The Archy Problem: Why Every Pyramid is the Wrong Kingdom
Whether it's patriarchy in name or matriarchy in practice, there's an "archy" somewhere. And that's always the problem.
I've observed something fascinating in my years of studying relationships and power dynamics: it doesn't matter if the man is officially "in charge" or if the woman is secretly running things behind the scenes. Whenever someone is trying to get their way through force, manipulation, or positional authority, we're operating in the wrong kingdom entirely.
The problem isn't which gender holds the power—the problem is the pyramid itself.
Why Both Patriarchy and 'Hidden Matriarchy' Are Kingdom Violations
In traditional complementarian marriages, the structure looks clear on paper: husband leads, wife follows, everyone knows their role. But scratch beneath the surface, and you'll often find a very different reality.
I know many marriages where the husband is supposedly the "head of the house," but the wife gets her way through manipulation, guilt, or emotional pressure. The man might make the final decision, but only after his wife has made it clear what decision she expects him to make.
This creates what I call "patriarchy on paper, matriarchy at home." Publicly, everyone maintains the facade of male leadership. Privately, the real power flows through entirely different channels.
But here's what I've realized: both systems are wrong. Whether it's the husband dominating to get his way or the wife manipulating to get hers, someone is still trying to control the outcome rather than seeking God's will together.
The whole idea that someone needs to "get their way" in a relationship violates the heart of God's Kingdom. In God's Kingdom, it's not about my way or your way—it's about His way, discovered together through mutual submission and love.
The Manipulative Games We Play Instead of Being Authentic
When we operate from an "archy" mindset, we inevitably fall into manipulative patterns rather than authentic relationship:
The "Legal Authority" Game: "I'm the husband, so what I say goes." This uses positional power to override partnership and shut down discussion.
The "Neck That Turns the Head" Game: "He might be the head, but I'm the neck." This acknowledges male authority publicly while exercising female control privately.
The "Emotional Manipulation" Game: Using tears, withdrawal, or emotional pressure to get your way rather than honest communication.
The "Financial Control" Game: Whether it's the husband controlling the money or the wife controlling the spending, using financial leverage to maintain power.
The "Spiritual Authority" Game: Using religious language to justify controlling behavior—"God told me," "I'm called to lead," or "You need to submit."
All of these games share the same fundamental flaw: they're about winning rather than partnership, control rather than love, getting your way rather than seeking God's way together.
As I've learned through painful experience, any relationship where someone consistently gets their way while the other person gets squelched is not reflecting God's heart—regardless of which person is doing the controlling.
How Honor Flows in God's Kingdom vs. the World's System
One of the most important revelations I've had is understanding how honor works in God's Kingdom versus the world's systems.
In pyramid structures—whether in business, government, or even church—honor flows in one direction: upward. You honor your boss, your boss honors their boss, and so on up the chain. This isn't truly honor—it's homage, paying respect to someone superior to you.
But true honor is mutual and reciprocal. You can't have authentic honor flowing only one way because honor, like love, requires relationship, not just position.
Think about the Trinity: Does the Father demand honor from the Son while giving none in return? Does the Son expect the Spirit to honor Him without reciprocating? Of course not! The Trinity demonstrates perfect mutual honor—each person of the Godhead honoring the others in beautiful, circular love.
This is why Jesus could say, "The Father judges no one, but has committed all judgment to the Son, that all should honor the Son just as they honor the Father" (John 5:22-23, NKJV). And yet Jesus constantly honored the Father, saying, "I do not seek My own glory; there is One who seeks and judges" (John 8:50, NKJV).
It's a circle of honor, not a pyramid of homage.
When we create pyramid structures in our relationships—whether patriarchal or matriarchal—we violate this pattern. We force honor to flow only one direction, which kills authentic relationship and creates the very power struggles we're trying to avoid.
Breaking Free from the Power Struggle Mindset
So how do we break free from "archy" thinking and embrace God's Kingdom patterns? It starts with a fundamental shift in how we approach disagreements and decisions.
Instead of asking "Who's in charge?" we ask "How can we find God's wisdom together?"
Instead of "Who gets their way?" we ask "What way honors both of us and glorifies God?"
Instead of "Who has the final say?" we ask "How can we reach consensus through love and mutual submission?"
This doesn't mean we never disagree or that decisions don't need to be made. It means we approach disagreements as partners seeking truth together rather than opponents fighting for control.
In my marriage with Gregory, we've learned that when we can't agree on something important, it usually means we're both missing something. We've made it a policy that we don't move forward on major decisions until we both have peace. This sometimes means waiting longer than we'd like, but it has saved us from countless mistakes and has built tremendous trust between us.
For smaller decisions, we typically defer to whoever has more expertise, passion, or bandwidth in that area. Sometimes Gregory leads; sometimes I do. It's not based on gender—it's based on gifts, wisdom, and the Spirit's leading in that particular situation.
What Perichoresis (the Trinity's Dance) Looks Like in Daily Life
The Greek word "perichoresis" describes the fellowship and relationship within the Trinity. It literally means "dancing around"—a beautiful picture of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in constant movement, constant fellowship, each taking the lead at different times while maintaining perfect unity.
This is the pattern for Kingdom relationships. Instead of rigid hierarchy, we have responsive partnership. Instead of fixed roles, we have flowing dance. Instead of someone always leading and someone always following, we have the beauty of mutual submission where both partners lead and follow as love and wisdom require.
In practical terms, this looks like:
Flexible Leadership: Sometimes Gregory takes the lead in our family decisions because his wisdom or gifting is most needed. Sometimes I do. Sometimes we lead together, combining our strengths.
Responsive Following: When Gregory is leading in an area, I support him wholeheartedly—not because I have to, but because I trust his heart and want our partnership to succeed. When I'm leading, he does the same.
Mutual Honor: We both seek to lift each other up, celebrate each other's successes, and cover each other's weaknesses. Neither of us demands honor while withholding it.
Circular Power: Power flows between us based on love, not control. We both have influence, we both have voice, we both have the ability to impact our family's direction.
Divine Rhythm: Like the Trinity, there's a rhythm to our relationship—times when one of us needs to take more responsibility, times when the other does, times when we're perfectly synchronized.
This isn't chaos—it's the dance of love. It's what relationships look like when they reflect the very nature of God.
The Kingdom Alternative to Every Pyramid
God's Kingdom offers a radically different model for every relationship:
In Marriage: Instead of husband over wife or wife controlling husband, we have mutual submission where both partners serve as strong helpers (ezers) to each other.
In Church: Instead of clergy over laity, we have every member contributing their gifts, with leadership flowing to those called and equipped to serve, regardless of gender.
In Business: Instead of pure hierarchy, we have teams where authority flows based on expertise and calling, where everyone's contribution is valued, where power serves rather than dominates.
In Parenting: Instead of authoritarian control or permissive chaos, we have loving authority that prepares children to think for themselves, make good decisions, and enter into healthy adult relationships.
In Community: Instead of social pyramids based on wealth, status, or influence, we have communities where everyone is valued, everyone contributes, and everyone is empowered to flourish.
This isn't about eliminating all structure or pretending everyone has identical roles. It's about ensuring that whatever structures exist serve love rather than ego, empower rather than control, and reflect God's heart rather than the world's fallen patterns.
The Revolution That Starts with Us
The beautiful thing about Kingdom relationships is that they start a revolution wherever they appear. When people see marriages built on mutual honor rather than hierarchy, churches that empower all members rather than maintaining power pyramids, and businesses that serve rather than exploit, they catch a glimpse of what God's Kingdom looks like.
This is why our relationships matter so much. We're not just trying to have better marriages or healthier churches—we're demonstrating an alternative to the world's broken systems. We're showing that there's a better way to relate, a more beautiful way to organize society, a more Christ-like way to exercise power.
Every time we choose mutual submission over control, every time we seek consensus instead of demanding our way, every time we honor each other instead of pulling rank, we're advancing God's Kingdom and undermining the "archy" systems that have wounded so many.
Dancing Away from the Pyramid
The "archy problem" isn't solved by switching which gender gets to be on top of the pyramid. It's solved by abandoning the pyramid altogether and embracing the dance.
In God's Kingdom, relationships aren't about superior and inferior, ruler and subject, or even leader and follower in fixed, permanent ways. They're about partners who honor each other, serve each other, and dance together in the rhythm of love.
This is the revolution Jesus came to start—not just a revolution of the heart, but a revolution of relationships. When we stop fighting for position and start dancing in love, we discover what we were created for all along: partnership that reflects the very nature of God.
The question isn't whether you're living in a patriarchy or a matriarchy. The question is whether you're ready to step out of every "archy" and into the Kingdom dance of mutual honor, mutual submission, and mutual love.
That's where the real power flows—not from the top down or the bottom up, but in the beautiful circle of love that reflects the very heart of God.
Have you experienced the "archy problem" in your relationships? What would it look like for you to step out of power struggles and into the dance of mutual honor? The Kingdom is waiting for more people who are willing to live this different way.
Blessings,
Susan 😊