From Carrying the Weight Alone to Sharing the Journey
The email arrived in my inbox one Tuesday, and it stopped me in my tracks:
"Susan, I've been reading your book and I have to ask—if I'm not supposed to be the head of my household, then what am I supposed to be? I've built my entire identity around being the spiritual leader of my family. If that's not biblical, then who am I? I feel completely lost."
My heart broke for this sincere man who was wrestling with questions that challenge the very foundation of how he understood his role as a husband and father. His vulnerability was beautiful, and his confusion was completely understandable.
This is what it looks like when the hearts of men are becoming ready—not just to accept women's equality in theory, but to discover what authentic masculinity looks like when it's freed from the burden of always having to be "in charge."
The Pressure of Artificial Masculinity
For generations, we've defined masculinity by what men control rather than by who they are. We've told men that real men:
Make the final decisions in their homes
Earn more money than their wives
Never show vulnerability or uncertainty
Always know what to do in every situation
Lead by giving orders rather than serving others
Measure their worth by their ability to dominate
But here's what I've discovered: this isn't biblical masculinity—it's cultural masculinity dressed up in religious language. And it's killing both men and their relationships.
Think about the pressure this places on men. They're expected to have all the answers, make all the important decisions, and bear the weight of their family's spiritual condition. If something goes wrong, it's their fault for not leading well enough. If their wife or children struggle, they've failed as the "head" of the home.
No wonder so many men are exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from their families.
What Jesus Actually Modeled
When I look at Jesus—the ultimate model of masculinity—I see something completely different from our cultural definitions.
Jesus was strong, but He used His strength to serve others rather than control them. He was confident, but His confidence came from His relationship with the Father, not from dominating His disciples. He was a leader, but He led by washing feet, not by issuing commands.
Most importantly, Jesus never seemed burdened by the need to be "in charge" of every situation. He trusted the Father's timing, asked questions, sought solitude when He needed it, and even wept openly when He was grieving.
This is what authentic masculinity looks like—strength rooted in love rather than fear, leadership expressed through service rather than control.
The Freedom of Mutual Submission
When men discover that they don't have to carry the entire weight of family leadership on their shoulders, something beautiful happens. They're freed to be human instead of having to be superhuman.
I see this in my husband Gregory every day. He's one of the most masculine men I've ever known—tall, strong, capable of defending those he loves. But his masculinity isn't threatened by my success or my voice in our relationship. In fact, he celebrates both.
Why? Because he understands that mutual submission doesn't make him less of a man—it makes him more fully human.
When we make decisions together, Gregory doesn't feel like he's failing to lead. He feels like he's gaining the wisdom of his partner. When I succeed in my real estate business, he doesn't feel diminished. He feels proud because we're one. When he needs to process emotions or admit uncertainty, he doesn't feel weak. He feels safe.
This is what happens when men are freed from the exhausting performance of artificial masculinity and invited into the rest of authentic manhood.
The Myth of the Final Say
One of the biggest fears I hear from men is: "But if we're both equal, who makes the final decision when we can't agree?"
This question reveals how deeply we've been programmed to think in terms of power and control. It assumes that healthy relationships require someone to be "the decider" when conflicts arise.
But in our marriage, Gregory and I have discovered something wonderful: when we can't agree on important matters, it usually means we're both missing something. Instead of one of us overruling the other, we wait, pray, and seek God's wisdom together.
When we do have disagreements, our goal isn't to determine who wins, but to find solutions that honor both of our perspectives. This actually produces better decisions than the "husband decides" model, because it draws on both of our wisdom and ensures we're both fully invested in the outcome.
What Men Gain in Mutual Submission
Far from losing something important, men who embrace mutual submission discover they gain so much:
Partnership instead of burden. Instead of carrying all the weight of family decisions and spiritual responsibility, they have a true partner who shares both the load and the wisdom needed for life's challenges.
Authenticity instead of performance. They can be real about their uncertainties, struggles, and emotions instead of maintaining a facade of having everything together.
Respect based on character. Their wives honor them not because they're commanded to, but because these men have earned respect through their love, service, and integrity.
Freedom to be gifted differently. They don't have to be good at everything or pretend to have strengths they don't possess. They can focus on their actual gifts while their wives contribute theirs.
Security in God's love. Their identity comes from being sons of God rather than from their ability to control their families.
Deeper intimacy. When power dynamics are removed, true emotional and spiritual connection becomes possible.
The Safety of Strength Under Control
Gregory's masculinity isn't diminished by our equality—it's refined by it. All of his natural male strength and protective instincts are still there, but they're channeled into serving and empowering rather than controlling.
He's never once used his physical presence, financial position, or social privilege to intimidate me or get his way. Not once. Ever. That strength is available to protect me, defend our family, and serve those who are vulnerable—but it's never turned on me as a weapon.
This is what happens when men understand that true strength is strength under control, used in service of love rather than in pursuit of dominance.
A New Definition of Leadership
Men often ask me, "If I'm not the head of my home, how do I lead my family?"
My answer surprises them: "The same way Jesus led His disciples."
Jesus led by example, not by command. He influenced through love, not through authority. He served His followers rather than expecting to be served by them. He washed their feet, encouraged their gifts, and prepared them to do even greater works than He did.
This is exactly what I see Gregory do in our home. He leads by being the first to apologize when we've had a disagreement. He leads by getting up early to spend time with God and share what he's learned with me. He leads by serving at the food bank and showing our granddaughter what it looks like to care for those who can give nothing in return.
People follow this kind of leadership gladly because it's motivated by love rather than control.
The Ripple Effect
When men embrace this understanding of authentic masculinity, the effects ripple out in beautiful ways:
Their marriages flourish because partnership replaces power struggles.
Their children learn healthy relationship dynamics instead of perpetuating cycles of domination.
Other men see an attractive alternative to the exhausting performance of artificial masculinity.
Women feel safe to be themselves instead of walking on eggshells around male ego.
The church becomes a place of freedom rather than a place of oppression.
An Invitation, Not a Threat
To the men reading this who feel threatened by these ideas, I want you to know: this isn't an attack on masculinity. It's an invitation to discover what masculinity was always meant to be.
You don't have to carry the weight of being right about everything. You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to be the sole provider, protector, and spiritual leader of your family.
You get to be human. You get to have a partner. You get to share the load and the joy of family life with someone who wants to use her gifts alongside yours rather than underneath them.
The hearts of men are ready for this truth because deep down, most men are exhausted from trying to live up to impossible standards that God never intended for them.
What Authentic Masculinity Looks Like
Authentic masculinity isn't about being in charge—it's about being willing to lay down your life for those you love. It's not about having the final say—it's about using your voice to encourage and empower others. It's not about being served—it's about serving with strength and joy.
Gregory shows me this every day. When he wraps his arms around me each morning to share what God revealed to him in his quiet time, that's spiritual leadership. When he spends hours at the food bank serving people who can give him nothing in return, that's strength being used for good. When he supports my ministry even though it challenges traditional male authority, that's confidence rooted in God's love rather than cultural expectations.
This man makes me proud to be his wife, not because he controls me, but because he loves like Jesus.
The Beautiful Result
When men are freed from the pressure to be "the boss" and invited into true partnership, something magical happens. They become the men God designed them to be—strong but gentle, confident but humble, leaders who serve rather than dictate.
And women? We get to flourish alongside them instead of underneath them.
This is the Kingdom come to earth—not through force or hierarchy, but through love and mutual honor.
The hearts of men are ready for this truth. They're ready to discover that they don't have to choose between being masculine and being human. They can be both.
Men: What would change in your relationships if you knew you didn't have to be "in charge" to be respected and valued? Women: How can you encourage the men in your life as they discover these truths about authentic masculinity?
Blessings,
Susan 😊