems and don't know how to create relationship-based families. We default to what we experienced, even when it wounded us.
The transition requires:
Humility to admit that familiar patterns might not be God's best
Patience with ourselves and family members as we learn new ways of relating
Faith that God's design for relationships is better than human systems
Commitment to choose love over control, even when it's more challenging
The Ripple Effect
When families embrace relationship-based living, the impact extends far beyond their own homes. Children raised in mutual honor and empowerment become adults who create healthy relationships in their marriages, friendships, and workplaces.
These families become light in their communities, demonstrating what Kingdom relationships actually look like. They show that stability doesn't require suppression, that order doesn't demand hierarchy, that love is actually more powerful than law.
The Kingdom Vision
This isn't about creating perfect families or eliminating all problems. It's about aligning our relationships with God's Kingdom principles so that His love, wisdom, and power can flow through them.
In God's Kingdom, the greatest are those who serve. Leadership means empowerment, not control. Authority exists to protect and release, not to dominate and suppress.
When our families reflect these Kingdom values, they become places where everyone can flourish, where gifts are celebrated rather than limited, where love governs over law.
An Invitation to Freedom
If you've been trapped in role-based thinking—whether as someone who feels limited by it or someone who feels pressure to enforce it—I want you to know there's another way.
God's design for relationships is more beautiful, more liberating, and more effective than the systems we've created. It honors both the stability we long for and the individual uniqueness He's placed in each of us.
The transition isn't always easy, but it's worth it. Because on the other side of roles and rules, we discover what we were always meant to find: relationships that reflect the very heart of God and naturally release His transforming power into the world.
This is the Gospel of God's Kingdom lived out in the most intimate places of our lives. This is love winning over law, relationship triumphing over role, and grace transforming everything it touches.
What has been your experience with role-based versus relationship-based family dynamics? How have you seen the difference between "have to" and "get to" play out in your own relationships? I'd love to hear your thoughts on moving from law-centered to love-centered living.
Blessings,
Susan 😊