The Decompression Chamber: Why Leaving Bad Theology Takes Time
"Just leave! Why don't they just leave?"
I hear this frustrated cry often from people who've discovered the truth about mutual submission and women's equality in Scripture. They've had their eyes opened to how certain passages have been misinterpreted for centuries, and they can't understand why everyone doesn't immediately embrace these liberating truths.
I understand the frustration. When you see clearly for the first time how Scripture actually supports equality rather than hierarchy, how Paul was actually fighting against the subjugation of women rather than endorsing it, the truth seems so obvious. Why would anyone choose to stay in a system that causes such harm?
But here's what I've learned through my own journey and in walking with others: leaving harmful theology isn't like switching light switches. It's more like coming up from the deep sea—if you don't do it carefully, the process itself can kill you.
The Deep Sea Analogy
When scuba divers go deep underwater, their bodies adjust to the intense pressure. The deeper they go, the more their body chemistry changes to accommodate the environment. If they try to surface too quickly, they develop what's called "the bends"—a potentially fatal condition where nitrogen bubbles form in their blood and tissues.
The solution? Decompression chambers. Controlled environments where divers can gradually adjust to normal atmospheric pressure without dying in the process.
This is exactly what people need when leaving deeply embedded theological systems that have shaped their entire worldview.
Why Rapid Extraction Can Be Deadly
When someone has been raised in traditional complementarian theology—believing that male headship is God's design and that questioning it means rebelling against God Himself—their entire identity is often built around these beliefs.
Consider what's at stake for them:
Their relationship with God. They've been taught that accepting these gender roles is part of being faithful to Scripture. Leaving feels like leaving God Himself.
Their community. Churches, friends, and extended family may all share these beliefs. Changing their position means risking isolation and rejection.
Their sense of purpose. Women who've built their identity around being "biblical wives" and men who've defined themselves as "spiritual leaders" face an identity crisis when these roles are questioned.
Their understanding of Scripture. If they've been wrong about this, what else might they be wrong about? The foundation of their faith feels shaky.
Their marriages and families. Changing these fundamental beliefs often creates tension in the most important relationships of their lives.
When you try to rush someone out of this system too quickly, you're asking them to abandon everything that has given their life meaning and structure. No wonder many resist or, if they do leave, end up spiritually shipwrecked.
The Stages of Theological Decompression
In my experience walking with people through this journey, I've observed several stages that can't be rushed:
Stage 1: Initial Discomfort Something doesn't feel right about the traditional teachings, but they can't put their finger on what. They may start asking questions but still assume the problem is with their understanding, not the system itself.
Stage 2: Cognitive Dissonance
They begin to see contradictions between what they've been taught and what they observe in Scripture or in healthy relationships. This creates internal tension that can be quite uncomfortable.
Stage 3: Cautious Investigation They begin to study and research, usually in secret at first. They're looking for ways to reconcile their growing doubts with their existing beliefs.
Stage 4: The Crisis Point The evidence becomes overwhelming that their previous understanding was flawed. This often triggers grief, anger, and a sense of betrayal. This is the most dangerous stage—where people either break through to freedom or break down entirely.
Stage 5: Gradual Reconstruction They begin to build a new understanding of Scripture and relationships based on love and mutuality rather than hierarchy and control. This process takes time and requires patience with themselves.
Stage 6: Integration and Healing The new understanding becomes natural and integrated into their daily life. They can now help others who are earlier in the journey.
Why I Don't Encourage People to Leave
This might sound counterintuitive coming from someone who writes books challenging traditional gender roles, but I rarely encourage people to leave their theological systems before they're ready.
Instead, I try to provide resources and safe spaces for them to process their questions at their own pace. I share my story and let them know they're not alone in their doubts. I answer their questions honestly but don't pressure them to reach any particular conclusions.
Why? Because I've seen what happens when people are pressured to change before their hearts are ready:
Some make intellectual agreement but haven't processed the emotional and spiritual implications, leading to later crashes
Others become angry and bitter, trading legalism for rebellion but not finding true freedom
Many get caught between two worlds, fully accepted in neither
Some abandon faith altogether rather than doing the hard work of reconstruction
Creating Safe Decompression Chambers
For those who are ready to begin this journey, what they need most are safe spaces to process their questions and discoveries. These "decompression chambers" might look like:
Trusted friendships with people who've walked this path and can offer perspective without pressure.
Good books and resources that address their questions thoughtfully and biblically (like BLIND SPOT!).
Counselors or spiritual directors who understand the unique challenges of leaving controlling religious systems.
Communities that practice mutual submission and can show them what healthy relationships actually look like.
Time and space to grieve what they're losing while celebrating what they're gaining.
The Patience of Love
Perhaps the most important thing we can offer people in this process is patience. The same patience that God shows us as He works to transform our hearts.
Remember, God told me "the hearts of men are now ready"—but He didn't say they were instantly ready. He was speaking of a process, a season, a gradual preparation that had been taking place over time.
When we push people faster than their hearts can handle, we're operating in the flesh rather than the Spirit. We're trusting in force rather than love. We're acting more like the hierarchical systems we're trying to help them leave.
What About Those Who Won't Change?
"But what about people who refuse to see the truth even when it's clearly presented?" you might ask.
Here's what I've learned: my job isn't to convert anyone. My job is to live out the truth in love, to share my story authentically, and to trust God with the results.
Some people aren't ready now and may never be ready in this lifetime. That doesn't mean I stop loving them or cut them out of my life (unless they're being abusive). It means I accept where they are while continuing to model something better.
I think of the women in my extended family who still hold traditional views. I don't argue with them about theology. I just love them well and let them see that my marriage with Gregory is thriving, that my relationship with God is stronger than ever, and that equality hasn't made me less feminine or less godly.
Sometimes the most powerful argument for truth is simply a life well-lived.
The Beautiful Result
When people are allowed to process this journey at their own pace, with adequate support and without pressure, something beautiful happens. They don't just change their theology—they discover the heart of God in new ways.
They experience freedom instead of bondage. They find intimacy instead of hierarchy. They discover partnership instead of power struggles. They taste the Kingdom instead of just religion.
And then they become safe spaces for others who are beginning their own decompression journey.
The hearts of men—and women—are ready. But ready is a process, not an event. And love is patient enough to allow that process to unfold in God's perfect timing.
Are you currently in your own decompression process, or walking with someone who is? What has helped you navigate the challenges of changing deeply held beliefs?
Blessings,
Susan 😊