When Submission Theology Creates Cover for Abuse

A woman walked into Grace Community Church seeking help. Her husband was abusing her. She suspected he was abusing their children. She went to her church leaders—the people who should have protected her—and they told her to submit more.

She tried. She followed their counsel. The abuse continued.

Eventually, she couldn't take it anymore. She got a restraining order and asked her husband to leave. The church wrote her letters demanding she withdraw the restraining order and take her husband back. They publicly called her out from the pulpit, telling the entire congregation she was out of order for not submitting to her husband.

Then her husband was convicted and sent to jail for child molestation.

The church never apologized. They still believed she was wrong for not having submitted.

This isn't an isolated incident. This is what happens when we build theology on lies instead of truth.

The Theology That Blames the Victim

I hear the stories constantly. A woman goes to church counselors because her marriage is falling apart. Maybe her husband is unfaithful. Maybe he's addicted to pornography. Maybe he's emotionally abusive—twisting her words, making her feel crazy, gaslighting her until she doesn't trust her own perception of reality.

She's already in turmoil. She loves her husband. She wants the marriage to work. She's desperate for help.

And what does she hear?

"Are you submitting enough?"

"You need to respect him more."

"Pray harder."

"Have more sex with him—that's your duty."

The entire burden to fix the relationship falls on her shoulders. She's not the one being unfaithful. She's not the one manipulating and controlling. But somehow, it's her job to fix it by submitting more.

So she tries. She submits more. She has sex with her husband even though her heart is closed because of the pain he's caused. In some cases, she gets pregnant. Now she's a stay-at-home mom with another mouth to feed, even less financial security, and the abuse continues.

Meanwhile, where is that same church leadership coming alongside the husband to address his addiction, his infidelity, his abuse?

Crickets.

When Churches Abandon the Victims

Here's what I've seen happen over and over: When a woman finally has to face the reality that her marriage might end in divorce, the church withdraws from her.

Not all churches do this—I was blessed to be on staff at a healthy church when I went through my own divorce. One of my elders sat down in my office and said, "Susan, did you know that God gave the gift of divorce because of hardness of heart? The God who hates divorce was Himself divorced. He divorced Israel."

That conversation changed everything for me. It gave me permission to be honest about what was really happening instead of staying out of shame or religious obligation.

But most people don't have that experience. Most people I talk to tell me their church either turned away from them completely or made them feel like they just didn't love their spouse enough, respect them enough, submit enough. The message is always the same: if you had done more, this wouldn't have happened.

That's a lie. And it's a lie that keeps people trapped in dangerous situations.

"That's Your Cross to Bear"

One of the most heartbreaking things I hear is when women are told that staying in an abusive marriage is their "cross to bear." After all, Jesus bore His cross, right? So you need to bear yours.

This theology sounds spiritual, but it's demonic.

Jesus bore His cross to set us free. His sacrifice was an act of love that broke the power of sin and death. He laid down His life so that we could have life abundantly.

Telling a woman that her abuse is her cross to bear perverts everything Jesus did on the cross. It turns His sacrifice into a weapon used to keep someone enslaved.

God's Kingdom doesn't operate through power and control. It operates through love and freedom. When we tell abuse victims they have to stay because "God hates divorce," we're partnering with the kingdom of darkness—even if we mean well.

And most people do mean well. They genuinely believe they're teaching biblical truth. But believing a lie doesn't make it true.

What Biblical Submission Actually Looks Like

The husband is the head of the wife—that's true. But what does that mean?

It means the same thing that "Christ is the head of the church" means. Did Christ come to boss the church around? Did He demonstrate power over us and demand we do His will?

No. He brought His strength and His power to the table because He's the one who had it. He initiated our freedom by laying down His life to lift us up. He submitted to the Father's will, went to the cross, and made a way for us to be free.

That's what the husband being the head looks like. He uses his strength—his physical strength, his financial strength, his cultural power—to create freedom and safety for his wife, not to control her.

And she, in turn, yields to him. They submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21, ESV).

Mutual submission. Mutual yielding. Mutual honor and respect.

When it's one-sided, when it's power-based instead of love-based, you're in the wrong kingdom.

Marriage Is a Life Sentence, Not a Death Sentence

Let me be very clear: God is not asking you to stay in an abusive relationship forever.

If you are in danger, if your children are in danger, you need to follow Holy Spirit's leading. When He says it's time to get out, you get out.

Yes, there may be seasons where He asks you to wait—maybe because it's not safe to leave yet, maybe because He's working on creating opportunities for you to have financial stability or a place to go. Maybe He's even giving your abuser a moment to see the truth and choose help.

But He's not asking you to stay indefinitely. He's not asking you to sacrifice your life or your children's lives on the altar of someone else's sin.

God gave divorce as a gift because of hardness of heart. When one person refuses to be healed, refuses to get help, refuses to stop abusing—divorce is sometimes the most loving thing you can do. It protects you. It protects your children. And honestly, sometimes it's the only thing that will wake the abuser up to the reality of what they're losing.

The Truth That Sets You Free

Here's what I want you to know: that thing inside you that doesn't feel right about the church putting women down, about power structures in marriage, about submission theology that creates cover for abuse—that's Holy Spirit.

You're not crazy. You're not being disrespectful or rebellious. You're recognizing the truth.

God's Kingdom doesn't look like hierarchy and control. It looks like Jesus washing the disciples' feet. It looks like the one with the most power laying it down to lift others up.

Anything else is the wrong kingdom.

And if your church is teaching something different, if they're telling abuse victims to submit more instead of helping them create safety plans and boundaries—they're partnering with the kingdom of darkness, even if they don't know it.

The truth is this: you are loved. You are valued. You are worthy of protection and safety and honor. And no theology that tells you otherwise is from God.

Let Holy Spirit lead you into all truth. Because it's only the truth that sets you free.

Blessings,
Susan 😊