Gaslighting in God's House: When Scripture Becomes a Weapon
The term "gaslighting" comes from a 1938 British play that was later turned into movies in the 1940s. In the story, a husband systematically manipulates his wife by making small changes to their environment—dimming the gas lights, creating sounds in the attic—then denying these changes when she notices them.
"The lights didn't dim. You're crazy."
"There's nothing in the attic. You're hearing things."
Through this deliberate manipulation, he makes her question her own perception of reality, gradually convincing her that she can't trust her own eyes, ears, or sanity.
Sound familiar? It should. Because this same psychological abuse tactic has found a comfortable home in many Christian communities, dressed up in spiritual language and biblical terminology.
When "God's Design" Silences Truth
I've watched it happen countless times. A woman musters the courage to share that something feels wrong in her marriage—that she feels controlled, intimidated, or constantly criticized. Instead of listening to her concerns, well-meaning church leaders respond with:
"Have you been submitting to your husband's authority?"
"God's design is for the man to lead and the woman to follow."
"You need to pray more and trust God to change your husband's heart."
"Marriage is about dying to yourself. Maybe God is using this to sanctify you."
How do you argue with "God's design"? How do you push back when someone uses Scripture to silence you?
This is gaslighting wrapped in religious language. It makes the victim question whether their pain is real, whether their perceptions are accurate, whether they're being "rebellious" or "unsubmissive" for feeling hurt by their spouse's behavior.
The Perfect Storm for Manipulation
Religious communities create the perfect environment for gaslighting because:
Authority is assumed to be godly - When someone claims to speak for God or interpret Scripture authoritatively, questioning them feels like questioning God Himself.
Submission is weaponized - Biblical concepts like submission get twisted into tools for silencing victims rather than mutual honor between equals.
Suffering is spiritualized - Pain gets reframed as "God's will" or "sanctification" rather than acknowledged as evidence that something is wrong.
Unity is prioritized over truth - Keeping families together becomes more important than addressing abuse, creating pressure to deny or minimize harmful behavior.
My Own Blind Spot
For years, I served in a large marriage ministry devoted to traditional teaching on submission and headship. I genuinely believed that if I could just submit better, if I could pour into other marriages while perfecting my own submission, my marriage would transform.
Meanwhile, I was living with someone who used emotional and psychological intimidation to control me. But because there were no bruises, because he used "biblical" language about my role as a wife, because our church taught that difficulties in marriage were opportunities for the wife to grow in submission—I couldn't see it for what it was.
I was being gaslighted with Scripture.
When I tried to express concern about my husband's behavior, I was told I was being "disrespectful." When I felt hurt by his treatment, I was counseled to "die to myself" more completely. When I questioned whether his demands were reasonable, I was reminded that "wives should submit to their husbands as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22, ESV).
The irony wasn't lost on me that I spent years counseling other women going through similar situations while completely missing my own. I was just as confused as they were, trying to find the line between godly submission and enabling abuse—because I didn't realize that line didn't exist in the way I'd been taught.
The Difference Between Teaching and Terrorizing
There's a crucial difference between someone who genuinely teaches from Scripture and someone who weaponizes it for control:
Genuine biblical teaching:
Invites questions and discussion
Considers context and the whole counsel of Scripture
Produces fruit of love, joy, peace, and freedom
Points people toward Christ, not toward the teacher's authority
Creates space for growth and mistakes
Weaponized Scripture:
Shuts down questions with "God said it, that settles it"
Takes verses out of context to support predetermined conclusions
Produces fear, shame, and compliance
Points people toward submission to human authority
Creates impossible standards that ensure constant failure
When Scripture is used as a weapon, it stops being Good News and becomes a tool of oppression.
How Victims Question Reality
One of the most insidious aspects of spiritual gaslighting is how it makes victims question their own spiritual discernment:
"Maybe I'm not hearing from God correctly."
"Maybe I'm too rebellious to understand what submission really means."
"Maybe my expectations are too worldly."
"Maybe this pain is just my flesh dying."
I remember lying in bed after particularly difficult encounters with my ex-husband, wondering if I was somehow failing God by feeling hurt. Had I been too sensitive? Was I expecting too much? Was my desire for kindness and respect somehow unbiblical?
This is exactly what gaslighting does—it makes you doubt your own perception of reality, your own worth, your own right to be treated with dignity.
The False Prophets Among Us
Jesus warned us: "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits" (Matthew 7:15-16, ESV).
What fruit does spiritual gaslighting produce?
Women who are afraid to speak up about mistreatment
Men who believe they have a God-given right to control their wives
Children who grow up thinking abuse is normal
Churches where victims are silenced and abusers are protected
Families where power matters more than love
These are not the fruits of the Spirit. These are the fruits of a religious system that has been corrupted by the world's power structures.
When Holy Spirit Breaks the Spell
The beautiful thing about God is that He won't leave us trapped in deception forever. Holy Spirit has a way of breaking through the gaslighting with what Scripture calls "sure words"—truths that become anchored so deeply in our hearts that no amount of manipulation can shake them.
For me, those sure words came through dreams, through sudden clarity during prayer, through Bible verses that seemed to jump off the page with new meaning. Holy Spirit began showing me that the God I served wasn't the demanding, controlling deity that my religious environment had portrayed.
The real God—the One revealed in Jesus—didn't need my fear to gain my obedience. He didn't require my silence to maintain His authority. He didn't ask me to enable abuse in the name of submission.
When you know that you know something is from God, the gaslighter loses their power over you. When Holy Spirit gives you that sure word, nailed like an anchor in your soul, no human manipulation can shake it loose.
The Heart of True Biblical Authority
Here's what I've learned about biblical authority: It doesn't demand recognition—it demonstrates love.
Jesus, who had all authority in heaven and earth, didn't spend His time insisting that people acknowledge His position. He washed feet. He served. He lifted up the lowly and challenged the proud.
Real spiritual authority creates safety, not fear. It empowers others rather than diminishing them. It points to Christ, not to itself.
When someone has to constantly remind you of their biblical authority, when they use Scripture to silence rather than serve, when they demand submission rather than earning respect through love—that's not biblical leadership. That's spiritual abuse.
Breaking Free from the Matrix
If you're reading this and recognizing your own situation, know that the confusion you feel isn't your fault. Gaslighting is designed to create confusion. It's meant to make you question your sanity, your spirituality, your worth.
But here's the truth that no gaslighter can erase: God values your wellbeing. Christ died to set you free, not to trap you in abusive relationships. Holy Spirit wants to lead you into truth, not keep you bound by human manipulation.
The Bible says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1, NIV).
That includes slavery to religious systems that use God's name to justify abuse.
A Different Kind of Church
Imagine churches where victims are believed rather than blamed. Where Scripture is taught in context rather than weaponized for control. Where mutual submission is modeled rather than just male authority. Where the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control—are the marks of spiritual maturity.
These churches exist. These communities are growing. And they're discovering what the early Church knew: that when relationships reflect Christ's self-giving love rather than the world's dominance hierarchies, God's Kingdom becomes visible on earth.
The Sure Word You Need
If you're trapped in a web of spiritual gaslighting, cry out to Holy Spirit for that sure word—that unshakeable truth that will anchor your soul and break the manipulator's hold on your mind.
God sees what's happening to you. He hears your cries. And He's absolutely committed to your freedom.
The truth really will set you free. But first, we have to stop letting others define what that truth is and start listening to the voice of the One who is Truth Himself.
Blessings,
Susan 😊