Walking Out Truth in a Resistant Marriage

I wish I could tell you that once you understand God's design for mutual submission, everything falls into place. That your spouse will immediately see the truth, embrace it, and you'll waltz off into the sunset together.

But life doesn't work that way.

The reality is that many of you reading this are living in relationships where your partner isn't on the same page. Maybe they're hostile to the idea of mutual submission. Maybe they're deeply committed to traditional gender roles. Maybe they're simply unwilling to change.

So what do you do when you see the truth, but your spouse doesn't?

There Are No Formulas

Let me start by saying what I cannot do: I cannot give you a formula. I cannot offer you three easy steps that will solve your situation.

Religion loves to do that. Religion says, "You don't have to ask God—I have the answer for you." But I will never do that to anyone.

Every situation is unique. Every marriage has its own complexities, its own history, its own dynamics. What the Lord might call one person to do could be completely different from what He calls another to do.

I can share principles. I can offer wisdom. But only the Lord can tell you specifically what your next step should be.

The Principle of Accommodation Without Capitulation

In my book BLIND SPOT, I spend significant time on this concept: accommodation without capitulation. It comes from Paul's letter to Philemon about Onesimus, the runaway slave.

Paul doesn't tell Onesimus to stage a rebellion. He doesn't tell Philemon that slavery is acceptable. Instead, he shows how believers can operate within broken systems while releasing Kingdom transformation into them.

The same principle applies when you're in a marriage with unequal power dynamics.

If the Lord has called you to walk a different way—to embrace mutual submission, to step into Kingdom equality—but your spouse isn't there yet, you have to ask the Lord: Is this the time for me to walk this out? Do I give them more time to process? Or is this the moment to move forward, even if they're not ready?

When You Can't Leave

I need to address those of you who are in situations where you don't have the freedom to leave.

I was there once. I lived in an abusive marriage with young children. I wasn't working outside the home. I didn't have financial independence. I didn't have the ability to make a decision to leave, even though the marriage was deeply harmful.

Some of you are in that same position right now. Maybe it's finances. Maybe it's culture. Maybe it's immigration status or health issues or a hundred other factors that make leaving feel impossible.

If that's you, I want you to know: I see you. I understand. And this message is for you too.

The principle of accommodation without capitulation means you can lovingly yield—even to someone who is treating you poorly—without agreeing that their treatment is right. You can submit in the sense of choosing not to fight back, choosing to respond with grace, while still maintaining in your heart that this is not God's design.

As Paul wrote to slaves: "If you can gain your freedom, do so" (1 Corinthians 7:21, NIV). Freedom is important. Freedom is God's heart.

But if it's not the moment for freedom—if you don't have the ability or if it's not the Lord's timing—know that God has you in the middle of it. He sees you. He will rescue you. He will set you free.

Whether that freedom comes in this life or the next, He is with you.

Voluntary Submission vs. Forced Submission

Here's a critical distinction: Voluntary submission within a broken system is very different from agreeing that the system is right.

When you choose to submit—when you choose to respond with grace and love even in difficult circumstances—you're operating in freedom. You're making a choice. And that choice, made in freedom and rooted in faith, releases Kingdom power into the situation.

But when someone forces you to submit, when they use power or intimidation or religious guilt to make you comply, that's not Kingdom living. That's the curse playing out.

You can never manipulate someone into doing God's will. You can never force someone into Kingdom living. The moment you try—whether through emotional pressure, financial control, or spiritual manipulation—you've violated the nature of freedom, which means you've violated the nature of love.

My Own Journey

After my first marriage ended, it took me a long time to process what had happened. I walked in disappointment for years, feeling like my faith wasn't enough. Like if I had just submitted better, prayed harder, served more faithfully, maybe the marriage would have survived.

But the Lord showed me something profound: He gave the other person time. He gave them freedom. He gave them enough space to see the truth, to choose differently, to embrace His design for relationships.

And when they still chose not to—when they still chose dominance over partnership, control over mutual submission—I was set free.

I don't say that lightly. Divorce is painful. It represents broken dreams and shattered expectations. But sometimes freedom from a destructive relationship is an act of God's mercy.

And I believe that will happen for many of you as well. If you're in a situation where you don't have the power to change things, trust that God sees. Trust that He's working. Trust that He will make a way.

For Those Who Can Walk

Now, if you do have the freedom to make changes—if the Lord is calling you to walk out a different way and you have the ability to do so—then I want to say this: Obeying the voice of the Lord is more important than trying to manipulate your spouse into agreeing with you.

Saying "You have to do this my way because we're married and you promised 'for better or worse'" is itself a form of control. It's using the covenant of marriage as a weapon to force compliance.

That's not love. That's not freedom. That's not God's Kingdom.

If God is calling you to take a step—to set a boundary, to make a change, to walk in freedom—then you may need to walk that road alone for a season. Your willingness to step out in obedience might be the very thing that causes your spouse to pause and seek the Lord themselves.

Or it might not. They have free will, just as you do.

But you cannot violate your calling from God in order to keep your spouse comfortable. You cannot sacrifice obedience on the altar of false peace.

Love Them Well, Give Them Freedom

Whatever your situation, this remains true: Love your spouse the best you can, and give them as much freedom as the Lord gives you to give.

God never makes us do His will. He invites us. He woos us. He gives us genuine choice—even the choice to reject Him, to choose the wrong tree, to walk away.

If God gives us that much freedom, how much more should we give it to our spouses?

Whether through manipulation or force or religious guilt, trying to make someone do what you believe is right is ultimately operating in the wrong kingdom. "I'm right, you're wrong, do it my way" is the voice of control, not love.

Praying for Wisdom

If you're reading this and your heart is breaking because your spouse won't embrace mutual submission, I pray for you right now.

I pray for grace—grace to walk this road with wisdom and discernment. I pray for wisdom to know what to do, step by step, day by day. I pray that the Lord will give you clarity about when to speak and when to be silent, when to push and when to yield, when to stay and when to go.

There are no formulas. There are no pat answers.

But there is a God who sees you, who loves you, and who promises to guide you into all truth.

Trust Him. Seek Him. Listen for His voice.

And know that whatever He calls you to do, He will give you the strength to walk it out.

A Word to Those in Abusive Situations

If you're in a relationship where you're being abused—physically, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually—please hear me: God does not require you to stay in harm's way.

Accommodation without capitulation does not mean accepting abuse. It does not mean staying silent while someone violates your dignity, your safety, or your children's wellbeing.

If you're in danger, get help. Reach out to a counselor, a pastor, a domestic violence hotline, a trusted friend. Make a safety plan. Protect yourself and your children.

God's heart is not for you to be a martyr in an abusive marriage. His heart is for you to be safe, whole, and free.

The Long View

Here's what I want you to hold onto: Your faithfulness in a difficult situation matters. Your choice to walk in integrity, to respond with grace, to keep seeking the Lord even when your spouse isn't—it matters.

It matters to God. It matters to your children who are watching. It matters to the atmosphere of your home, where you're releasing Kingdom reality even in the midst of brokenness.

And sometimes—not always, but sometimes—it matters to your spouse. Sometimes the seeds you plant through your faithful walk will grow into something beautiful, even if it takes years.

But even if they never do, you can know you walked in obedience. You can know you didn't compromise your integrity or violate your conscience. You can know you loved well, even when love wasn't returned in the way you hoped.

That's not failure. That's faithfulness.

The Hope

I won't pretend this is easy. I won't tell you it doesn't hurt.

But I will tell you this: God's design is still beautiful, even when your current reality is painful. The vision of mutual submission, of partnership, of two people dancing in perfect sync—it's still true, still good, still worth longing for.

Maybe you'll experience it in this marriage as your spouse grows and changes. Maybe you'll experience it in a future season if this relationship ends. Maybe you'll experience it in your friendships, your ministry partnerships, your work relationships as you practice these principles in every sphere of life.

But either way, hold onto the truth. Don't let a difficult present steal the beauty of God's design.

And know that you're not walking this road alone.

Blessings,
Susan 😊

Are you navigating a difficult relationship? What has helped you walk in integrity when your partner isn't on the same page? Share your story—you might encourage someone else who needs to hear it.‍ ‍