Rethinking Biblical Headship in Marriage

‍ ‍"For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body." (Ephesians 5:23, NASB)

This verse has been used for centuries to establish male authority in marriage. The logic goes something like this: Christ is in charge of the church, and the husband is in charge of the wife. Simple, right? ‍

Except that's not what Paul is saying at all.‍ ‍

Welcome to God's Kingdom, where mutual submission reigns and where "head" has no "ship" attached to it. Where "head" means unity with the body, not control over it. Where power flows through love, not force.

The Metaphor We've Misunderstood

When Paul calls the husband "the head of the wife," he's using a metaphor—and it's critical that we understand which metaphor he's employing.

The metaphor isn't "boss of the company." It's not "captain of the ship." It's not even "head of the household."

The metaphor is head and body—one unified organism. You cannot have a head without a body, and the body cannot function without the head. They are organically one.

This is a unity metaphor, not a hierarchy metaphor.

But Paul goes even deeper than that. When he says "as Christ also is the head of the church," he's not primarily pointing to Christ's authority. He's pointing to Christ's sacrifice. Notice what comes immediately after: "He Himself being the Savior of the body."

Christ is head because He poured out His life to save the body. Christ is head because He laid down His life in love.

Back to Creation

This metaphor reaches all the way back to the beginning—to the Garden of Eden, where God poured Himself out as love to create humanity.

God didn't create Adam and Eve and then stand over them barking orders from a position of dominance. He walked with them in the cool of the day. He breathed His own life into them. He made them in His image—both male and female together bearing the fullness of who He is.

When sin entered the world, it shattered this perfect unity. The curse in Genesis 3 introduced power struggles, domination, and broken relationships. Suddenly, instead of walking together in mutual love and honor, humanity was grasping for control.

"Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16, NASB). This isn't God's design—it's the curse. It's what happens when love is replaced by power.

The Cross Changes Everything

So what does it mean for the husband to be "head" like Christ is head?

It means taking the initiative to lay down his life in love—just as Christ did.

Why did Jesus take the initiative? Because only He could. Humanity had already proven through the law that we couldn't defeat the power of sin and death on our own. So Christ, the more powerful partner in the equation, came to earth and submitted Himself to death—even death on a cross.

Through His submission, He subverted death. He broke its power. He launched "a whole new way of being human," as we say.

This is what husbands are called to do. In a world still twisted by the curse—where men generally have more physical strength, more societal privilege, more automatic authority—husbands are called to use that position not to dominate but to lay down their lives for their wives.

Why Priority Isn't the Same as Equality

Some argue that even if men and women are equal in value, men have "priority" in role. This is the complementarian position: separate but equal.

But we've seen this reasoning before. "Separate but equal" was the justification for segregation. And we learned the hard way that separate is never actually equal.

Either you're the same ontologically—the same in your fundamental humanity and worth—or you're not. The moment we say one person's gender defines their role as leader and another's defines their role as follower, we've violated the nature of freedom. And when we violate freedom, we violate love. And when we violate love, we violate the Gospel of God's Kingdom.

Period.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Gregory looks like someone who could handle trouble, and he can. Big guy, wide shoulders, raised in the kind of neighborhood that sharpens people. He would absolutely step in to protect someone who needed it — including me. But here's what matters more than any of that: he never has. Never used any of it as leverage. Never even let it hang in the air between us. That restraint, quiet and complete, is its own kind of strength.

Gregory understands what it means to be "head" the way Christ is head. His strength isn't there to control me—it's there to protect me, to lift me up, to create space for me to flourish.

He doesn't believe it's his divine prerogative to have his own way just because he's the man. He doesn't think his responsibility is to be "head of the house" and make everyone do his will. (By the way, the Bible never says "head of the house"—it says "head of the wife," pointing to unity, oneness, the two becoming one flesh.)

When Gregory initiates laying down his preferences for mine, when he uses his strength to empower rather than control, when he leads by serving—he's being the head the way Christ is head.

And you know what? I don't feel diminished by his strength. I feel blessed by it. I don't feel like I have to fight for power. I feel free to flourish.

The Systemic Power Structures

Here's what men who follow Jesus need to understand: We're living in a world where systemic power structures still favor men. The curse is still playing out in our culture, even in the 21st century.

Yes, women have gained tremendous ground. I can vote. I can earn and keep wages. I can divorce an abusive spouse. I have freedom that women in Paul's day couldn't imagine.

But we're still making 70 cents on the dollar compared to men. We're still fighting battles that shouldn't need to be fought. The power structures are still there.

This is where men have an opportunity—a calling—to be head in the way Christ is head. Not "I'm the boss, buck stops here, my way or the highway." But rather: "I recognize the systemic power structures that the curse has created, and I'm going to use whatever privilege I have to lift you up, not hold you down."

How do we release heaven into earth? The cross. Self-giving love. Power used to serve rather than dominate.

Authentic Masculinity

God created masculinity, and when it's authentic, it's incredibly powerful. There's nothing toxic about it.

My Gregory is living proof. His masculinity isn't diminished by our practice of mutual submission—it's channeled into protection and empowerment rather than control. He's not less of a man; he's more fully human as he reflects Christ's self-giving love.

The surrender of his power for my good hasn't diminished him. It has increased him. It has made him more of who he truly is. His authentic identity has emerged in that surrender.

He's lost his life, and he has found it.

The Invitation

If you're a husband reading this, I want you to know: Laying down your life for your wife—truly laying it down, not just making grand gestures while still expecting final say—won't diminish your power. It will transform it into the kind of power that actually changes the world.

If you're a wife reading this, I want you to know: You don't have to settle for "separate but equal." Unity is possible. Partnership is possible. Mutual submission is possible.

And for all of us: God's design for relationships is more beautiful than we've been taught. It reflects the very nature of the Trinity—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in perfect unity, with no hierarchy, only love flowing in all directions.

Head without the ship. Unity without control. Power through laying down our lives.

This is the way of God's Kingdom.

Blessings,
Susan 😊

What does "head" mean to you? Have you experienced the freedom of relationships built on mutual submission rather than hierarchy? Share your thoughts below. ‍