The Dangerous Myth of 'Hurting People Hurt People'
"Hurting people hurt people."
How many times have you heard this phrase? It sounds wise, compassionate, and spiritually mature. It seems to explain the cycle of abuse while extending grace to those who cause harm. But the more I've worked with abuse survivors and studied Scripture, the more I've realized this seemingly profound statement is actually a dangerous myth that enables ongoing abuse.
Today, I want to unpack why this popular phrase is more harmful than helpful—and what we should say instead.
The Seductive Appeal of Simple Explanations
"Hurting people hurt people" appeals to us because it offers a tidy explanation for complex behavior. It makes abuse seem understandable, even predictable. It allows us to feel compassionate toward perpetrators while appearing to address the root cause of harmful behavior.
The phrase also reinforces our desire to believe that people are basically good—that if someone is causing harm, they must be acting from their own wounds rather than making deliberate choices. This fits nicely with therapeutic culture that seeks to understand rather than judge.
But here's the problem: while this phrase contains a grain of truth, it oversimplifies the reality of abuse and creates dangerous blind spots in how we respond to both perpetrators and victims.
The Grain of Truth—And Where It Goes Wrong
Yes, some people who have been hurt do go on to hurt others. Trauma can create patterns that get passed down through generations. Understanding someone's background can help explain their behavior.
But here's what the phrase misses: most hurting people don't hurt people.
Think about it. The majority of abuse survivors don't become abusers. Most people who've experienced trauma work hard to ensure others don't suffer the same way. Many become healers, advocates, counselors, and protectors precisely because they understand pain firsthand.
I think about my own journey. I survived childhood abuse and then endured a 20-year abusive marriage. Did my pain cause me to hurt others? Actually, the opposite happened. My experiences motivated me to write BLIND SPOT, to challenge toxic religious teachings, and to create resources that help other women escape harmful situations.
I think about my friend Heather Elizabeth, who survived multiple forms of abuse and now runs a support group for over 1,600 women. Her pain led her to healing work, not harming work.
I think about countless other survivors who channel their experiences into advocacy, ministry, counseling, and social justice work. Their motto isn't "hurt others because I was hurt" but "heal others because I know what it's like to be wounded."
How the Myth Enables Abuse
When we default to "hurting people hurt people," we inadvertently:
Excuse abusive behavior. The phrase suggests that harmful actions are inevitable results of past pain rather than choices for which people can be held accountable. This removes responsibility from perpetrators and implies victims should understand and tolerate continued abuse.
Pressure victims to show more compassion. I can't count how many abuse survivors have been told to have more empathy for their abusers' "hurt." This places an impossible burden on those who are already suffering and keeps them trapped in harmful dynamics.
Minimize the choice aspect of abuse. Abuse isn't an involuntary response to pain—it's a strategic choice to gain power and control. Abusers often behave perfectly appropriately with bosses, police officers, and others who have power over them. Their "hurt" doesn't cause them to abuse everyone; they choose specific targets.
Create false hope for change. If abuse simply comes from being hurt, then healing the abuser's pain should solve the problem. This keeps victims waiting for transformation that rarely comes and delays necessary safety measures.
Shame those who've been hurt but don't hurt others. The phrase implies that harming others is a natural response to being harmed. This makes healthy survivors question whether they're suppressing their "real" feelings or not dealing with their pain "honestly."
What Scripture Actually Says
Interestingly, Scripture doesn't support the "hurting people hurt people" narrative. Instead, it makes clear distinctions between different types of people and their responses to circumstances.
Jesus said, "By their fruits you will know them. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?" (Matthew 7:16, NKJV). He was teaching that character is revealed through actions, not explanations or excuses.
When Jesus encountered the Samaritan woman at the well—someone who had clearly been hurt and marginalized—His response wasn't to expect her to hurt others in return. Instead, He saw her potential for healing and transformation (John 4:1-42).
The Apostle Paul had a traumatic past as a persecutor of Christians, yet he didn't use this to excuse ongoing harmful behavior. Instead, he took responsibility: "I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief" (1 Timothy 1:13, NKJV). He acknowledged his past without using it to justify continued harm.
Scripture also warns us about wolves in sheep's clothing (Matthew 7:15), those who are "lovers of themselves" and "without natural affection" (2 Timothy 3:2-3, NKJV), and people who "call evil good and good evil" (Isaiah 5:20, NKJV). These aren't descriptions of wounded people acting out their pain—they're descriptions of those who choose evil despite knowing better.
The Sobering Statistics
Research on abuse perpetrators reveals uncomfortable truths that challenge the "hurting people hurt people" narrative:
According to experts like Andrew Bauman and Chuck DeGroat, who work specifically with abusive men, only a small percentage of abusers actually want help. Of those who claim they want to change, only about one in ten will do the hard work necessary for genuine transformation.
This isn't because they're too hurt to heal—it's because abuse works for them. They get what they want through manipulation and control. Why would they give up effective strategies that serve their purposes?
Many abusers had perfectly normal childhoods but learned that dominance and control are effective tools for getting their way. Their harmful behavior isn't driven by unresolved trauma—it's driven by entitlement and a belief that their needs matter more than other people's rights.
A Better Framework
Instead of "hurting people hurt people," I suggest we adopt more nuanced understanding:
"Some hurting people hurt people, but most choose healing." This acknowledges that trauma can contribute to harmful behavior while recognizing that the majority of trauma survivors don't become perpetrators.
"Entitlement and control, not just hurt, drive abuse." This focuses on the actual dynamics that sustain abusive behavior rather than looking only at background factors.
"Character is revealed through choices, not circumstances." This aligns with biblical wisdom while maintaining accountability for harmful actions.
"Understanding someone's past doesn't excuse their present choices." This allows for compassion without enabling continued harm.
What This Means for Survivors
If you're a survivor of abuse, please hear this: you are not destined to become an abuser because you were hurt. The fact that you're concerned about harming others is actually evidence of your character and values.
You don't need to show more understanding or compassion toward your abuser. You don't need to excuse their behavior because of their background. You don't need to wait for them to heal their "hurt" before protecting yourself.
Your pain doesn't make you dangerous—it often makes you more compassionate, more aware of injustice, and more committed to preventing others from suffering as you have.
What This Means for Church Leaders
If you're in ministry, please reconsider how you use the "hurting people hurt people" framework. Instead of assuming all harmful behavior comes from unresolved trauma:
Focus on fruit, not just roots. While understanding someone's background can be helpful, character is ultimately revealed through patterns of behavior and response to correction.
Distinguish between explanation and excuse. Someone's past may help explain their behavior without excusing their choices or removing accountability.
Protect the vulnerable first. When someone is causing harm, the priority must be safety for victims, not therapy for perpetrators.
Expect genuine repentance. Real change involves taking full responsibility without blaming circumstances, other people, or past pain for current choices.
The Path Forward
Moving beyond the "hurting people hurt people" myth requires wisdom, discernment, and courage. We need frameworks that:
Honor the resilience of trauma survivors who choose healing over harming
Hold people accountable for their choices regardless of their background
Protect the vulnerable from ongoing abuse
Distinguish between those who are genuinely broken and seeking help versus those who use manipulation and control as lifestyle choices
Recognize that some people really are dangerous and need to be treated as such
This doesn't mean abandoning compassion—it means applying compassion wisely. True compassion protects the innocent and holds the guilty accountable. It offers hope for genuine transformation while refusing to enable continued harm.
As I continue to learn about abuse dynamics and God's heart for justice, I'm convinced that simplistic explanations like "hurting people hurt people" actually prevent us from addressing the real roots of abuse and providing effective help to both survivors and perpetrators.
The truth is more complex but also more hopeful: most people who've been hurt choose love over vengeance, healing over harming, protection over predation. They prove daily that our past doesn't have to determine our choices.
And that truth is worth celebrating—and defending against myths that suggest otherwise.
Blessings,
Susan 😊
If you're struggling with the aftermath of abuse or need support in your healing journey, please know that help is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) provides 24/7 support, and organizations like Give Her Wings Academy offer training and resources for survivors and advocates.