From Roles to Relationship: Why God Never Intended a Hierarchy
In the past, I was part of a conversation where someone asked the question that gets to the heart of everything: "Are men created to lead and women created to follow?"
It's a question that reveals how deeply we've been influenced by what I call the "complementarian" mindset—the belief that masculinity is defined by leadership and femininity by following. According to this teaching, for a woman to lead violates her very nature as a woman, and for a man to follow undermines his masculinity.
But what if this entire premise is wrong? What if God never intended hierarchy between men and women at all?
The Original Blueprint
Let's go back to the very beginning—to the blueprint before sin corrupted everything. In Genesis 1:26-27, we read:
"Then God said, 'Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.' So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them" (NIV).
Notice several crucial details:
Plural pronouns: "Let US make mankind in OUR image"
Shared dominion: "So that THEY may rule"
Both created in God's image: "Male and female he created them"
The word "Adam" here isn't referring to a specific man—it's the Hebrew word meaning "mankind" or "humanity." The individual male doesn't appear until after the woman is drawn out and there are two present.
From the very beginning, before sin entered the picture, God's design was for both men and women to rule together. They were both governmental from the very beginning.
The Trinity: Our Model for Unity
Here's what revolutionized my understanding: we were created in the image of the Godhead—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The creation story reveals God as a plural unity: "Let US make mankind in OUR image."
Now, here's the crucial question: Is there hierarchy in the Trinity?
Theologians have wrestled with this for centuries, and the answer is definitively no. While there are distinct roles and functions within the Trinity, there is no subordination of essence or authority. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit exist in perfect unity—what theologians call perichoresis, a beautiful dance of mutual love and submission.
We were created to reflect this same unity. Not hierarchy, but harmony. Not domination, but collaboration. Not power over, but power with.
The Helper Revelation
"But wait," people say, "doesn't Genesis 2 say the woman was created as a 'helper' for the man? Doesn't that make her secondary?"
This is where translation bias has really hurt us. The Hebrew word "ezer" (helper) is never used elsewhere in Scripture to denote inferiority. In fact, it's most often used to describe God Himself as our helper:
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth" (Psalm 121:1-2, NIV).
"The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies" (Psalm 118:7, NIV).
If being a helper makes someone subordinate, then God is subordinate to us when He helps us. Obviously, that's absurd. The helper is often the stronger party coming to aid the weaker one.
The real issue in the garden wasn't that Adam needed someone beneath him—it was that he needed relationship. God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18, NIV). The woman was hidden inside the man without a voice, and that was "not good." So God drew out the feminine side so they could have relationship and be one flesh—not first and second, but one together.
Paul's Brilliant Response
The apostle Paul actually addressed this exact issue in 1 Corinthians 11 when he was dealing with false teachers who were using creation order to establish male preeminence:
"Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God" (1 Corinthians 11:11-12, NIV).
Paul's response is brilliant: "All right, guys, so the woman was created from the man. But now men are created from women. You're mutually dependent. Stop trying to have some kind of preeminence because all things come from God, not from you."
Paul consistently answered the misogynistic teaching that women are secondary. He was the most outspoken advocate for women in the first-century church, and most likely in the world.
The Relationship Revolution
Here's what I've discovered: God's design isn't about roles—it's about relationship. When we try to squeeze people into predetermined roles based on gender, we actually pervert the family and limit what God wants to do through us.
Think about it this way: your left hand and right hand complement each other perfectly. But which one is in charge? Which one is the "head"? The question doesn't even make sense because they work together as a unified whole.
My hands complement each other. They work together. That's ultimately what God created when He made male and female. He meant for that unity to be revealed in the male-female relationship.
Beyond the Pigeonhole
When we move from roles to relationship, something beautiful happens. Instead of asking, "What's my role as a man/woman?" we start asking, "What is the Holy Spirit saying in this particular situation?"
Instead of predetermined gender-based assignments, we operate based on:
Gifting and expertise
Seasonal life circumstances
What's best for the family in this moment
The leading of the Holy Spirit
For example, if a wife has financial expertise, she might naturally lead in money matters. If a husband has more nurturing gifts, he might take the lead in certain aspects of childcare. Some seasons might require one spouse to step up more while the other focuses on different priorities.
This isn't chaos—it's wisdom. It's allowing the Holy Spirit to lead instead of following religious formulas.
The Single Woman Question
Here's a question that exposes the flaws in role-based thinking: What about single women? Widows? Divorced women? If women are created to follow male leadership, what happens when there's no man in the picture?
The complementarian answer is usually that there should be other men in her life to provide covering and leadership. But this reduces a woman to a perpetual child who can never be a whole person in her own right.
The truth is, women are whole people in Christ. They're not half-humans waiting for a man to complete them or provide spiritual covering. They're created in the image of God with their own relationship with Him, their own gifts, their own calling.
The Power of True Partnership
When men and women come together in true partnership—when both bring 100% of their strength, talent, and love to the table—something exponential happens. It's not just 1+1=2. It's more like 1+1=10 because of the synergy that occurs.
The world desperately needs this kind of partnership right now. We need all hands on deck. We need the full gifts of both men and women unleashed to establish God's Kingdom on earth.
But the enemy knows this, which is why he's worked so hard to convince us that God's design is hierarchical. By disempowering women, he disempowers entire families and churches. By convincing men they have to carry burdens they were never meant to bear alone, he isolates and exhausts them.
A Different Way
What if we stopped asking, "Who's the leader?" and started asking, "How can we love each other well?"
What if we stopped worrying about roles and started focusing on relationship?
What if we trusted that the same God who created us male and female in His image could lead us into the kind of partnership that reflects His own nature?
This isn't about eliminating all structure or pretending there are no differences between men and women. It's about building relationships on love instead of hierarchy, on mutual submission instead of domination, on partnership instead of power struggles.
It's about returning to God's original design: two people created in His image, designed to rule together in unity and love.
That's not just a better way to do marriage—it's a revolution that could transform the world.
Have you experienced the difference between role-based and relationship-based interactions? What would change in your marriage or relationships if you focused on mutual love and submission rather than predetermined roles?
Blessings,
Susan 😊